Teeny Manolo: Celebrating the Joys of Parenting and Childhood - Part 280

And the Standards Are….Where?

September 20th, 2007
By Glinda

One of the things I cannot stand are people who think that just because a child is unable to read, that they are given license to dress children in clothing bearing such classy decals as these, from a company called Standard American:


Pretty Tacky




And the winner of the “And You Thought Those Were Bad” Award:


Har-de-har!  That’s a real knee slapper there!  Because child abuse is just so amusing, didn’t you know? Nothing says you are hip and edgy like joking about felony child abuse!

And really, why did they stop there?  Some sort of decency clause in the company mission statement?

I think that anyone who buys something like this and actually expects it to see the light of day needs some serious time on a couch talking about how mommy never liked them best.

Please, please tell me that no one buys these things.  Because I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and very loudly sing, “La la la la la” and hope that this company will soon go out of business. 

the Hollywood Purity Ball

September 20th, 2007
By raincoaster

Hollywood Purity Ball

Come in “prom wear” and receive a special Purity T-shirt which says “once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Um. Yeahno.


What can you say about this? It’s right up there with PimpMyDaughter if you think about it. I mean, the very idea of “Hollywood,” jammed right up against the word “Purity,” not to mention the fact that the event producers proudly declare they are also behind “Hollywood Hellhouse,” and they got, of all the renowned emcees, the right reverend (?) Bill Maher, to host it, a man whose declared pre-show warmup includes such activities as…well, activities which would presumably preclude his attendance at an event dedicated to the Biblical ideal of sexual purity. (Update: note to self, don’t read gossip sites before coffee: the Hollywood Purity Ball is a spoof. These official Purity Balls, however, are real)

Purity Pledges

For Fathers:

I (Daughter’s Name)’s Father, choose before to God to war for my daughter’s purity. I acknowledge myself as the authority and protector of my daughter’s virginity, and pledge to be a man of integrity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and her virginity – as the High Priest of my home.

For Virgins:

I (Name) pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer to my future husband. I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

For Secondary Virgins (those who have engaged in promiscuous behavior) and wish to recommit themselves to lives of purity):

I (Name) re–pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I now recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer my future husband. I deeply regret and will never again engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

Like, ew.

Am I alone in thinking that there’s just something the teensiest bit revolting about the whole thing? About fathers making sure that their daughters’ first dance and first date is with them? With the idea that virginity is the very best thing that you have to contribute to a marriage? With the really quite queasy-making proprietary interest of the parent in the presumedly future sex life of his child (I refer you to the logo at the top of the post)? With the public declaration of “Genitalia: Never Used! Like New!”

Purity Ball Defamer pixCast your jaded eyes over the party pix from the gala event and between snickers at the fact that they’ve chosen perhaps the most socially libertarian celebrity they could possibly find to emcee, give a thought to the girls.

These girls are as young as eleven years old. They shouldn’t be dating anyone, let alone someone old enough to be their father! The rest of the world should, by rights, remain blissfully unaware of the state of their hymens, and in certain cases it has insisted on not being informed. Just as schools have been known to cancel “Pimp ‘n Ho” parties, so too they have begun to insist that so-called “Purity rings” do not constitute proper schoolwear.

And quite rightly, too. In this case the girl’s parents insist it’s part of her religion, but while certain sexual practices (including celibacy) may be part of a religious practice, there is no sect that makes the wearing of this ring a part of its doctrine.

Not coincidentally, the girl’s parents are on the volunteer executive of the company that sells these rings.

If gang members are prevented from wearing items which signify their sexual status (red wings, whatever) then surely it’s fair to expect everyone to abide by the same rules, whether or not you get Daddy’s permission.

But Will They Name it “With a Fringe On Top?”

September 19th, 2007
By Glinda

The Cruises Looking Cute

Via Celebrity Baby Scoop, we learn that OK! Magazine reports an anonymous source blabbing that TomKat is looking to have another child, preferably a girl.

You know what that means, right?

It is so gonna be a boy. 

Wanting a specific gender of chid automatically starts the wheel of irony turning, and usually the more one outcome is desired, the likelihood of it not happening is directly proportional.

So, I advise the Cruises to reverse their current course and state loudly how much they want a little brother for Suri.   Maybe even jump on a few couches,  just to convince everyone of their sincerity.

Ernie Ditches the Stripes

September 19th, 2007
By Glinda

Those of you who don’t have young children at home may not have seen the new promos from PBS, mainly parodies of old movies, but you certainly don’t have to be five to appreciate them. In fact, a five year old probably does not appreciate them enough, if you ask me.

This one, a play on West Side Story, is definitely my favorite.

You have to admit, Ernie looks pretty hip in that jacket. For Ernie, anyway. Yes, yes, I know his jacket looks a bit like the Members Only one that my grandfather still wears. But, no hatin’ on my boy Ernie!

And, watch for Oscar at the end!

If Mothers Ruled the World…

September 19th, 2007
By raincoaster

Sally Field in Not Without My DaughterWhich you really have to ask, why don’t they? You’d think, with all they do for their kids, they could at least successfully indoctrinate them into the cult of mother-worship.

Then again, there’s Oedipus Rex: he did indeed love his mother, but he’s nobody’s idea of a role model.

In any case, here we have the much more wholesome Sally Field, whose heartfelt cri de coeur at the Emmys was so unceremoniously blanked out, her beaming visage replaced by a quick cut to a steroid-inflated disco ball. Yes, Gidget Got Gagged.

We here at TeenyManolo could not let this injustice live unavenged; verily, we have conducted our own version of the Watergate break-in, sneaking out under cover of darkness, clad all in black like a New York fashionista, including the black Capezio ballet flats, returning with the actual missing words writhing in a sack. Now, we shall set them free.

If only, oh, if only Richard Nixon had chanted this as an affirmation on those missing 18 minutes of tape, the world would have turned out quite differently.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we present the censored words of the eminently right-thinking Sally Field:

“If mothers ruled the world, there would be no God-damned wars in the first place.”

It’s Ok to Hang Up!

September 18th, 2007
By Glinda

Hang Up, Helena!

I looked at this picture, and I knew there were just some things going on here that I didn’t really like.

1) Aside from the fact that her son looks exactly like her but is male and has blonde hair, I wondered, why can I see his handsome face? Where is his helmet? I don’t care if he has training wheels, he still needs a helmet.

2) When out with a young child, girlfriend should not wear skirts that will allow everyone to see her butt if she needs to bend over.  In a bar? Fine.  With your kid?  Not fine.  Although I hate her for her nice legs.  Maybe I’m just jealous. Whatever.

3) Probably the worst thing is the cellphone that is attached to her head.  One of my pet peeves is parents who go out with their kids and do nothing but talk on their cell.   And it doesn’t even look like it is a fun conversation.  My son’s school has actually gone so far as to ban cellphones from the campus.  When at events or picking up their kids, parents are not allowed to yak away while their son or daughter tries to tell them about their painting.  Glinda approves.

4) The child has a Rolling Stones shirt on.   In pink.  I’m gonna say no.  The Rolling Stones just don’t do pink.

And, for those of you scratching their heads and saying to themselves, who is this woman, anyway?  I have this clue- Chris Isaak, Wicked Game. 

today’s Dickensian moment

September 18th, 2007
By raincoaster

Oliver Twist

As longtime TeenyManolo-goers know, the ol’ raincoaster here is not normally what you might call all about the cute. I have never yet been mistaken for a character from Pokemon, nor for any plucky heroine from some wholesome novel for young girls. I’m the Bad Auntie: the one who lets them swear, the one who feeds them pie for breakfast, the one who hooks them on computer games, the one who takes them to the racetrack instead of the pony rides.

And yet, this little story warmed even the crisped and sere cockles of my freeze-dried heart, which grew three sizes upon persusal of these poignant paragraphs.

…The old man’s smile was unbelievable, the kind of smile that infected onlookers alike. I know I must have had the same smile upon my face after viewing this event. After, I thought to myself, maybe humans will turn out alright.

Well, what are you still doing here? Go read it!

Nair for kids!

The New York Times reports that Nair, not happy with reaching every grown person on the planet with a pair of X chromosones (and maybe a few XY’s to boot) who might want to remove their unwanted hair, ups the ante with Nair Pretty.

Nair Pretty is specifically targeted to 10-15 year olds.

Uhhhh, when I was ten, I don’t think I was even remotely concerned with hair removal.  And I consider my young self to have been fairly girly and a little overly concerned with her looks, as most pre-teen girls are.

Unfortunately, this is where the problem lies.  Today’s society is more obsessed than ever with looking perfect.  Pre-teen girls are especially susceptible to this kind of marketing ploy because it plays upon their insecurities.  It makes them look at their legs, probably covered with peach fuzz and think, “Yuck, that needs to go.”

Stacy Feldman, vice president of marketing for the company who sells the product, is quoted as saying, “When a girl removes hair for the first time, it’s a life-changing moment.”  Life-changing?  Is she trying to put leg hair up there with the first kiss? I am shocked, just shocked, that this person who only wants to make money off your kids would say something like that.

And, check out the “Mom’s Corner” portion of the Nair Pretty website.  All the advice on talking to your daughter about the onset of puberty from a faceless mega-corporation you could ever ask for!

But hey, why am I suprised?  This is the same country where Bratz dolls outsell Barbies. It was only a matter of time.

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