by Sukanto Debnath

Really, they do.

But it was a total accident that the lunchbags they were handing out for free just happened to be tainted with a higher-than-admissible amount of lead.

The bags exhort you to “Eat fruits and vegetables and be active.” Never mind the lead poisoning we’re giving you! Go out there and exercise!

The LA Times reports that the lunchbags, given out free at health fairs and other events, were manufactured in China. Wow, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found that little tidbit out. So suprising!  I suppose the argument could be made that you get what you pay for.

The article states that “People should return the lunch boxes to the places they got them or take them to their local household hazardous waste collection facility for disposal…”  The entire family can take a special trip to the haz mat center and wave goodbye to the receptacle that formerly held their lunches as it joins the batteries, anti-freeze, and pesticides.  Those are the kinds of memories that will last forever.

And as we all know, children are more susceptible to high levels of lead than adults, so it is great to know that people may have been putting their kid’s lunches in a bag that could poison their food! Between the dangerous lunchbags and leaden Dora the Explorers, China will assure it’s world dominance by having the US produce an entire generation of IQ-challenged children!

One of the things I cannot stand are people who think that just because a child is unable to read, that they are given license to dress children in clothing bearing such classy decals as these, from a company called Standard American:

And the winner of the “And You Thought Those Were Bad” Award:

Har-de-har!  That’s a real knee slapper there!  Because child abuse is just so amusing, didn’t you know? Nothing says you are hip and edgy like joking about felony child abuse!

And really, why did they stop there?  Some sort of decency clause in the company mission statement?

I think that anyone who buys something like this and actually expects it to see the light of day needs some serious time on a couch talking about how mommy never liked them best.

Please, please tell me that no one buys these things.  Because I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and very loudly sing, “La la la la la” and hope that this company will soon go out of business. 

Come in “prom wear” and receive a special Purity T-shirt which says “once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Um. Yeahno.

Wowzer.

What can you say about this? It’s right up there with PimpMyDaughter if you think about it. I mean, the very idea of “Hollywood,” jammed right up against the word “Purity,” not to mention the fact that the event producers proudly declare they are also behind “Hollywood Hellhouse,” and they got, of all the renowned emcees, the right reverend (?) Bill Maher, to host it, a man whose declared pre-show warmup includes such activities as…well, activities which would presumably preclude his attendance at an event dedicated to the Biblical ideal of sexual purity. (Update: note to self, don’t read gossip sites before coffee: the Hollywood Purity Ball is a spoof. These official Purity Balls, however, are real)

Purity Pledges

For Fathers:

I (Daughter’s Name)’s Father, choose before to God to war for my daughter’s purity. I acknowledge myself as the authority and protector of my daughter’s virginity, and pledge to be a man of integrity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and her virginity – as the High Priest of my home.

For Virgins:

I (Name) pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer to my future husband. I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

For Secondary Virgins (those who have engaged in promiscuous behavior) and wish to recommit themselves to lives of purity):

I (Name) re–pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I now recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer my future husband. I deeply regret and will never again engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

Like, ew.

Am I alone in thinking that there’s just something the teensiest bit revolting about the whole thing? About fathers making sure that their daughters’ first dance and first date is with them? With the idea that virginity is the very best thing that you have to contribute to a marriage? With the really quite queasy-making proprietary interest of the parent in the presumedly future sex life of his child (I refer you to the logo at the top of the post)? With the public declaration of “Genitalia: Never Used! Like New!”

Cast your jaded eyes over the party pix from the gala event and between snickers at the fact that they’ve chosen perhaps the most socially libertarian celebrity they could possibly find to emcee, give a thought to the girls.

These girls are as young as eleven years old. They shouldn’t be dating anyone, let alone someone old enough to be their father! The rest of the world should, by rights, remain blissfully unaware of the state of their hymens, and in certain cases it has insisted on not being informed. Just as schools have been known to cancel “Pimp ‘n Ho” parties, so too they have begun to insist that so-called “Purity rings” do not constitute proper schoolwear.

And quite rightly, too. In this case the girl’s parents insist it’s part of her religion, but while certain sexual practices (including celibacy) may be part of a religious practice, there is no sect that makes the wearing of this ring a part of its doctrine.

Not coincidentally, the girl’s parents are on the volunteer executive of the company that sells these rings.

If gang members are prevented from wearing items which signify their sexual status (red wings, whatever) then surely it’s fair to expect everyone to abide by the same rules, whether or not you get Daddy’s permission.