We’ve been together so long, but (as much as it kills me to say it) it’s over now.

I remember the days before we got together. I’d go by your store just to look at you, just to make sure you were still there, still waiting for someone to pick you up. I’d had it with the one I was with at the time; it just didn’t fulfill my needs: I don’t care what the self-esteem gurus say, size DOES matter!

Somehow it seemed so much less mercenary, so much more meaningful, at the time.

I scraped and saved for weeks to get enough money to take you home, but one beautiful Autumn day just about two years ago I finally had what it took to make you mine, and we went home together.

I thought it would last forever. It’s true, at first you charmed my friends with your sassy attitude and sumptuous good looks as you had charmed me, but early this year they began to see the signs.

I’m always the last to know.

They saw things starting to unravel. They saw the wear and tear. They saw that you would not be there for me eternally, and they were right.

But that doesn’t make it any easier. I can’t keep fixing what’s wrong, I can’t just toss you aside, and frankly none of my friends would be seen dead with you at this point. I must find a way to move on.

There are plenty standing in the wings, ready to help me get over the pain of losing you, you synthetic (although passable) heartbreaker:

Kelly, my first love:

But sometimes a girl’s head is turned by sheer charm, such as Eric Javits’s Lil Circles:

Or something a little different, a little smarter, a neat, Hermes-clad military number

Whatever happens, I know better than to continue to be seen with some ratty hanger-on who’s likely to dump all my innermost secrets all over the sidewalk the next time we go out in public!

Back in my day you had to wait till you were out of Brownies before scoring your first rock, but kids today have just no patience or sense of proper time and place. Shocking!

From DelawareOnline:

New Castle County police discovered eight grams of crack cocaine hidden in a baby’s bassinet near Newark on Friday while checking on a probationer, leading to felony drug charges against three people.

Surprisingly, the baby was not one of them, leaving to an unnamed future day the passing of that great milestone of childhood, the first night in the Tank.