That’s Just Wrong » Teeny Manolo



Archive for the 'That’s Just Wrong' Category


He’s going to be VERY popular

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
By raincoaster

Charlie Willard Horse Dick

Belated congratulations to the Dicks of Spokane. 20 1/2 inches is pretty impressive!

Seriously, the kid may get teased in gradeschool, but I think that the post-pubescent payoff will be worth it. Once he’s a grownup, he is going to OWN every honky-tonk he walks into.

From Name of the Year, via Bridlepath who also passes along the delightful Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing. See our previous remarks on no-no’s of nanonomenclature here.


The State of California Wants Your Children to Be Healthy

Thursday, September 20th, 2007
By Glinda

Really, they do.

But it was a total accident that the lunchbags they were handing out for free just happened to be tainted with a higher-than-admissible amount of lead.

So Healthy!

The bags exhort you to “Eat fruits and vegetables and be active.” Never mind the lead poisoning we’re giving you! Go out there and exercise!

The LA Times reports that the lunchbags, given out free at health fairs and other events, were manufactured in China. Wow, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found that little tidbit out. So suprising!  I suppose the argument could be made that you get what you pay for.

The article states that “People should return the lunch boxes to the places they got them or take them to their local household hazardous waste collection facility for disposal…”  The entire family can take a special trip to the haz mat center and wave goodbye to the receptacle that formerly held their lunches as it joins the batteries, anti-freeze, and pesticides.  Those are the kinds of memories that will last forever.

And as we all know, children are more susceptible to high levels of lead than adults, so it is great to know that people may have been putting their kid’s lunches in a bag that could poison their food! Between the dangerous lunchbags and leaden Dora the Explorers, China will assure it’s world dominance by having the US produce an entire generation of IQ-challenged children!


the Hollywood Purity Ball

Thursday, September 20th, 2007
By raincoaster

Hollywood Purity Ball

Come in “prom wear” and receive a special Purity T-shirt which says “once you pop, you can’t stop.”

Um. Yeahno.

Wowzer.

What can you say about this? It’s right up there with PimpMyDaughter if you think about it. I mean, the very idea of “Hollywood,” jammed right up against the word “Purity,” not to mention the fact that the event producers proudly declare they are also behind “Hollywood Hellhouse,” and they got, of all the renowned emcees, the right reverend (?) Bill Maher, to host it, a man whose declared pre-show warmup includes such activities as…well, activities which would presumably preclude his attendance at an event dedicated to the Biblical ideal of sexual purity. (Update: note to self, don’t read gossip sites before coffee: the Hollywood Purity Ball is a spoof. These official Purity Balls, however, are real)

Purity Pledges

For Fathers:

I (Daughter’s Name)’s Father, choose before to God to war for my daughter’s purity. I acknowledge myself as the authority and protector of my daughter’s virginity, and pledge to be a man of integrity as I lead, guide, and pray over my daughter and her virginity – as the High Priest of my home.

For Virgins:

I (Name) pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer to my future husband. I will not engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

For Secondary Virgins (those who have engaged in promiscuous behavior) and wish to recommit themselves to lives of purity):

I (Name) re–pledge my purity to my father, my future/husband and my Creator. I now recognize that virginity is my most precious gift to offer my future husband. I deeply regret and will never again engage in sexual activity of any kind before marriage but will keep my thought and my body pure as a very special present for the one I marry.

Like, ew.

Am I alone in thinking that there’s just something the teensiest bit revolting about the whole thing? About fathers making sure that their daughters’ first dance and first date is with them? With the idea that virginity is the very best thing that you have to contribute to a marriage? With the really quite queasy-making proprietary interest of the parent in the presumedly future sex life of his child (I refer you to the logo at the top of the post)? With the public declaration of “Genitalia: Never Used! Like New!”

Purity Ball Defamer pixCast your jaded eyes over the party pix from the gala event and between snickers at the fact that they’ve chosen perhaps the most socially libertarian celebrity they could possibly find to emcee, give a thought to the girls.

These girls are as young as eleven years old. They shouldn’t be dating anyone, let alone someone old enough to be their father! The rest of the world should, by rights, remain blissfully unaware of the state of their hymens, and in certain cases it has insisted on not being informed. Just as schools have been known to cancel “Pimp ‘n Ho” parties, so too they have begun to insist that so-called “Purity rings” do not constitute proper schoolwear.

And quite rightly, too. In this case the girl’s parents insist it’s part of her religion, but while certain sexual practices (including celibacy) may be part of a religious practice, there is no sect that makes the wearing of this ring a part of its doctrine.

Not coincidentally, the girl’s parents are on the volunteer executive of the company that sells these rings.

If gang members are prevented from wearing items which signify their sexual status (red wings, whatever) then surely it’s fair to expect everyone to abide by the same rules, whether or not you get Daddy’s permission.


If Mothers Ruled the World…

Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
By raincoaster

Sally Field in Not Without My DaughterWhich you really have to ask, why don’t they? You’d think, with all they do for their kids, they could at least successfully indoctrinate them into the cult of mother-worship.

Then again, there’s Oedipus Rex: he did indeed love his mother, but he’s nobody’s idea of a role model.

In any case, here we have the much more wholesome Sally Field, whose heartfelt cri de coeur at the Emmys was so unceremoniously blanked out, her beaming visage replaced by a quick cut to a steroid-inflated disco ball. Yes, Gidget Got Gagged.

We here at TeenyManolo could not let this injustice live unavenged; verily, we have conducted our own version of the Watergate break-in, sneaking out under cover of darkness, clad all in black like a New York fashionista, including the black Capezio ballet flats, returning with the actual missing words writhing in a sack. Now, we shall set them free.

If only, oh, if only Richard Nixon had chanted this as an affirmation on those missing 18 minutes of tape, the world would have turned out quite differently.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we present the censored words of the eminently right-thinking Sally Field:

“If mothers ruled the world, there would be no God-damned wars in the first place.”


Is Your Tween Daughter Entering That Awkward Phase? Nair is Here to Help

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
By Glinda

Nair for kids!

The New York Times reports that Nair, not happy with reaching every grown person on the planet with a pair of X chromosones (and maybe a few XY’s to boot) who might want to remove their unwanted hair, ups the ante with Nair Pretty.

Nair Pretty is specifically targeted to 10-15 year olds.

Uhhhh, when I was ten, I don’t think I was even remotely concerned with hair removal.  And I consider my young self to have been fairly girly and a little overly concerned with her looks, as most pre-teen girls are.

Unfortunately, this is where the problem lies.  Today’s society is more obsessed than ever with looking perfect.  Pre-teen girls are especially susceptible to this kind of marketing ploy because it plays upon their insecurities.  It makes them look at their legs, probably covered with peach fuzz and think, “Yuck, that needs to go.”

Stacy Feldman, vice president of marketing for the company who sells the product, is quoted as saying, “When a girl removes hair for the first time, it’s a life-changing moment.”  Life-changing?  Is she trying to put leg hair up there with the first kiss? I am shocked, just shocked, that this person who only wants to make money off your kids would say something like that.

And, check out the “Mom’s Corner” portion of the Nair Pretty website.  All the advice on talking to your daughter about the onset of puberty from a faceless mega-corporation you could ever ask for!

But hey, why am I suprised?  This is the same country where Bratz dolls outsell Barbies. It was only a matter of time.


The Cupcake Needs to Stage a Coup

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
By Glinda

Watch Out! It’s Bad!

Do you like cupcakes? I like cupcakes. In fact, I don’t know anybody that doesn’t. Especially kids. Even if they won’t eat the cake part, the icing is always a goner.

Via Serious Eats we learn that school districts across this great land of ours are having our kids “Just Say No.”

Glinda, you ask, what are they saying “no” to? Drugs? Alcohol? My friends, the answer is that they are learning the dangers of a food that is the root of all evil, the cupcake. Sure it looks all sweet and innocent, but lurking beneath that yummy exterior is a lifetime of obesity! Cupcakes are a gateway food, didn’t you know?

It seems that with all the warranted concern over childhood obesity and rising Type II diabetes in children, schools are now looking to ban sweet treats in school. Even for special occasions such as a birthday.

I can see it now, “Boys and girls, it’s Natasha’s birthday, so her mom brought us all brussels sprouts and cabbage!” Can you hear the shouts of joy? I thought not.

I understand that with larger class sizes now being the norm (hey, why not a ban on that?) bringing treats to class for a birthday can result in what seems like many days of sugar-and-butter-fueled parties.

And yet again, we as a nation try to blame the majority of our societal ills on our school system.

I’m here to tell you that a child just does not gain significant amounts of weight from eating birthday cupcakes. Too many video games? Check. Not enough physical activity? Check. A lack of healthy foods consumed at home? Check-o-rama.  A grocery store filled to the brim with foods that have high fructose corn syrup? What do you think?

Now to be honest, I don’t always agree with the good folks in Texas, but they were actually able to pass a “Safe Cupcake Amendment” in the state’s nutritional school guidelines to retain the cupcake’s place in our national birthday psyches. Don’t mess with Texas, and hands off their cupcakes!

Why, why do we keep trying to take things away from our children instead of teaching them proper nutrition and most of all, moderation?  There has got to be a better way to do it, rather than an all-out ban.

But I’m guessing that what the cupcake really needs is a good publicist. It needs to focus on “charity” and being photographed holding a Bible. Hey, it worked for Paris Hilton, didn’t it?


The Unicorn Chaser

Monday, September 10th, 2007
By raincoaster

Our own version of BoingBoing’s patented Unicorn Chaser.

We’ve had some complaints about the post below this (and it is indeed strong stuff if you came here looking for tips on back to school shopping), so we are offering, in lieu of smelling salts, recourse to our #1 favorite mindwash of all time: the ever-popular, mindless, yet irresistible force of nature that is We Like tha Moon, by the Spongmonkeys (and no, that’s not a spelling mistake). This is so strange, yet so cute in a Terry Gilliam Was My Babysitter kind of way, that it gets both the “That’s Just Wrong” tag and the “The Cuteness Abounds” tag.

Toddlers like this song even better than stoners do. Not that I know any stoners. Oh, perish the thought!

And lookie: here’s the lyrics.

We like the moon
coz it is close to us.
We like the MOOOOOON!
But not as much as a spoon
coz that’s more use for eating soup
and a fork isn’t very useful for that
unless it has got many vegetables
and then you might be better off with a chopstick.
Unlike the moon
It is up in the sky
It’s up there very high
but not as high as maybe dirigibles or zeppelins
or lightbulbs
and maybe clouds
and puffins also I think maybe they go quite high too
maybe not as high as the moon.
Coz the moon is very high.
We like tha moon
Tha moon is very useful everyone.
Everybody like the moon.
Because it light up the sky as night and it lovely and it make the tide go
and we like it
but not as much as cheese.
We really like cheese
we like zeppelins
We really like them
and we like kelp
and we like moose
and we like deer
and we like marmots
and we like all the fluffy animals.
We really like tha moon.


Return of the Babyhaters: Kip and Dana Smith

Monday, September 10th, 2007
By raincoaster

Yes, TeenyManolo is rapidly becoming the Internet’s #1 go-to site for the very latest in Baby Hater news. In this case, we bring you news of a couple of not-so-much-Baby-Haters as Kids-of-All-Ages-Haters, dream couple Kip and Dana Smith.

Kip and Dana Smith

Not tasers, nor automatic weapons; in this case, they are alleged to have used the rather hillbillyesque electric cattle prod.

I’m sure you’re well aware of the “it’s a Freudian response to my upbringing” excuse, and surely these two must have some backstory; why, their parents couldn’t even be bothered to pay enough attention to give them gender-specific names. Maybe they’re brother and sister? It’s no wonder they’re messed up, poor things!

Funny, he doesn’t look Preppy.

Let’s go to the transcript:

Officers say the incidents happened in June and July. They say the couple repeatedly used an electric hand-held cattle prod on the boys, who are ages 12 and 14.

Officers also say Kip Smith struck the victims with a cane across the buttocks and legs back in March.

If you happen to be near 398 New Bridge Road, Aiken, South Carolina any time soon, do drop in and say hello to this fun couple and let them know they made the blog!

Since they’re out on bail, I’m sure they can’t be too hard to find, nudge, nudge.









Disclaimer: Manolo the Shoeblogger is not Manolo Blahnik
Copyright © 2004-2009; Manolo the Shoeblogger, All Rights Reserved



  • Recent Comments:





  • Teeny Manolo is powered by WordPress

    Disclaimer: Manolo the Shoeblogger is not Mr. Manolo Blahnik. This website is not affiliated in any way with Mr. Manolo Blahnik, any products bearing the federally registered trademarks MANOlO®, BlAHNIK® or MANOlO BlAHNIK®, or any licensee of said federally registered trademarks. The views expressed on this website are solely those of the author.







    Follow Teeny Manolo on Twitter!Teeny Manolo on Facebook

    Editor

    Glinda

    Publisher

    Manolo the Shoeblogger






    Glam Ad

    Categories