Ah, Christmas. The holiday season brings with it many delights, many gifts, and many, many opportunities to get back at the ones one loves.

I am reminded, at this holiday season, of a friend of mine who was once a new aunt. Delighted as she was to welcome her first niece into the world, she was naturally looking forward to choosing a lovely gift for the child, something just fabulous and indulgent enough to say “your auntie loves you, and she is doing very, very well.” That is, she was looking forward to it until she received the email from her sister-in-law spelling out in specific, brand-named detail, precisely what she was supposed to give the baby for Christmas.

She turned to me for advice.

The baby ended up with nothing on that list, but with a lovely layette, a sweet sweatsuit, and about 12 different percussive musical instruments, some of which made sounds that were equally as loud as they were obnoxious. The baby loved the gifts, the mother perhaps didn’t, but there you have it.

In any case, the above story has little enough to do with the below item; the sole point of commonality is that sometimes a gift is more than simply a token of affection: sometimes it’s a method of revenge, a comment on one’s upbringing, or a gentle hint that one needs to set one’s bar higher for the behavior of one’s beloved spawn.

We are not talking about the truly misguided gift, the one which bubbles up out of the cauldron of an overloaded, drink-sodden brain at midnight and should be just as quickly snuffed out. These gifts are known, in deference to Peg Bracken, who coined the term, as Let’s Give Grandma a Brace of Falcons gifts. These we shall discuss later, perhaps at length.

No. We are talking about the double-edged gift which simultaneously delights the recipient and delivers one’s pointed message to his/her parents.

We are talking about the Turd Twister.

Via Smoke & Mirrors

Order today, and we’ll send you our Turd Twister Kit. The Kit ships with our 10 most popular Turd Twisters. That’s 10 laugh-inspiring, dishwasher-safe Turd Twisters, and that’s just the beginning!

In addition, you’ll get the Amazing Manual called “How to Twist Your Turds”. This booklet, loaded with images explaining the art and science of Turd Twisting, will have everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

Gut-busting topics include:

• Dietary Concerns for Optimum Results
• Application Instructions for Maximum Comfort
• Twisted Knick Knacks for All Occasions
• Turd Twister Care and Maintenance
• Hilarious Anecdotes and Stories
• And much, much more! ( View Samples from Manual)

And as a bonus, by ordering online, we’ll throw in a Safe-T-Floss™ Retraction Cord. Incredibly useful if your Turd Twister gets stuck somewhere it shouldn’t be in the first place.

 

Truly, nothing says “you’ve raised a little troglodyte with neither sensitivity nor manners” like an affordable, non-toxic device which allows said droogie hours of fun shaping its bowel movements into various forms as they are produced. Sure to be a massive hit with the Rate My Poo crowd as well as those who consider Beavis and Butthead to be historic intellectuals along the lines of Socrates and Descartes, the Turd Twister is based along the familiar principles of the much-more-wholesome cookie press. Note the festive “Lucky Clover,” “Birthday” and “Christmas Tree” templates!

Can you say “Mommy and Me” matching gift set? I knew you could!

(Looking for the TeenyManolo Sweepstakes? Go here)

Have you thought to yourself, while shopping for fake pets that kids can take care of online, or toys that look like they will break after five minutes, “They just don’t make them like they used to?”

Oh, but they do! And you have to figure, there has to be some reason these toys are still around, right?

Well, I am a bit puzzled about the sea monkeys, but here is a list of classic toys you can never go wrong with purchasing.

Operation  The horrid buzzing sound that signaled the death of your dream career in medicine never failed to scare me. And that wish bone, it was always my downfall.

Sea Monkeys Ok, raise your hand if you thought they were really sea monkeys when you were a kid.  Liar.

Magic 8 ball The original, used mostly for answering the truly important questions in life, such as if Johnny liked you as much as you liked him, or if Michelle was still your best friend. 

Slinky Dog Just like the one in Toy Story!  There were rumors that he could be pulled across the length of two rooms, but I’m pretty sure that’s just an urban myth.

Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots In my estrogen-ruled household with my Dad as the only male, this game was something I never actually played with, but my husband got really excited when he found out this was still around. Why do I have the feeling I will be getting familiar with this toy sooner than I realize?

Perfection Even more than Operation, this game with a timer louder than a roaring train put me completely on edge. What other game would literally blow up in your face if you didn’t finish in time? Again, always scared the crap out of me, which was part of the fun.

Radio Flyer Classic Red Wagon Listen, they have all sorts of different incarnations of this original, including one with drink holders. But, for that true retro feeling of knowing you could fall out at any second, nothing but this will do.

Easy Bake Oven Ok, yes, so it’s been recalled. But who could forget the doughy gooeyness of a cupcake “baked” in one of these babies? Ahhh, the wonders a light bulb can do. The model from Amazon does not look to be the same as the recalled model, but apparently it’s caveat emptor.

Barbie The “Reem Acra Bride Barbie” I’ve linked to is a far cry from the Barbie I played with back in 197(cough, cough). It was Barbie, Ken, and Skipper having to make do with a shoebox as their dream house. And of course, I cut off her hair.

Lincoln Logs These are still going strong, and I am amazed that my son loves playing with these just as much as I did.

Legos This toy has evolved to include so many specialty types, from specialized acrylic bricks to yes, an Advent Calendar.

Erector sets Got a builder in the family? If you do, there is no way they can resist the siren call of the 150 Piece Construction Bucket! This toy was invented in 1913, and it is amazing that it is still a favorite almost 100 years later.

Trouble How did our parents ever survive the popping noise that this game constantly produces? But as with most noisy games, a heck of a lot of fun!

TinkerToys For some reason, I don’t remember my parents buying me this toy, but the creations my son can make with it attest to it’s continuing popularity.