“Oh, you’re all set now that you’ve had a girl.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry any more now that you have another child, and a girl at that!”

“Don’t you feel like your family is complete now?”

All of these sentences have been directed at me, by relatives and good friends alike, and all with the best of intentions, I’m sure.

At the time, I simply nodded my head in agreement, but upon further reflection, I’m sort of angry.

Oh yes, my former meaningless life is now filled with purpose now that I’ve had a girl and I can die happy.  And yes, our family wasn’t right without another person in it.

Not.

Were they meaning to imply that by having one child, my family was somehow not good enough? That it didn’t fit into whatever perfect 2.5 child per family model they were thinking of?  As if there even was such a thing?

Even though I love my daughter with all of my heart, and she is certainly a welcome addition to our family, I’d like to focus on the word addition. Our family was just fine as the three of us, thank you very much. The Munchkinette will bring much additional love and laughter, but her presence didn’t suddenly make us a “real” family.

And the comment about how I should be completely satisfied now that I’ve had a girl also rubs me the wrong way. If my second child had been a boy, would people have clucked in sympathy for me that I didn’t have a girl? I do happen to know people who have tried multiple times to have a girl, with varying degrees of success. But for the ones that have three boys, is their family less of a family because there is only one X chromosome in the house? 

So maybe I’m being hormonal, or a little oversensitive.  But I sometimes wish people would just, you know, think before they speak.

I’m talking about cereal of course. You know, that unprocessed and then re-processed stuff we put in a bowl with milk. I have been eating cereal for breakfast for years now, but I have to say the Munchkin is so far a holdout.

I’ve been known to go on certain cereal binges, eating only one kind for an extended period of time, and then never wanting to see its face again. The next time that happens, I’ll use this handy-dandy flow chart to figure out my next choice.

Although I have to say I have eaten Grape Nuts before, and I’m not particularly fond of gravel!

via Eating the Road

Yes, the title is a question because I don’t know what constitutes a true gentleman any more.

You see, I have explained and discussed the differences between girls and boys with the Munchkin, but never in a “girls are delicate flowers” type of way.  He obviously knows that there are physical differences and sometimes preferences toward dolls and such, but that’s where it pretty much ends. I’ve never told him to give girls any type of special treatment just because they are girls.  I’m a feminist like that.

So this past weekend at a family gathering, I heard my father say to my son, “You need to let Jenna pick which seat she wants to sit on, because, you know, she’s a girl.”

And my father meant that in the most gallant way possible, that old-school thought process that opens doors for ladies, pushes in their chairs, and things of that nature.

Well, I have to say my son resisted the notion that Jenna should get to pick something over him just because she is a girl, and I have to say that I sort of agree with him.

Now, if my father had simply said, “Jenna gets to pick first because she is your guest” which she was, that is an entirely different story.   But he didn’t, and the whole situation got me to thinking about how to deal with the whole chivalry thing.

So now I am torn. 

I really do want my son to be the kind of person that opens doors for ladies and pushes in his girlfriend’s chair when they go to a nice restaurant.

But how to do that without sending the message that girls are deserving of special treatment, which many feminists say ain’t so?

Talk about mixed messages.

Any thoughts?

Or am I just overthinking this whole thing?

Last week, I wanted to know how you felt about the results of a new study showing why pregnant women don’t tip over.  For those who didn’t click over, it’s because women have some extra vetebrae that stablize them.  I do have to say though, that I have seen men with bigger bellies than mine, and they don’t seem to be in much danger of tipping over.

Forty-one percent of you just gave a sigh of “good grief” and thirty-four percent said it was a waste of money.  I think it’s interesting to know, but I hope that the study didn’t cost too much.

Today’s question deals with one Oscar-winning actress, Hilary Swank.  She admitted in an interview that her boyfriend’s six year old son sees her in the nude, and she doesn’t seem to have a problem with it.

Probably the biggest disagreement over parenting that my husband and I have had is about spanking.

Both my husband and I were given “corporal punishment” as kids, although I have to say that my dad only halfheartedly hauled me on his lap and delivered a few sharp hits.  My husband’s father, however, I think perhaps used his belt a bit too liberally.   My husband and all three of his brothers were subjected to being hit with a belt whenever one of them wouldn’t admit wrongdoing, and it happened quite a bit.

Having a son, my husband has insisted since he was born that being hit was one of the best ways to make a boy get the picture, and quick.  I have always resisted this line of thinking, and we’ve gotten into more than one argument about whether our son should be spanked.  I, in my infinite wisdom and possibly threatening to have him sleep on the couch, have prevailed. 

And it seems it’s a good thing I did, because this article from CNN showcases a recent study about how children who were spanked as toddlers tended to be more aggressive than their peers, as well as some cognitive slowness as compared to their peers at age 3.

The article is also interesting how it points out the tendency for physical punishment in lower-income/less educated families, to which my husband, the first (and so far only) person in his family to obtain a college degree, belongs.  Whereas both of my parents were educated, and eventually phased out physical punishment altogether, even though it was in vogue as a parenting technique at the time.

But really, I don’t care about the studies, they aren’t really what makes me against spanking.  I just believe that hitting someone much younger and much more vulnerable than you is wrong.  That being a parent is to definitely provide discipline, but delivering it in such a violent way inevitably violates the trust a child has in their parents.

What do you think?

The latest news in promoting a “green” lifestyle says that to truly make the biggest impact, don’t have any kids.

Well, they say, have fewer kids, but what exactly is the definition of “fewer?” For people like the Duggars, fewer would qualify as twelve. For people such as myself, fewer equals only one. And for others who only want one, that would mean zero.

Is this the latest ploy to make people feel guilty for having kids? There seems to be a large anti-kid contingent around lately, ranging from those who think kids have no place in a restaurant that doesn’t have a drink dispensing machine, to this article purporting we could save the planet if we all just went away.

I understand the point they are making, that obviously less people on the planet correlates to less greenhouse emissions and use of resources, simply because there wouldn’t be as many beings to emit the gases and use the resources in the first place. Completely logical, Mr. Spock.

However, in most First World nations, the birth rate is already declining.  It is the developing countries who still have the higher birth rates, and I think that the ultimate way to decrease population growth is actually to make those countries prosper more. 

I do consider myself a fairly liberal person, but the idea of limiting children, when there are so many other things that could be done first, sort of boggles my mind.

I have a six year old son, and in a few months, will be having another baby. Even though he is totally excited about having a new sister (when we made the announcement to him he said, “Yay, I will finally have a partner!”) I think it’s a good idea to try and prepare him for the realities of a newborn and to having another person in the family. These books are some of the most helpful ones out there. I’ve excerpted some of the reviews from Amazon.

The New Baby by Mercer Mayer (ages 4-8) In this well-loved Little Critter picture book, our funny young hero has to get used to a new baby sister. What a problem. The baby doesn’t pay attention when Little Critter reads to her. She cries when he makes silly faces. And she can’t understand the jokes he tells. It’s seems like an impossible task, but Little Critter finally figures out what you CAN do with a new baby — and becomes a very good brother.

We Have a Baby
by Cathryn Falwell (Ages 2-6) Each new facet of taking care of a baby is brought out in this charming picture book. Not only are new infants exciting, they’re also a big responsibility as Falwell gently reinforces. With an economy of text and simple illustrations, she describes bringing a baby home, involving a sibling in its care, and a happy family going through its routine. Soft pastel hues of pinks and salmons, purples and blues highlight the action. Although children may not notice or care, Falwell’s illustrations are ethnically ambiguous, and it is impossible to determine the gender of the older child.

I’m a Big Brother and I’m a Big Sister
by Joanna Cole (ages 2-6) The texts in these two books are identical, with the exception of the gender terms. Cole has successfully captured the youngsters’ voices, making it easy for readers to identify with them, whether the books are being read aloud or alone. Familiar situations, as well as positive reinforcement of individuality and importance as part of the family, are good reasons to put this book into the hands of children who will soon be older siblings.

Hello Baby! by Lizzy Rockwell (ages 2-6) From a chart on how a baby grows in utero to the end of her first day home, this book covers the entire birthing process as described by an older brother. The opening pages present information about the fetus, while the middle section shows the family getting ready and the boy and his grandmother waiting anxiously for the big moment. Rather than delve into the boys emotional responses to having a new sibling, the book objectively presents intimate images and experiences: the baby inside the womb (shown in mothers tummy and in a full-page close-up), the mother nursing her, the boy and his dad carefully sponging around the umbilical cord scab. There is comfort in the honesty and straightforward familiarity of the text, which is supported by soft colored-pencil drawings.

Waiting for Baby by Harriet Ziefert (ages 4-8) Max does everything he can think of to encourage his new sibling to be born. He talks to his mommy’s tummy, sings to it, plays his drum for it, but nothing seems to work. Max is convinced that this baby will never arrive … until the day finally comes when Daddy takes Mommy to the hospital. Harriet Ziefert has written a delightful story about the anticipation of a new arrival. Expectant parents will want to read it with their children, and soon-to-be older siblings are sure to identify with Max. Best of all, there’s a gift in the back of the book for the big brother or sister to give to the new baby: a nursery door hanger with two important messages: “Shhhh! Baby sleeping” and “Come in! Baby awake.”

What Baby Needs by William Sears (ages 5-8) The text, addressed to an older sibling, describes both the changes that the family prepares for and the ways that the baby, growing inside the mother’s uterus, might make her feel: hungry, thirsty, and tired. Older brothers and sisters are encouraged to see themselves as competent to contribute at this time. What Baby Needs is a warm look at how life in the family changes to accommodate the needs of a newborn, and the care an infant requires. Both texts are prefaced by notes for adults on what kind of information and experiences might be helpful or appropriate to share with a child.
What to Expect When the New Baby Comes Home by Heidi Murkoff (ages 3-8) Instead of being set up as a story in which a child experiences the various realities of having a new sibling, this book poses questions that are then answered in paragraph form. Queries range from “Why do new babies cry so much?” to “Can I play with the new baby?” The answers tell why babies are the way they are, how they create change in a household, and how one can interact successfully with them. The family friend, Angus the Answer Dog, acts as tour guide, providing plentiful commentary. A paw print highlights his simple suggestions for a new baby, such as practicing holding a doll or stuffed animal before holding the infant.

I’m Going to be a Big Sister and I’m Going to be a Big Brother by Brenda Bercun (ages 2-6) These books are essentially identical except for a few minor stereotypical differences such as showing the girl’s toys to include makeup whereas the boy has tools. Each one is a didactic exploration of how a household gets ready for a new baby and what it means to be the older sibling. Readers are cautioned about dangerous toys versus safe toys and are advised to always wash their hands before touching the baby’s hands and toys. The books address the logistics of who will care for the child while Mommy’s in the hospital, which in these cases is Grandma. Finally, several pages are devoted to the older sibling’s role: Being a big brother [sister] means being a teacher and an example to your sister or brother.