You know what to do, so do it in the comments.

We’ve tried to be clear. We’ve tried to be polite. We’ve tried to be firm.

We have warned you.

And yet, some poor, deluded souls out there continue to insist on purchasing vile replicant homunculi modeled after the Grover-crushing, drug-smuggling, twitching, giggling, porn-starring megalomaniac known as Elmo.

What is it going to take before the madness ends, people? What taboos must this loathsome imp shatter in his writhing orgy of unslakeable ravening before you say No. No, it has gone too far.

Death Threat Elmo, perhaps?

A cuddly, programmable Elmo doll revealed its dark side to a Lithia family yesterday after fresh batteries were installed.

Instead of singing songs or reciting the favorite color of its 2-year-old owner James Bowman, the doll started making death threats.

With a squeeze of its fuzzy belly, the Sesame Street character now says, in a sing-song voice, “Kill James.”

Exchange it! you say. Take it back! you say. Reverse the polarity! you say. But no, there is no amount of abuse that the public will not accept as long as it comes wrapped in a fuzzy red package. James loves it. James wants to keep it. James must be a very special child.

…the malfunctioning, death-threat-spouting Elmo Knows Your Name doll is now being kept away from her son, Bowman said.

“This is his absolute favorite toy,” she said. “So we’ve been going through a lot of hassle because he’s trying to climb up the counter and up the closets to get it.”

The family plans to return the doll, but a fat lot of good that will do.

Kid, Elmo doesn’t just Know Your Name, he Knows Where You Live.

Let’s just say it: we’ve had enough of this giggling, twitching, inarticulate, naked, hairy figure.

If he sat down next to us on the bus, we’d move. You know it, I know it, The Children’s Television Sweatshop knows it, Grover knows it, CAA knows it, Elmo knows it.

That’s why he has the bodyguards.

At last, as sales of the latest “Fondle Me Elmo” doll fail to meet pre-Christmas sales expectations, the screechy acrylic star appears vulnerable. At last, people have begun to speak out.

His recent loss of the contract with Paramount, along with increasingly difficult to hush up episodes of bizarre public behavior have led to rumours of drug use, and now, for the first time, costars and those upon whose backs he climbed to reach the dizzying heights of stardom dare to step into the light and make their case, once and for all, against the megalomaniacal fiend known as Elmo.

From Eric Heyl, bravely reporting in the Pittsburgh Tribune:

Weary of his increasingly erratic behavior, Sesame Street producers will not extend the contract of the program’s most popular muppet.

Gary Knell, CEO of Sesame Workshop, the parent company of the popular PBS program, told The Wall Street Journal yesterday that he is severing ties with Elmo.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Knell said. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Sesame Street.”

Knell would not elaborate. But those close to the show indicated PBS had grown increasingly irritated over Elmo’s public embrace of Scientology.

Thus was the first shot fired across the bow of the Good Ship Elmotastic. It was not the last. As your intrepid reporter … uh … reported late last year, Elmo’s increasingly troubled behavior was not without cause … cause which was discovered by hardworking agents of the law in Barstow, California.

OCTOBER 26–A Colorado drug operation hid large quantities of methamphetamine inside Elmo dolls, according to federal investigators who yesterday announced the indictment of 21 alleged members of the ring, which transported the drug from California…
When investigators opened up the plush doll’s skull, they discovered the drug stash inside wrapped in plastic (as seen in this evidence pic). While Elmo has never previously been linked to narcotics distribution or use, the Sesame Street character appears to have no teeth, which frequently is seen in heavy meth users.

It explains so much. So very much.

While the American press understandably hesitated to publish attacks on such a prominent, seemingly invulnerable figure, the Canuckistan establishment felt no such qualms, feeling perhaps that, at last, they had found a subject so universally loathesome that it could unite all Canadians once and for all; yes, in Elmo the Quebec Separatists and the Torontocentrics were as of one mind. We were united. In Elmo-loathing, Canada has at last found a force which can bring an end to the constitutional crisis which has plagued it since the Treaty of Utrecht. Yes, we can all stand shoulder to shoulder and admit, “We hate Elmo.”

The proof? Right here in the chapter entitled A Two, Ah-Ah, Two-Faced Snake, from Scott Feschuk’s book Searching for Michael Jackson’s Nose:

BIG BIRD: All right. Well, that was when it all started to change, really. Elmo had always been a sweet little guy, even when he was starting to make it big. But then one year Bob McGrath took him to the Grammys, and Elmo was never the same.

PRODUCER: Got a bit of a big head, did he?

BIG BIRD: Well, not exactly. I think what happened is that at one of those after-parties, Bob introduced Elmo to P.Diddy, and they just hit it off. Dancing, laughing, partying. One minute Elmo’s learning his alphabet and practicing his phonics, the next he’s chugging Cristal and calling Maria “bee-yatch.”

PRODUCER: Cut. That’s great, Bird, great. But we’re working more from the Elmo-is-adored-by-children-around-the-world angle.

BIG BIRD: Oh sure, he’s all tee-hee for the cameras. But yell “Cut!” these days and the kid’s got a voice like Harvey Fierstein and a temper like Sean Penn.

But you know, I think it was the “Tickle Me Harder” sex tape that really did him in. NOT safe for work, particularly if you work in the entertainment industry.

The tape, made prior to Tickle Me Elmo’s success and fame on Sesame Street, was recently discovered by TMZ.COM working in conjunction with investigative reporters from PoopyCaca.com. “Tickle Me Harder” shows Elmo, who is credited under with the name “El Macho,” in compromising positions with two other actors, “Jack Mo’” and “Steve.”

Publicly, Elmo made a brief statement to reporters saying only, “Elmo no like.”

Click on at own risk… (more…)

Has retailers crying into their beers and parents doing a happy dance.

I have tried never to buy into the whole “must have” toy thing, although I know a lot of people do because of peer pressure and the like.  If the popular toy happens to coincide with the interests of my child, then great.  But if it doesn’t, I will feel not even a tiny pang of regret.

And is it just me, or am I the only one surprised to read in that article that layaway is back?

Maybe I come from a place of privilege when I say that I’m not a big fan of layaway.

If we can’t afford something, we don’t buy it.  We have had more than one Christmas when we told our son that Mommy and Daddy simply did not have the money to buy him oodles of things.  That he gets a lot from his extended family and we see no need to put ourselves in debt for some toys.  Did he get something? Yes, but one year it was pretty thin.

Again, maybe I know not of what I speak.

Anybody want to set me straight?

…you love playing video games as much as your kids. Er, maybe even more.

…you remember having your own Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty, Care Bear, Star Wars and Transformer toys and accessories.

…you reluctantly admit that the current incarnation of the Muppets suck.  And then go on Amazon look for DVD’s of the original Muppet Show.

…you hate Elmo and his hijacking of Sesame Street.

…you will willingly leave your newborn at home to see a U2/Blondie/Cure/B-52’s concert. Ahem.

…you regale your child with the tale of the first time you saw Star Wars, Episode Four.  Except you didn’t realize at the time it was Episode Four.

…you insist that your child watch all of the Charlie Brown specials.

…you still know the lyrics to “I’m Just a Bill” and “Conjunction Junction” by heart.

…you attempt to introduce your child to the genius of The Ramones, The Clash, and Roxy Music.

…every time you see a space shuttle launch, you hold your breath a little until it launches safely.

…you had a hard time explaining to your  child why the death of John Hughes made you sniffle.

…you give an involuntary shudder every time you see neon.

…you see an all black/mohawked/heavy eyeliner and pancake makeup/pierced/Doc Marten-clad teenager and think, “Been there, done that.”

…you studiously avoid naming your children Marsha or Jan.

…You and your kid wear matching Chuck Taylors. (La Petite Acadienne)

OK, what did I miss? Tell me and I’ll include them!

Nothing is quite as adorable as watching toddlers rip the wrapping paper off of presents. In fact, sometimes the ripping of the paper is more exciting than the actual present itself. Here’s a list for you to make sure that doesn’t happen with your gift.

Fisher Price Elmo Live Encore

Matchbox Rocky the Robot Truck

Fisher Price Kid Tough Digital Camera

Fisher Price Smart Fit

Vulli Sophie the Giraffe Teether

Fisher-Price Song ‘n Smiles SillyTown

Vtech Ride and Learn Giraffe Bike

Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Learning Farm

Mickey’s Magic Choo-Choo Train

I know, I know. Because the children’s clothing company Underten is French, I am supposed to fall in love with how wonderfully sophisticated their stuff is, and go on and on about elan or other such things.

And often, that would be true.

But this tee shirt for babies? It is so many kinds of wrong.

Kids today already have a complete underappreciation for the fabulousness that was is Kermit the Frog. He is no longer part of Sesame Street (damn you Elmo!) and you can only catch Kermit’s gentle, philosophizing ways on DVD.

So, why are the French on a campaign to have Kermit scare the bejesus out of unknowing tots? Because Kermit looks completely deranged and like he is ready to bite you. Kermit would never bite you. He would put his skinny green arm around you and discuss the works of Diogenes, but bite? He would sooner have Animal play his head like a drum than bite someone. It just wasn’t his style.

Underten has also changed him from his beloved green to red. We all know that red is the color of anger, and Kermit rarely got mad. Maybe sometimes he didn’t like being green so much, but I don’t think he would have chosen red, either. Thanks, Underten, for making this unflattering choice without his input.

I understand that the ferocious, broken-toothed smile on various icons is a trademark design from Underten.  But if you malign Kermit, you have gone too far.

Free Kermit!

Well, normally I’d never link to Jezebel; their commenters aren’t as smart and good-looking as ours are, not to mention all those “Date Rape: what’s all the fuss?” posts they did not so long ago, but every once in a while they simply fail to fail, as they do here with their 10 Awesome Moments from Sesame Street.

Singing, cultural diversity and huggable puppets: What’s not to love? (How many of these albums did you have?)

1. Me and My Llama
2. Ladybug Picnic
3. School Pageant: Flower
4. Pinball 12 with the Pointer Sisters!
5. Ernie Can’t Sleep
6. I Love Trash (my all-time favorite)
7. Somebody Come and Play
8. C is for Cookie
9. Near and Far with Grover
10. Fairy Alphabet, which I don’t believe I’ve ever actually seen before

Now, I dunno about you, but to me this list lacks a few things. A few AWESOME things, namely Monsterpiece Theatre, Elmo interviewing Ricky Gervais, and Neil Patrick Harris as the Shoe Fairy. Behold!