Things I Hate | Teeny Manolo - Part 2



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Things I Hate: People Who Are Late

Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
By Glinda

I pride myself on being on time to everything.

I swear I can count on two hands the number of times I have been late in my life, and usually it was due to circumstances out of my control such as traffic accidents.

It takes forethought, it takes planning, and it often leaves me with extra time twiddling my thumbs in a parking lot somewhere because I allot for possible traffic and whatnot.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I don’t like to come huffing and puffing into some meeting, mumbling something about the elevator being broken as everyone stares at me.

I don’t like to keep my son’s teachers waiting at parent/teacher conferences because then it pushes back all of the other time slots dependent upon mine being done at a certain time.

I don’t like to stumble around a movie theater in the dark, tripping over someone’s feet and then sitting right in front of someone else who now has the choice of also stumbling around in the dark to find a better seat, or who must remain there, cursing me under their breath.

Others, it seems, don’t seem to care.  And I think that’s what bothers me the most.

In my first years in college, I had a best friend with whom I carpooled to school. I should have known this was a bad idea since she was chronically late to pretty much everything, but I was young and stupid and the idea of chatting happily and listening to the radio together was too strong for me to resist.

It turned out she was ALWAYS late picking me up, no matter how many times I beseeched her to set her alarm clock earlier, or skip part of her makeup routine or whatever the hell it was that made her screech into my driveway ten minutes later than she should have.  

So I was forced to run to class, and be on the receiving end of dirty looks from my professors who had already started their lectures and didn’t appreciate my awkward entrance.

I actually began to resent her for it, and even though it wasn’t the reason we became not-best-friends-anymore, it certainly was something I didn’t miss in my life.  Too much stress for absolutely zero payoff, at least on my end. 

I currently do not have any friends who are habitually late, and I plan on keeping it that way.


Things I Hate: Babyproofing

Thursday, August 19th, 2010
By Glinda

Let me clarify, I don’t hate the idea of babyproofing. Who could possibly hate the idea of keeping one’s child from sticking their finger in an electric socket?

No, it’s all of the things that take hold in your paranoid parental mind as you are browsing through the websites.  There are things on there that never even crossed your mind until you saw them staring out at you from the screen.  Then some sort of strange hypnosis happens and your brain starts thinking it’s a good idea to get that “VCR shield.”  And you don’t even HAVE a VCR.

There is nothing more frightening for a parent than thinking their child will somehow harm themselves, and the babyproofing industry takes advantage of that, and then some.  There are a million and one ways to part you with your money, all in the name of safety.  Because no one in their right mind is against safety.

How did the people of the past ever function without toilet seat locks?  Or baby gates?  Or, of course, VCR shields?

Somehow, our species has survived for centuries without them.  People used to regularly have open flame in their homes, for goodness sakes.   Or a horrifically hot stove that was “on” at all times to keep the house warm in the winter.   And yet, here we are.

I’m guessing that there is no substitute for just plain watching your kid like a hawk, as hellacious hard work as that can be. 

So I’m sorry babyproofing industry, you’ve only got me for some outlet covers and a couple of baby gates.


Things I Hate: People Who Hate Kids

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
By Glinda

There is no turning of the cheek, yo.

I am totally sick of people who hate on kids.

They are particularly rampant online, and they are always the first to preface their dislike of children by saying, “I was a perfectly behaved child. My mom made sure of that.”

The passage of time, it just adds to the delusion for these people.

Because there is no way in hell that absolutely every public appearance ever made by them and their siblings was the epitome of perfect behavior. It might make them feel better about their decision to hate upon little ones by telling themselves that dubious fact, but if that was indeed the case, I’m guessing that mom might have had a wire hanger issue or three.

Listen, I can certainly understand being annoyed by misbehaving children. I am annoyed by them too. But that doesn’t give me carte blanche to drink the haterade on an entire generation.

I mean, I’m not necessarily fond of baby boomers, but you won’t find me casually tossing out the fact that I can’t stand them and wish they would just go away. But this seems to be an acceptable thing for the obviously childless to do.

But I’ve got some news for all the baby haters out there.

Kids, they are here to stay.  Kids with all their imperfections and tantrums and behaviors that occasionally make you wish for the Calgon, already. 

However, kids also have this amazing way of finding joy in the simplest of things, and of being unintentionally hilarious just when you need a laugh the most.  Kids with their sticky hugs, their Lego creations made just for you, and their faces looking up into yours like you are the best. thing. ever.

The people who constantly scowl at “these kids today” are those who richly deserve the ugly permanent brow furrows they will be getting in their foreheads tomorrow.


Things I Hate: Babies Talking Like Adults

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
By Glinda

I might be the only one, but watching babies speak with adult voices creeps me out.

I didn’t like it so much in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” which was the first time I remember seeing the concept. But at least it was understandable as a plot device, and it was an animated baby, which made it a bit easier to swallow. And maybe because it was just an awesome movie in general.

The E*Trade commercials are the ones that really freak me out, because it is a real baby with a (poorly) CGI’d mouth, and some snarky, slacker-sounding dude doing the voice. The dissonance is what is supposed to get your attention, but it makes me actively loathe them in a manner that just isn’t seemly.

The jury, however, is out on this one. I find it strangely compelling, but it certainly doesn’t make me want to buy Evian.

Actually in watching that again, I think the scariest part is the French voice at the end, which sounds like a parched, chain-smoking adolescent. Which come to think of it, makes me think of drinking water. So touche, Evian, touche.


Things I Hate: Baby Wipe Warmers

Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
By Glinda

 

Baby wipe warmer

A distant acquaintance of mine was recently waxing rhapsodic about a baby item she felt she could not do without. She was talking about her baby wipe warmer.

Say what?

I cannot think of a piece of baby gear that is more superfluous, and yes, wasteful, than the electric baby wipe warmer. I think it is a common misconception for new mothers to want “the best” for their babies, and by god, no nasty room temperature wipe is going to touch their precious kids’ bottoms! Not if they have anything to say about it!  And boy, has the Baby Industrial Complex stepped up to deliver anything and everything a mom might want, regardless of whether she actually needs it.

I often wonder how the pioneers crossing the continent would have felt about this particular motherly concern. Oh yeah, right, they didn’t even HAVE anything like baby wipes for their children, and I think they would have probably smacked us modern mothers upside the head at some of the things we worry about. I can see it now, “Tobias, we absolutely cannot cross over those mountains unless you can guarantee me I’ve got a way to warm up little Mildred’s burlap squares*!”  Not to say there aren’t some very nifty things, but a wipe warmer isn’t one of them. 

People say, but oh, my baby screams like a banshee when I wipe her bottom with a cold wipe! Newsflash! Many newborns scream like a banshee at many, many things, and being naked and exposed will do that to a person, especially one who just spent the last nine months all cozy-like curled up in the womb. Chances are it has little to do with the wipe.  The time frame for this type of response is actually very short, and not worth spending the money on a wipe warmer.  And if you have an older child that still does that, just tell them they need to suck it up.

HOWEVER, because I am nothing if not compassionate,  if you are worried that your little snookum’s poopy bum will be unable to cope with a wipe that doesn’t feel like an electric blanket, I have an eco-conscious and energy saving tip.

Use your hands to hold the wipe and/or wipes as you undress your child.  By the time you are ready to get down to business, voila!  You have gotten the wipes to a nice non booty-offending temperature.  And best of all, it cost you absolutely nothing!

*Not that I have any knowledge of what they used for wipes in the pioneer days.  It could have been old pieces of clothing, or leaves for all I know.


Things I Hate: Minivans

Thursday, March 11th, 2010
By Glinda

2004 Sienna LE

 

Let’s get this straight, I am not hating on drivers of minivans, but minivans themselves.  So let’s not have me wake up to find outrage in the comment section, mmmkay?

Honestly, I know of no vehicle that is as uncool to be seen in as a minivan.  Minivans scream practicality, and thus, are not cool.  Because in our society, practicality is for suckers.  It’s all about the looks, man. 

Who cares if your family and all its assorted gear doesn’t fit?  Who cares if it’s a pain to not have an automatic sliding door, or that your kid can barely get themselves up to the running boards?

You look cool, and that is all that counts in America.  Everyone knows that the only people who willingly drive minivans and don’t die a little death every time they start the engines are moms.

And moms=totally lame.

We’re only the ones who gave birth to you, fed you and changed your diapers, clothed you, loved and held you, and raised you to be the best you can be.

Yeah, totally lame.

That, however, is not stopping me from buying a minivan of my very own in the next few weeks.  Because I am tired of driving with my knees shoved up against the dashboard of my beloved but now too-small to fit four and you know, maybe a friend now and then, Honda.  Unless I plan on neither of my children ever inviting a friend with us anywhere.  Or on not taking my rightful place in the neighborhood carpool.

So watch out lame, here I come!


Things I Hate: The “Womb Box”

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
By Glinda

012910BabyMusicZM30.jpg

 

Yes, there is yet another wave of products on the ever-increasing baby market that claim to make your child smarter, even in utero!

They are being dubbed “womb boxes” and for some strange reason, parents are falling into the trap of technology=better. Some are beaming in classical music, while others like Sheila and Ian Savage simply feel that their voices are “too muffled” for the baby to hear them without amplification.

Say what?

There is one parent quoted in the article who piped Mozart to her unborn sons, and they wound up becoming successful professional musicians.  But the article also states that the father is a professional musician as well, so I’m guessing it’s not a stretch that there is musical talent running in the family, regardless of their appreciation of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik at 30 weeks gestation.

Actually, there is a quote from a physician that perfectly expresses how I feel:

“This could be a hindrance to a baby’s sleep cycle,” says Dr. David Cabbad, a pediatrician at the Brooklyn Hospital Center.

“Why don’t we just let the baby develop normally in utero? Let him hear the father screaming at the mother, the TV, the phone ringing, and then when he gets out let him deal with that. It’s not natural. They’re in a womb, a protected atmosphere. Now you’re going to give them outside interference? Why don’t we give them a cellphone, too?”


Things I Hate: Coffee

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
By Glinda

coffee_poster

Yes, you read that right.

I hate coffee.

I”ve never liked it, even when my dad would give me sips of his (black) coffee as a kid.  Well, maybe that is why I dislike it so much, as coffee with nothing in it is akin to unfiltered motor oil.

In this Starbucks nation, I am a tea drinker, which puts me in some assuredly tiny minority of people who have never ever tasted a Frappuccino.

And don’t anyone try to tell me what I’m missing, because I know that I am missing absolutely nothing. 

Even the name turns me off, reminding me of all sorts of things. Tuberculosis comes first to mind.

Coffee leaves a horrid taste in my mouth that nothing short of sandblasting my mouth can get rid of.  Not to mention the bad breath, and coffee lovers, you are deluding yourselves that you are immune from the dreaded fire-breathing coffee effect.

Give me tea any day.  I”ll take it green, or Earl Grey, or Darjeeling, or any number of ways except perhaps for orange.    Sit me down at a formal tea, and I am a happy girl, delicately partaking of my scones, lemon curd, and clotted cream.  

Listen, there is tea picked by monkeys and there is coffee pooped by monkeys.

That tells me all I need to know.









Disclaimer: Manolo the Shoeblogger is not Manolo Blahnik
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