To wit:

1. There will always be the overbearing parental unit who stands on the sidelines and bellows, “KICK THE BALL, JACKSON, KICK THE BALL!” pause “THE OTHER WAY, JACKSON, THE OTHER WAY!” pause “DAMMIT JACKSON!”

2. Your child’s interest in the sport will be inversely proportional to that of the coach’s skill level, i.e. your semi-pro Little Leaguer is stuck with a coach that barely knows the names of all the positions, and your lackadaisical basketball player will be hounded by the coach whose last team won the state championship.

3. Someone will always be unwilling to get to know the rest of the parents on the team.

4. One contingent of moms on the team will push for “healthy snacks” because they don’t want their kids “eating that crap” and the other contingent thinks the healthy snacks moms need to lighten up a bit.  Semi-veiled insults from both sides  may or may not ensue.

5. There will always be one mom who takes the after-game-snack to an entirely different level, including, but not limited to: personalized team logo M&M’s, custom snack bags with names done in calligraphy, full sized Gatorade bottles, and a veritable supermarket aisle’s worth of snacks in the bag.

6. Her polar opposite will also make an appearance, bringing only lukewarm water bottles and a single granola bar.

7. There will be at least one kid whose parents never stay for the games or practices .

8. Never sleep with your child’s coach when you’re married to someone else. It makes those pancake breakfasts so very awkward.

9. Your child will be on the team with the worst color uniforms.

10. You will tell yourself that your child’s performance on the field/court doesn’t matter to you.  But it does.

Nick Jonas has a look that is similar to one of my own outfits circa 1988.

Have you ever been just going along, thinking your life is pretty A-OK when blam! Something or someone or a combination of  somethings and someones happen to throw off your mojo?  Well, today that is me, and what can I say, I’m a bit verklempt.  And damn it, I can’t blame post-partum mood swings because after five months, those should pretty much be gone, right?

So, as a distraction, I went looking at some spring/summer shoes for the young ladies, and found some that lightened my mood a bit.  Ahhh, shoe therapy always works, doesn’t it?

Camper Kids – 80181

Stuart Weitzman Kids – St. Tropez (Youth) (Fuchsia) – Footwear

A distant acquaintance of mine was recently waxing rhapsodic about a baby item she felt she could not do without. She was talking about her baby wipe warmer.

Say what?

I cannot think of a piece of baby gear that is more superfluous, and yes, wasteful, than the electric baby wipe warmer. I think it is a common misconception for new mothers to want “the best” for their babies, and by god, no nasty room temperature wipe is going to touch their precious kids’ bottoms! Not if they have anything to say about it!  And boy, has the Baby Industrial Complex stepped up to deliver anything and everything a mom might want, regardless of whether she actually needs it.

I often wonder how the pioneers crossing the continent would have felt about this particular motherly concern. Oh yeah, right, they didn’t even HAVE anything like baby wipes for their children, and I think they would have probably smacked us modern mothers upside the head at some of the things we worry about. I can see it now, “Tobias, we absolutely cannot cross over those mountains unless you can guarantee me I’ve got a way to warm up little Mildred’s burlap squares*!”  Not to say there aren’t some very nifty things, but a wipe warmer isn’t one of them. 

People say, but oh, my baby screams like a banshee when I wipe her bottom with a cold wipe! Newsflash! Many newborns scream like a banshee at many, many things, and being naked and exposed will do that to a person, especially one who just spent the last nine months all cozy-like curled up in the womb. Chances are it has little to do with the wipe.  The time frame for this type of response is actually very short, and not worth spending the money on a wipe warmer.  And if you have an older child that still does that, just tell them they need to suck it up.

HOWEVER, because I am nothing if not compassionate,  if you are worried that your little snookum’s poopy bum will be unable to cope with a wipe that doesn’t feel like an electric blanket, I have an eco-conscious and energy saving tip.

Use your hands to hold the wipe and/or wipes as you undress your child.  By the time you are ready to get down to business, voila!  You have gotten the wipes to a nice non booty-offending temperature.  And best of all, it cost you absolutely nothing!

*Not that I have any knowledge of what they used for wipes in the pioneer days.  It could have been old pieces of clothing, or leaves for all I know.

As I suspected, last week confirmed my guess that many can go for a period of time on six hours or less, but it definitely takes a toll.  Luckily only twelve percent of you are not getting enough sleep, and count me in that group.  Uh, yay? Twenty nine percent said you need at least seven hours, and only sixteen need eight or more hours.

I was talking to my sister and we were laughing about the clothes we wore in our younger, slimmer days, and it got me to thinking about the time that my mother banned her from wearing a certain outfit out of the house.  I believe it was because she thought it was too low-cut.  Interestingly enough, my sister was in college at the time, and I don’t think she really listened.  Me?  I was totally into the 80’s preppy thing, and thus was pretty much covered from head to toe, except for possibly some shin showing between my socks and my pegged pants.

And SWINTON!

All right, I’m going to have to clear Gabriel Byrne a spot in the Hall of Fame if he wins this next round.  And with his string of successes, I’m moving the portraits of Paul Newman and Jon Stewart over so as to give him some room.

But.

I’m thinking this is his toughest competition yet.  This extremely easy-on-the-eyes (and ears, such a lovely accent) contender was born in France and made a name for himself on shows such as Sex and the City, Dancing With the Stars, and Brothers and Sisters.

VERSUS