Teeny Manolo

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s August out there, and around the ol’ raincoaster homestead that means one thing and one thing only: making a laughingstock of yourself trying to play with the kids’s beach toys.

You name it: hula hoops. skipping ropes. beach balls. shovels and pails and pimped-out sandcastle engineering equipment. swimming pool badminton. trac ball. nerf football. water balloons. boogie boards. that stupid little rope on the ring with the dooie at the end of it that you stick on your ankle and dance around like Ed Grimley rolling on E.

They whup my sorry ass every damn time.

But among the glories of summer toys too tempting for even those of positively Malkovichian gravitas, one stands supreme, like the lone cherry on the very summit of the quadruple chocolate-mint meltie with extra crushed hazelnut praline that lives in my dreams, if not in my diet.

The SuperSoaker.

And, as with all the many immortal archetypes which chime agreeably in our collective unconscious like the orchestra of the divine Big Band which plays at the right hand of God (except when the bagpiper is there), the history of the SuperSoaker is nothing less than an epic of human achievement and a moral fable of the most exquisitely resonant irony.

And iSoaker has it; here’s a snippet:

The year of 1989 began the water weaponry revolution. The origin of the Super Soaker® actually dates back to 1982 when Dr. Lonnie Johnson, a nuclear engineer, first had the idea of making a high performance toy water gun. At the time, he was employed at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena California as a spacecraft systems engineer on the Galileo mission to Jupiter. As a part time inventor, it took eight (8) years before the gun was finally introduced to consumers…

The idea behind the Power Drencher was actually derived from some work Lonnie was doing on a heat pump that used water as opposed to freon. He hooked up the model of the pump to his bathroom sink at his home. “I turned around and I was shooting this thing across the bathroom into the tub and the stream of water was so powerful that the curtains were swirling in the breeze it sent out,” he said. “I thought, ‘This would make a great water gun.’” (Quote from a Weekend Edition interview between Lonnie Johnson and Liane. Click here for more information.)

Unlike its motorized predecessors, Johnson developed a gun that relied on air pressure and arm pumping for pressurizing the firing chamber. The end result was a water blaster capable of delivering more water farther and faster than any other water gun on the market. The brand name, Super Soaker®, was introduced nation-wide in 1991 through a series of TV-advertisements.

If we, the adults, cannot beat those darn kids at their own game, the least we can do is learn enough to bore them stupid on the subject, right?

All I can come up with is something to do with Venetian blinds…

As responsible Parentosphere bloggers we’ve previously noted the bizarre celebrity fad for money as literal plaything. See this image of adorable Violet Affleck, toying with the weekend box office take for Daddy’s last movie.

Well, the fad has spread even unto the Scientology Celebrity Center, and amid shocking, completely unforseen reports that Tom Cruise can no longer command $20 million a picture, we can see that the normally highly competitive Suri “Louboutins” Cruise has had to scale back from Benjamins to Jacksons as well.

Not content with dressing the anatomically impossible Barbie in tame outfits like fairy princesses and snow queens, Mattel decided to finally give Barbie the outift her figure has been crying out for all along.

Yes, Black Canary Barbie (based on a comic book character) is certain to captivate that certain elusive demographic Mattel has yet to successfully reach. That of the obsessed fanboy living in his mother’s basement.

Oh, and if a few little girls happen to see their favorite doll dressed like a dominatrix, complete with fishnets, uber-shiny latex and groin-grinding boots, well, that’s apparently not their problem.

I know that there are adults out there who do not like baths. I am not among them, although I readily admit to taking very few baths. But the idea of a bath is absolutely smashing.

Most kids I know like taking a bath, and part of that is having some good bath toys to play with whilst waiting for all the bubbles to pop. And, if you have a reluctant bather, then enticing them with some really good bath toys just might convince them to spend more than five minutes in the water. Minus the screaming, too, of course.

Boon Bath Goods Soft and squishy contemporary toys that don’t absorb water, thus lessening the mildew factor. Comes with fifteen bath appliques, three silicone balls, and two mini-scrubbies.

Tub Tunes Water Drums Floating drumset allows you to change the pitch by adjusting the water level. Too cool!

Floating Blocks Use the board provided to stack blocks, and it even comes with its own mesh bag for storage. Which is always handy.

Rub a Dub Stickers for the Tub Twenty seven foam cutouts of cars, trains, and motorcycles allow for lots of creative fun. Also has a mesh storage bag.

Crayola Bathtub Crayons Allow your young Picasso to use the entire bathtub and surrounding walls as their canvas! I speak from personal experience in saying they come off easily with a tiny bit of elbow grease.

Crayola Floating Art Desk Or if you prefer to keep them limited, this is just the thing. Has a built-in storage compartment for the crayons. Crayons included.

Crayola Bathtub Tints They will love watching these tablets fizz (a la Alka Seltzer) in the tub, changing the color of the water. Use the single colors, or mix to create new colors. Non-irritating and will not stain the tub or the kid.

Shaving in the Tub A must for any boy that wants to be just like Daddy. Get your camera ready for this one.

Bathtime Kitchen Sink Help develop motor skills with eight different activities including scooping, pouring, straining, and squirting. Comes with a terry cloth scrub brush and storage bag.

“Sea” Bath Squirties What is bathtime without some squirties? These are definitely the cutest ones around.

You will recall our poor, lost friend from Friday. It’s now time to announce the winner of another very competitive caption contest, and a more heartrending tale you will rarely read. Ripped, apparently, straight from the pages of that sobfest of the vested, Portfolio Magazine, comes the following comment on the devastating consequences of an economic downturn:

Sunflowery Says:
July 11th, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Oh crap… the Velveteen Rabbit warned me when he was getting canned that there will be some major downsizing because of the subprime crisis … but did I listen? Nope.
Oh well… let’s at least hope I get to come back as a Bratz doll… they’re the most popular girls in the playroom..

Congratulations and imaginary swag to Sunflowery for the win! We’ve found her something swanky and as suitable for Wall Street as for Balmoral, the Brooks Brothers Check Border Equestrian Scarf (currently less than half price, at $91). As they say, if you want to get ahead, get a horse.

In the world of toy designs, some rare creations are so enriched with the superfabulousness that comes from pure genius that it’s hard to believe they didn’t always exist.

CrazyForts is one of those designs.

Like oversized TinkerToys, these safe and sturdy frames can be put together in almost infinite variations. And you get to keep the cushions on the sofa where they belong! To create the world’s most customizable fort, just pop the frame together in the configuration of your choice and throw a sheet over the skeleton. It’s up to the kids if they want to use the Star Wars ones or the flanellette cowboys, though. You don’t want to interfere with creative genius.

I have officially fallen in love with the Wii.

We played it constantly when we were visiting with family this summer, and will be getting one for ourselves in short order.   The graphics are outstanding, the games are fabulous, and some of them require quite a bit of movement.  And, can I brag here that I KO’d the Scarecrow in boxing?  I am the champion! Actually, I am afraid that I will find myself wanting to play it just as often as the Munchkin.

But, what games to get?  I did some research, and these are some of the best games for the whole family, rated “Everyone” by the ESRB, which is the rating system of the gaming world.

Mario Kart Wii with Wii Wheel  You don’t have to get the wheel, but it sure makes it a lot more fun.  Mario Kart is a rollicking good time with fantastical race tracks.  And lots of them!

Super Mario Galaxy Follow Mario into space and travel with him across planets and galaxies as he tries to save Princess Peach from the evil Bowser!

Wii Fit How could I not include the talk of the town? The skiing and snowboarding games are supposed to be the most enjoyable.

Rayman Raving Rabbids Get the most out of the innovative wii-mote as you assist Rayman in the gladiator battles that his rabbit masters are forcing him to play. Sound a little crazy? Well, it’s definitely crazy fun!

Excite Truck More of an arcade game than a real “racing” game, you go off-roading and jumping obstacles. You’re still going fast and there are just as many thrills and spills.

Elebits You are a spoiled child whose parents need your help! Go around with your raygun and collect Elebits so that your town can regain its electrical power! Destructive, but non-violent fun.

Boom Blox A collaboration between Steven Spielberg and gaming giant Electronic Arts, this promises to never get old with over 300 levels! Use objects like bowling balls and fire hoses to clear your path through brain-twisting challenges.

Mercury Meltdown: Revolution Guide your “blob” through mazes and obstacle courses to complete levels. A great game for the budget-minded, it’s one of the cheapest, yet is just as enjoyable as the blockbusters.

WarioWare: Smooth Moves A wonderful multi-player game, you will find it hard to play because you are too busy laughing to try and figure out what you are supposed to do!

Endless Ocean: Dive, Discover, Dream A video game that could almost be described as relaxing! Become a SCUBA diver and explore the ocean and everything in it.

Pinball Hall of Fame: The Williams Collection Feel sorry for kids who have never played pinball because you can’t find the tables anymore? This is the closest you are going to get to the real thing without actually having the real thing!

Awwwww, this one’s a heartbreaker. Captions in the comments, as usual:

from TheLisantiQuarterly

Kids just love to pretend that they are older, don’t they? The Munchkin loves to sweep and vacuum and be all grown up, just like the Scarecrow and me. Too bad we are probably on the last legs of this trend, and sooner rather than later I will be bribing him just to make his bed.

But, for the kids that are still groovin’ on the grown-up thing, these are just the ticket.

Playskool Dusty the Talking Vacuum Cleaner with Bonus Mini-Vac Has animation, fun sounds and even Dusty’s friend Brushy! And oooh! Bonus mini-vac!

Little Tikes Mulching Mower Love stuff from Little Tikes! This one has “mulching action” aka little bouncing balls, a gas cap, and realistic sounds that will be sure to be a big hit.

Little Tikes Shopping Cart The Munchkin got this cart when he was three, and he adored it. It doesn’t just have to be a cart for food, it can be a cart for just about everything! Be prepared, though, to have your child careening around the house with it. They just can’t help it.

Little Tikes Tot Sports Easy Hit Golf Uh, it seems like Little Tikes should be giving me some sort of commission here. For your budding Tiger Woods, this can be played both indoors and out.

Wooden Take-Along 24-piece Tool Kit From Melissa and Doug, this cute little toolbox gets high marks for creativity and safety.

Learning Resources Pretend & Play Doctor Set Many doctor sets don’t have enough equipment, but that isn’t a problem here. There’s enough for an entire medical team!

Learning Resources Teaching Cash Register Check it out, from ages thirty six months to seven years! Not many toys have that kind of longevity. Show me a kid who doesn’t love a cash register, I dare you!

LifeStyle Dream Kitchen A big hit with both boys and girls, this kitchen from Step 2 has great attention to detail, including “stainless steel” appliances and “granite” countertops. It also has lots of fun little extras like boiling water sounds and a 28-piece cookware set.

Animal Hospital Pet Vitamins! Boo-boo cream! Little invidual cages! Keys that open separate doors! This set by Parents is everything an aspiring vet could want.