Oh yes she did.

I don’t know about the swimming pool, but I’m pretty sure this happened in the shallow end of the gene pool. The only real question is, how do people like that afford a holiday to Egypt when I have to make do with watching The Mummy over and over? Not that I do that. Never.

Also, why is that Egyptian hotel not capitalizing on this and advertising in fertility clinics all over the world?

Yeah, right.

Because I was tired and bored last night, I somehow found myself watching “Cake Boss” on TLC, which is a misnomer, because I certainly don’t view it as a channel from which you learn anything, unless you have a burning desire to learn about large families, subsequent divorces, and the lives people who work on motorcycles. Interesting as those may indeed be, I’m not sure anyone truly learns anything from them.

Anyhoo, whilst watching said show about a Hoboken, NJ (a world I am tantalizingly unfamiliar with, and which I view as a place as strange and interesting as India) cake baker and his staff, I saw an advertisement for this show, called, rather uninspiringly, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” To which I say, “Excrement from a male cow!”

Having now been pregnant twice, I don’t see how this is possible. There is no way your periods are as heavy as normal, if even you do experience bleeding. Bleeding during pregnancy can happen, but it is not the norm. And what about the kicking? Could anyone possibly delude themselves that a hard kick to the ribs is simply the result of exuberant intestinal activity from the burrito one ingested at dinnertime? What about when the baby “drops?” As my best friend who is also currently pregnant stated, “I feel like my vagina is going to fall out every time I stand up.” How could that ever be considered normal?

Which leads me to the crux of the matter. I think the vast majority of women who “don’t know” they are pregnant are indeed deluding themselves. They are having a serious disconnect with their bodies, and for whatever reason, are covincing themselves that all the very obvious signs are something else entirely. The mind is a powerful thing, and if the brain can have the ability to induce illnesses, then it’s nothing to pretend that isn’t a 5 pound baby inside you.

Because seriously, having a baby is scary. Oh yes, it’s wonderful and miraculous, but for many first time moms, it is as scary as hell. Myself included. Having to contemplate an unexpected pregnancy and the subsequent effect on the rest of your entire life is scary. And it’s much easier to hide your head in the sand than to deal with it. There may be a few legitimate exceptions to this, but there certainly aren’t as many as portrayed on this show. Well, I’m still skeptical about the legitmate exceptions, actually.

So, I won’t watch the show, because the mixture of disbelief mixed in with a small amount of sympathy will be too much for me to bear.

I have a six year old son, and in a few months, will be having another baby. Even though he is totally excited about having a new sister (when we made the announcement to him he said, “Yay, I will finally have a partner!”) I think it’s a good idea to try and prepare him for the realities of a newborn and to having another person in the family. These books are some of the most helpful ones out there. I’ve excerpted some of the reviews from Amazon.

The New Baby by Mercer Mayer (ages 4-8) In this well-loved Little Critter picture book, our funny young hero has to get used to a new baby sister. What a problem. The baby doesn’t pay attention when Little Critter reads to her. She cries when he makes silly faces. And she can’t understand the jokes he tells. It’s seems like an impossible task, but Little Critter finally figures out what you CAN do with a new baby — and becomes a very good brother.

We Have a Baby
by Cathryn Falwell (Ages 2-6) Each new facet of taking care of a baby is brought out in this charming picture book. Not only are new infants exciting, they’re also a big responsibility as Falwell gently reinforces. With an economy of text and simple illustrations, she describes bringing a baby home, involving a sibling in its care, and a happy family going through its routine. Soft pastel hues of pinks and salmons, purples and blues highlight the action. Although children may not notice or care, Falwell’s illustrations are ethnically ambiguous, and it is impossible to determine the gender of the older child.

I’m a Big Brother and I’m a Big Sister
by Joanna Cole (ages 2-6) The texts in these two books are identical, with the exception of the gender terms. Cole has successfully captured the youngsters’ voices, making it easy for readers to identify with them, whether the books are being read aloud or alone. Familiar situations, as well as positive reinforcement of individuality and importance as part of the family, are good reasons to put this book into the hands of children who will soon be older siblings.

Hello Baby! by Lizzy Rockwell (ages 2-6) From a chart on how a baby grows in utero to the end of her first day home, this book covers the entire birthing process as described by an older brother. The opening pages present information about the fetus, while the middle section shows the family getting ready and the boy and his grandmother waiting anxiously for the big moment. Rather than delve into the boys emotional responses to having a new sibling, the book objectively presents intimate images and experiences: the baby inside the womb (shown in mothers tummy and in a full-page close-up), the mother nursing her, the boy and his dad carefully sponging around the umbilical cord scab. There is comfort in the honesty and straightforward familiarity of the text, which is supported by soft colored-pencil drawings.

Waiting for Baby by Harriet Ziefert (ages 4-8) Max does everything he can think of to encourage his new sibling to be born. He talks to his mommy’s tummy, sings to it, plays his drum for it, but nothing seems to work. Max is convinced that this baby will never arrive … until the day finally comes when Daddy takes Mommy to the hospital. Harriet Ziefert has written a delightful story about the anticipation of a new arrival. Expectant parents will want to read it with their children, and soon-to-be older siblings are sure to identify with Max. Best of all, there’s a gift in the back of the book for the big brother or sister to give to the new baby: a nursery door hanger with two important messages: “Shhhh! Baby sleeping” and “Come in! Baby awake.”

What Baby Needs by William Sears (ages 5-8) The text, addressed to an older sibling, describes both the changes that the family prepares for and the ways that the baby, growing inside the mother’s uterus, might make her feel: hungry, thirsty, and tired. Older brothers and sisters are encouraged to see themselves as competent to contribute at this time. What Baby Needs is a warm look at how life in the family changes to accommodate the needs of a newborn, and the care an infant requires. Both texts are prefaced by notes for adults on what kind of information and experiences might be helpful or appropriate to share with a child.
What to Expect When the New Baby Comes Home by Heidi Murkoff (ages 3-8) Instead of being set up as a story in which a child experiences the various realities of having a new sibling, this book poses questions that are then answered in paragraph form. Queries range from “Why do new babies cry so much?” to “Can I play with the new baby?” The answers tell why babies are the way they are, how they create change in a household, and how one can interact successfully with them. The family friend, Angus the Answer Dog, acts as tour guide, providing plentiful commentary. A paw print highlights his simple suggestions for a new baby, such as practicing holding a doll or stuffed animal before holding the infant.

I’m Going to be a Big Sister and I’m Going to be a Big Brother by Brenda Bercun (ages 2-6) These books are essentially identical except for a few minor stereotypical differences such as showing the girl’s toys to include makeup whereas the boy has tools. Each one is a didactic exploration of how a household gets ready for a new baby and what it means to be the older sibling. Readers are cautioned about dangerous toys versus safe toys and are advised to always wash their hands before touching the baby’s hands and toys. The books address the logistics of who will care for the child while Mommy’s in the hospital, which in these cases is Grandma. Finally, several pages are devoted to the older sibling’s role: Being a big brother [sister] means being a teacher and an example to your sister or brother.

All right, so I’m starting to enter the uncomfortable phase of pregnancy. And maybe I’m getting a bit crabby.

My husband had put his hand on my belly, hoping to feel the baby move. “What an incredible thing it must be,” he said dreamily, “to carry a life inside of you. I wish I could know how that feels.”

“Oh yeah” I snapped, “it’s fantastic. Here are some examples.”

“Would you like to have boobs so sore that you can barely wear clothes?”

“Uhhhh, no.”

“How about nausea and morning sickness that hits any time of day?”

“N-no.”

“Does being constipated work for you?”

“Er….”

“How about a sore back and sore hips in the morning because you have no choice other than to sleep on your side? No matter how much you want to go on your stomach, you can’t.”

“Uhhh…”

How about people shoving their hands up your vagina whenever you go to the doctor?”

“I don’t really have one, but not that great, I suppose.”

“Being kept awake at night because some other person is deciding to do the hokey pokey in your uterus?”

“Ahhh…”

“Oh and best of all, how do you think it feels to have the major organs of your lower body be completely squished and be forced to go wherever there might happen to be a little room?”

“……”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

OK, I’m definitely getting crabby.

And the world gives a collective yawn.

You would have thought that there would have been a bigger hoopla, but I think the first time the headline of “pregnant man” came out, people were caught off guard.  Because of the way the story was framed, it sounded like some sort of major scientific breakthrough had been made, that an actual biologically born male was going to give birth.

Turns out it was a former woman who decided to become transgender, but yet kept all of his lady reproductive equipment.  Not quite the same thing, methinks.   

In fact, it got kind of annoying because it seemed the media wanted to make a big deal out of it, when to me it wasn’t really a big deal at all.  Although I have to say it was confusing, because most who opt for transgender surgery and legal reassignment are usually very insistent upon being the sex they wish to be.  Which I totally understand. But to cross back over that line when you have done everything possible to not live that particular life any more seems very contradictory to me, and I am someone who is comfortable with whole transgender concept.

I respect his right to have a baby if he wishes, but I just wonder if perhaps there were some ulterior financial/attention issues going on there.  There are thousands of adoptable children out there, after all.

Cynic, thy name is Glinda.

As you may have been able to tell from my poll question yesterday, I’m having trouble with names.

Again.

We found out at about 18 weeks that the Munchkin was a boy. I got a nice long list of about ten names together and sat down with my husband. Wherein he promptly vetoed every single one and then we had a fight because he wanted to name our son after him. And yes, I suppose I could have phrased my objection to that a bit more subtly, instead of “I really don’t like your name, why would I want to give it to my son?” What can I say, pregnant women aren’t especially known for their tact.

More and more research was done, more and more names rejected. I think we were down to the last few weeks before we were able to compromise on a name, and it was a compromise on both sides. As many stated in the comments for the poll, we were looking for a name that wasn’t really popular, but one that was not completely uncommon. A harder balance than it seems.

We have been told that we are having a girl, and then the panic set it. My god, there are so many girl names! We had a hard enough time with a boy name, imagine what we’re going to go through with girl ones!

There are about a bazillion or so relatives and friends who have girls, and to me that means you have to avoid those names. And mind you, I am still harboring bitterness that my sister in law knowingly stole my favorite girl name in the world. Just because she had a girl first doesn’t make it right!

But the husband and I are already beginning the vicious cycle of me coming up with names and him rejecting them again. Mind you, he never comes up with any of his own, he just doesn’t like any of mine.

Because both our families are so thrilled that we are having a girl, we are considering starting a bidding war for naming rights. Ten grand for a middle name, thirty for a first name. That way we can have none of the stress of naming and get some money out of it too.

And if our daughter complains about being named Griselda, I’ll just hand her a wad of cash for some shopping therapy.

Now listen, I totally get that maternity fashion ain’t what it used to be. No longer bound by mumuus, maternity fashion has definitely hit new heights. And, if these shirts are any example, new lows.

Are you talking about your pregnancy or your morning sickness? Either way, not something I’d want to advertise to the world.

Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean it automatically gets to go on a shirt.

Yes, we all know that you most likely had sex. The general public doesn’t really care what position you were in, though.

And boy does she look bitter about it.

Puts the “tack” in “tacky.”