Captions in the comments. Keep it clean, play safe, some assembly required.

Unbeatable image heartlessly stolen from Daddy’sDiary

E-list “celebrity” Trista Sutter (the Bachelorette, just to remind anyone who may have watched the show) is on a mission to lose weight. You see, only three months ago, she became a mother. But according to her, “I’m definitely not pleased when I look in the mirror.” Trista, weighing in at a whopping 116 pounds and size four, wants to lose that pesky baby weight, stat!

In an interview with US Magazine, Trista reveals how she especially dislikes

my belly. It has a layer of fat, which, of course, your body has to put on, but it’s blubbery and I hate it. I want to be able to go bathing suit shopping for a vacation and not feel totally disgusted… I just don’t feel good in a lot of my clothes.

Trista, Trista. Can I sit down with you for a second? We need to have a conversation. Go ahead and get comfy, because this might take a while.

I can totally understand wanting to feel healthy. I can understand a bit wanting to be thin again. Carrying a baby around, especially in the last trimester, makes you feel all waddly and ungainly. But wait, you ninny, you are still thin. I don’t know you, but I feel the overwhelming urge to call you a ninny, I hope you don’t mind.

That weight was put on your body specifically for your baby. There is nothing to be ashamed about. There is nothing to feel bad about. I think by saying that the most important thing in your life right now is losing weight does a disservice to all new mothers. Why such pressure to be “thin?” Which is such a relative term, because I haven’t weighed 116 since high school.

Let me tell you what the most important thing is. Bonding with your child, and bonding with your husband as new parents of a precious baby. That is what you should be focusing on.

Three months after the birth of my son, I was lucky to even get a decent amount of sleep, much less be all concerned that I didn’t fit into my “size 26 Hudson jeans.” If I was able to take one shower within a 24 hour period, I thought my life was fabulous. I didn’t think twice about how sexy I was or wasn’t. And my husband didn’t care either. He thought (and still thinks) I was sexy no matter what. How does your husband feel about you?

If I eat something that I shouldn’t, Ryan shakes his finger at me and says, ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ He’s been awesome, 100 percent supportive. He watches Max when I go to the gym and is constantly saying that I look great. But when you don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t feel like you want to be intimate. I want to feel, and look, sexy again for him. Even though he is being nice and saying he’s still attracted to me, I want to feel like he’s telling me the truth and not just saying it because he’s a good husband.

Earth to Trista, you call your husband scolding you like a naughty child “awesome?” You think your husband is just lying to you when he says you are still attractive?

Honey, I need to grab that shovel out of your hands before you dig yourself any deeper.

Now, if you will excuse me, my blubbery belly and I feel the need for some cookies.

P.S. Plumcake suggests that Trista needs a good punching.