It is a truth universally acknowledged that a politician possessed of the usual heapin’-helpin’ of self-esteem and windbaggery must be in search of an audience. Unfortunately, some of them have discovered our little secret, teh blawgs, as an outlet therefor.

This. Does. Not. End. Well.

Allow me to introduce Edmonchuckistanian Member of the Legislative Assembly Doug Elniski here:

Elniski posted the text of a speech on June 13 that he said he gives to junior high school students at Grade 9 graduation ceremonies.

Part of the posting included advice to girls saying, “Ladies, always smile when you walk into a room, there is nothing a man wants less than a woman scowling because he thinks he is going to get s–t for something and has no idea what.”

It continues, “Men are attracted to smiles, so smile, don’t give me that ‘treated equal’ stuff. If you want Equal, it comes in little packages at Starbucks.”

Now he says he was lying; he never give that speech at all, it was a complete fabrication, everything in the blog was made up, and he stole the jokes. Thanks, we feel so much better about you now.

Huh: If this were in the Bible Belt, you’d think people would welcome it as good news!

Unfortunately, they are coming for your library privileges.

Seven year old Dominick Philip took part in a promotional photo session for the local newspaper, promoting the Nazareth Library, where he is known to be something of a regular. Sadly, it turns out that Dominick is an illegal alien intellect, hailing from nearby Tatamy, presumably home of wisdom-thieving Inkbacks who come over the county line in the dark of night, seeking to steal the 2 weeks of My Friend Flicka and The Hardy Boys which should rightfully belong only to those of Nazarene residency and status. When the heinous rights-theft was discovered, his library card was naturally revoked!

A library employee checked Dominick’s address after seeing his photo in the paper, then called and left a message on the family’s answering machine with the news, Melissa Philip says.

“As a parent, it just makes you upset,” she says, noting that it’s outrageous someone took time to research her son. “It’s a little over the top.”

What would Jesus borrow?

A word from our sponsors:

Cross-posted from raincoastermedia.com, because I don’t want any spots in this class to go begging. Come on, you can make this class! 12 noon Thursday, Pacific Daylight Time.

Who: raincoaster, yes, me.
What: Blogging for Beginners online workshop
When: 12 noon Pacific time Thursday, June 18th
Where: Skype raincoaster99
Why: learn to build a blog in one afternoon
Start from scratch and learn to post text, video, audio, and images. Includes basic copyright and blog etiquette, intro to sidebar widgets, categories, custom headers and design, and what on Earth to put IN the blog. Also where to find technical help. By the end of the workshop you’ll have a fully-functioning WordPress.com blog with several blog posts already up.

This class is limited to the first 15 respondents. To register, please email bloggingclasses AT gmail DOT com by Wednesday at noon to make sure the class is not sold out. Please pre-pay $150 via the Paypal button in the top right-hand corner of the raincoastermedia blog when your registration is confirmed. Paypal will give you a receipt and I will email you one as well.

Note that WP.com blogs do not carry advertising; this course is NOT for people who want to slap Adsense on their blogs and retire to Cancun in three weeks. Those people want Blogspot. And a good therapist.

When you caption this one, I want to see a box step with jazz hands as you hit Enter!

Yes, my friends, never let it be said that the big, bad recession has put a crimp in the parenting blog industry. Cast your eyes on this job posting (but don’t cast them too slowly; the deadline is the third!) for a Director of Sales at our good friend YoyoMama’s blog. If you are or could be in the vicinity of Vancouver, British Columbia, why not put your interests and contacts to work for you?

We’re sad to say that Jewel, who’s been with us from the very beginning, has had to scale back her role with yoyomama to focus on her family. And this means we’re looking for a new Director of Sales so if you’ve got sales moxie and sass we want to hear from you asap. Check out all the details below:

Job Description:

• Cultivate relationships with new and existing advertisers and agencies through phone, email and in person meetings.
• Create whiz bang advertising proposals, partnership programs, deliver to clients, and negotiate terms of program.
• Work with the yoyo team on big ideas and creative solutions for clients.
• Achieve monthly sales quotas.
• Lead generation through internet search/outbound calling
• Be responsible for the entire sales process from prospecting to close to follow up.
• Participate in regular sales meetings and work closely with the team.
• Participate in tradeshows and events.
• Minimum one blog post a week on topics relevant to advertisers or parenting.
• 25 – 30 hours a week minimum.

Nice to Have:

• Bachelor’s degree.
• Some interactive advertising sales experience.
• Some knowledge and participation in interactive marketplace.
• Strong understanding of Google, Highrise and Social Media.

Perks:

• Flexible hours and schedule.
• Family-friendly – hey, we’ve all got kids.
• Work from home (most of the time).
• Products to sample.

This job is paid on a commission and volume-based incentives basis.

Is this the job for you? To apply please send us a cover letter and your resume via email to info [at] yoyomama [dot] ca by June 3rd, 2009.

Up here in Canuckistan, it’s Victoria Day long weekend, which accounts for a certain lack of Canuckitude in the comments section over the past few days, but do Yanks and Brits have an exuse? Is it National Wallaby Day in Australia or something? It’s sure quiet around the ol’ TeenyManolo homestead this weekend. Perhaps you were stunned into silence at discovering AwkwardFamilyPhotos (weren’t we all?).

In any case, we do have a winner.

Bystander Says:
May 18th, 2009 at 2:46 am

“They promised me I’d be in Gryffindor!”

Congratulations and imaginary swag to Bystander! In honour of this victory, we present the Blumarine beach hat, which, while it may not reflect the dominant colour theme here, is surely just as insane and thus, it’s a perfect match!

Yes, yes, I know, I’ve become the Queen of YouTube lately, but I can’t help myself. In fact, I defy you to watch the following video and say it isn’t absolutely priceless.

Not only does it have an impeccable media pedigree, coming as it does from the esteemed Guardian (not even slightly peccable, I don’t care who you are!) but it also brings to life an amusing cliche, if obliquely.

So maybe it’s not a bull in a china shop; it’s funnier! It’s a bull in an Irish grocery store frightening all the staff, who then summon (who else?) the butcher to deal with him.

And you just know he thought they were busting his chops.

There’s nothing that can compare to the powerful glow of satisfaction which arises from teaching a child a valuable lesson, is there? It’s something which must be done, often repeatedly, year after year, lest civilization itself end and the world be taken over by bum-scratching, booger-eating Jonas Brothers fans.

HERE, my friends, is how you teach a young person a lesson never to be forgotten. And such an important one, as well.