To Spank or Not to Spank, That is the Question
By Glinda
Probably the biggest disagreement over parenting that my husband and I have had is about spanking.
Both my husband and I were given “corporal punishment” as kids, although I have to say that my dad only halfheartedly hauled me on his lap and delivered a few sharp hits. My husband’s father, however, I think perhaps used his belt a bit too liberally. My husband and all three of his brothers were subjected to being hit with a belt whenever one of them wouldn’t admit wrongdoing, and it happened quite a bit.
Having a son, my husband has insisted since he was born that being hit was one of the best ways to make a boy get the picture, and quick. I have always resisted this line of thinking, and we’ve gotten into more than one argument about whether our son should be spanked. I, in my infinite wisdom and possibly threatening to have him sleep on the couch, have prevailed.
And it seems it’s a good thing I did, because this article from CNN showcases a recent study about how children who were spanked as toddlers tended to be more aggressive than their peers, as well as some cognitive slowness as compared to their peers at age 3.
The article is also interesting how it points out the tendency for physical punishment in lower-income/less educated families, to which my husband, the first (and so far only) person in his family to obtain a college degree, belongs. Whereas both of my parents were educated, and eventually phased out physical punishment altogether, even though it was in vogue as a parenting technique at the time.
But really, I don’t care about the studies, they aren’t really what makes me against spanking. I just believe that hitting someone much younger and much more vulnerable than you is wrong. That being a parent is to definitely provide discipline, but delivering it in such a violent way inevitably violates the trust a child has in their parents.
What do you think?
September 17th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
No spanking. Ever. There are so many other ways to get the point across that DON’T contain the implicit message that violence is an acceptable form of communication.
September 18th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I was spanked as a child. (never with a belt though! Ouch!) I don’t think I would use that discipline technique as often as my parents did, but I also don’t think I’ll completely eliminate it — just use it more as a “last resort”. (I don’t have kids yet, but hope to soon!)
I’d actually be really interested in hearing anyone’s recommendations for books on disciplining children in a healthy effective way. I know a lot about positive reinforcement, and am on board with that… but I can tell from observing my parent friends, that sometimes a kid will not respond to time-outs or reasoning and will just act like a monster to push boundaries. And like everyone, I’ve seen those parents in public who’s children obviously know that there will be no consequences for their behavior (the parents who start the “3… 2…” count over and over again without ever getting to 1) I myself was a brat at times — I specifically remember not really caring about being put into time-out, because I was a daydreamer and was fine with sitting still for half an hour. I’ve never really seen the time-out technique be effective on any kids older than 2 or so.
When you reach the end of your rope and your kiddo is raising hell, how do you deal?
September 18th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
It’s damn hard to say, isn’t it? I was spanked occasionally as a kid, and it certainly didn’t traumatize me or turn me into a violent person. I also have to say that the threat of a spanking, especially in public, became an incredibly effective disciplinary tactic that my mother would use, especially in grocery stores, as I would immediately cease any bad behaviour when threatened by mom to “haul down your pants in front of the entire store and spank your bum!” (In retrospect, I think it was the threat of humiliation rather than violence that was so effective.)
I wouldn’t, however, keep spanking in my regular bag of disciplinary tricks. Does it occasionally have its place? I think it does, but it’s going to be really, really rarely, and not used while I’m in the heat of anger.
I think that if one is to use spanking, it has to be used very rarely, and only on those occasions where the child is completely out of control or in immediate danger of really hurting themselves. In those circumstances, sometimes a quick swat on the bum can stop them in their tracks, shock them out of what they’re doing, and make them much less likely to repeat that action in the future (especially if reminded of the past spanking). If I spank, it will be rare, and be used more as a deterrent, rather than as a punishment (if that makes any sense at all.)
September 18th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Bingo on La Petite Acadienne’s last paragraph. My children are past that age now, but one firm pat on the backside with a very stern “No” was appropriate for the rare occasion, say the 3-year old who just ran out in front of the SUV in the parking lot. The goal being to startle to the danger of the action, not to hurt. However, regular discipline for us was not that. It either was a timeout in their room or something directly related to what the problem was. If you write on the wall with the crayon, the crayon is taken away, etc.
But IMO, two really important things to remember with any correction of children are clarity and consistency. Tell them quietly, on their level, exactly what you want them to do. And if you tell them a consequence, follow through with it every time. Trust me, they learn to listen to you if you do that and ignore you if you don’t.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Heh, how interesting, pjs — time out in the room makes very little sense to me, but I always had lots of toys and books in my room so it was essentially enforced quiet playtime. 🙂
I’m not an active parent yet (still gestating the future troublemaker), but my husband and I were both spanked as children and will probably spank occasionally ourselves. I don’t think it will be a primary form of punishment… all children react differently. My brother was completely unphased by spanking, but would have a major problem with removal of privileges (computer time, playing with friends, etc). I, on the other hand, was mortified of spanking (the humiliation, not the pain), and often the threat of it was enough to stop me in my tracks. I think it is more appropriately used in situations where the child is small enough or the situation is urgent enough that a physical message will get through when a verbal one cannot.
My husband and I have also promised each other that we will never, ever spank our children when or because we are angry. Likely this will lead to a system of brief time-outs followed by spanking for truly willfully naughty actions, such as some sort of violence on the child’s part. I don’t think that it will send the message of “repay violence with violence” but rather “Those who hurt are punished by being reminded what pain is like”.
And of course, this may all change within the next few years as I truly flex my parenting muscles. 🙂