My Kid is Smart. Why Does that Offend You?
By Glinda
My son is smart. Really smart.
There, I said it. Sue me.
And it isn’t just my opinion. As he gets older and begins taking state tests and computerized reading comprehension tests and the like, it is quite obvious that it isn’t all in my head. And trust me, most of his teachers have initially heard my characterizations of him at the beginning of the school year with thinly veiled skepticism. Don’t get me wrong, he is no prodigy who is going to graduate from college at age 12. But he is smarter than your average bear. He’s finally at the grade level where he can be referred to the Gifted and Talented program, and I can’t wait for him to start.
Because if there is one thing that other parents cannot stand, is when someone else’s child is smarter than theirs. In fact, they can take it quite personally. Witness all the ill-intentioned bumper stickers that stated, “My kid can kick your honor student’s ass” in response to the honor roll stickers that used to be rather ubiquitous, at least in my neck of the woods.
Why would anyone dream of that being appropriate?
If someone has a child who is extremely talented in violin, or baseball, or dance, they have absolutely no qualms about telling any and everyone. I am often regaled as to how little Jillian is dancing a solo at her competition, or how young Aiden can hit a home run practically every game. And everyone smiles and congratulates and says how wonderful that must be.
But when it comes to academics, if you have a very intelligent child, and you mention in passing that he reads at an 8th grade level in 2nd grade, you are actually seen as putting other kids down. Somehow, you are insulting the intelligence of their children if yours happens to outshine them in the academics department. Never mind that my son doesn’t really care about sports, can’t play an instrument to save his life at this point, nor can he do anything other than some sort of psuedo break-dancing moves that he made up in his head. There are children in his class who can do these things much better than he can, and more, but because he can take a standardized test and ace it, I have to whisper his accomplishments only to my family and a few really good friends.
Well, I’m tired of trying to dance around the insecurities of everyone else. I’m not going to go out of my way to brag, but I’m no longer going to play down my son and his impressive accomplishments in the classroom as I have in the past.
When I hear about the skills and talents of other children, I am genuinely happy for them. Is it wrong for me to expect the same?
December 15th, 2010 at 8:16 am
There’s this weird conflation in our society of being “smart” with being “good,” as if high intelligence automatically makes one a better person. It’s not true, of course, and I think we would all be better off if we could think of intelligence as a quality like height–people just happen to be randomly (perhaps I should say “normally”) distributed along a spectrum, and wonderful, well-adjusted, kind, giving people fall all along the spectrum. Nasty, selfish, mean-spirited people fall along the same spectrum, and one’s IQ doesn’t alter one’s position on the “good person” axis. Unfortunately, I think this weird conflation results in many people hearing “my kid is smart” as equaling “my kid is a better person than yours.” Hence the odd reactions.
Anyway, brag here all you want. Having an exceptionally intelligent child can cause all kinds of problems (I remember the travails of the Munchkin in kindergarten! He was probably smarter than his teacher!) but complaining about it sounds like complaining about having too much money, or being too thin, etc.
December 20th, 2010 at 3:40 am
You are right in that intelligence does not imbue you with some sort of magical qualities.
And yes, gifted children have educational issues that are all their own, but nonetheless are just as real as anyone else’s.
And I’m not complaining about him being smart, just about other people’s reactions to it! 😉
December 15th, 2010 at 10:14 am
I actually think it’s obnoxious to brag about any of your kids special talents, be they musical, athetic, academic or whatever. But that’s just my Puritan East Coast upbringing. I haven’t really noticed that people feel okay bragging about other their kids’ other talents any more than their intelligence. Which is not to say that people don’t brag, just that the people that are bragging about their kids are generally the ones that brag about everything, from the size of their house to their little one’s amazing ability to pick up toys. Very annoying.
But I don’t think it’s bragging here, Glinda! The Munchkin has been smart since day one, I remember! Good for him!
December 20th, 2010 at 3:42 am
Oh Amy, be glad you don’t live in my area. It’s a bit crazy, really, how people talk about their kids.
And I don’t really talk about his academics to anyone other than my family, but the next time someone tells me about their kid, I might just share a story about mine.
December 15th, 2010 at 10:24 am
It’s not bragging if it’s true. 🙂
December 21st, 2010 at 3:42 am
Word, my friend. Word.
December 15th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I think the reason get bent out of shape with certain kids being smarter than others is because I think there is more of a tendency to believe that it’s easy to be better at reading or math if you just *try* harder. Therefore, if you aren’t good at reading or math, you aren’t working hard enough, or your parents aren’t spending enough time helping you, or whatever. It’s not something that’s seen so much as a talent, like sports or music.
Also, it’s an inherently more competitive venue because all kids have to go to school. If someone brags about their star ballet dancer child, you may think, “Good for them! My kid doesn’t dance, and wouldn’t sit through a ballet class if it meant chocolate for dinner every night!” But all kids have to learn to read, and do math, and take standardized tests.
December 20th, 2010 at 3:43 am
You have an excellent point about everyone being “forced” to participate in academia.
December 16th, 2010 at 6:44 pm
I have had similar experiences. As long as the munchkin is happy with himself, it’s all good. My son has started apologizing for knowing things or figuring things out, and qualifying whatever accomplishment with “Sorry, I’m a nerd”. You walk a thin line between praising their academic prowess and keeping them humble.
December 20th, 2010 at 3:44 am
Oh, he should never apologize for being smart!
As for the Munchkin, he is in no way a model student, and he has many issues that need to be worked on, so no danger of him becoming cocky about his abilities!
December 17th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
I grew up gifted but no one told me. I thought everyone one else was really stupid, not that I was smart – I was, in my mind, normal. By my teens, I knew better.
December 20th, 2010 at 3:45 am
I’m sorry that no one recognized that and gave you more challenges or moved you to a different set of classes.
December 22nd, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I never had it confirmed by being in a G&T class (homeschooled), but I’ve always been on the more talented end academically. I’ve downplayed it, not believed it (I knew a lot of other gifted and more socially with-it kids), apologized for it, hidden it, etc. I even hesitate to write this post because the only thing it seems that is worse than saying your kid is smart is saying that you yourself are smart. I do wish the stigma would end, that I could just be who I am without feeling bad about it.