Archive - That’s Just Wrong RSS Feed

But what does their milkman look like?

Larry King and the Kingsters

 

Charles and Diana and William and Harry

Sesame Street … CENSORED!

It’s true. The new DVD release of that golden classic of the airwaves (cablewaves, whatever, I’m old, yo) has been held up, smacked on the bottom, and slapped with an R rating, just like the Mickey Rourke in lust (and in Kim Basinger) BDSM flick 9 1/2 weeks.

Well, it’s easy to see why.

Gaze, if you will, upon the singled-out-as-kid-corrupting footage of Alistair Cookie‘s Monsterpiece Theatre production of The 39 Stairs.” Note, if you will, that Alastair holds between his toothless gums a …

pipe.

Pipe, Magritte

In the original, shocking footage, Alistair Cookie not only holds the pipe in his mouth, but chews and swallows it in an orgiastic, addiction-fueled frenzy of obscene enthusiasm. Clearly, children who witness this will be scarred for life, unable to discern the difference between food and drug paraphernalia.

licorice pipes

According to Parente, “That modeled the wrong behavior” — smoking, eating pipes — “so we reshot those scenes without the pipe, and then we dropped the parody altogether.”

Actually, I saw that in the original form and look how I turned out!

Oh, wait…

(Looking for the TeenyManolo Sweepstakes? Go here)

Ho, Ho, Whoa!

Evil Gingerbread Man

Say howdy to the Evil LED Gingerbread Man, just the thing for serving while watching The Nightmare Before Christmas or The Ref or the first three-quarters of The Grinch, or any of the other wholesome, joyful family flicks with which the season is rife. (surely, SURELY there’s an Addams Family Christmas movie? Or were they Jewish?)

This demented confection comes to us (via Craftzine and WeMakeMoneyNotArt) fresh from the twisted confines of the Kitchen Budapest catalog, which offers free, downloadable (but PDF, therefore slooooooow) instructions right here.

The essential rightness of this project cannot be overstated. Right for the times, with its flashy, topical LED illumination and low power consumption; right for the subject matter, too: as with so many children’s tales, upon re-examination, the sweet little poem about the gingerbread man resolves into a cruel tale of frantic futility, nameless depravity, and malevolence the equal of anything spawned from the pen of Aeschylus. Re-read The Gingerbread Man at own risk, TeenyManolo assumes no liability: that gingerdude was/is the kind of protagonist your mother warned you about. Why, just look at that demented grin!

The Gingerbread Man

(Looking for the TeenyManolo Sweepstakes? Go here)

that certain something…

Terror Alert XylophoneSometimes you run across a kid that’s just too…different…for regular toys. Perhaps little Suzie or Freddy like to picket the letter X in the library. Perhaps they enjoy eating plastic toys before rushing off to middle school. Maybe they refuse to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas because of the unmistakable overtones of communism inherent in the cooperative actions taken by the children. These children are not the world’s easiest to buy for, particularly once you’ve worked your way through the full lineup of Nerf products.

BabyBush is here for you.

Feast your eyes upon a product line that includes the red ball counter, kinda like an abacus, but containing only one ball. For the miniature Republican, we have the Terror Alert Xylophone, sure to be sweet music to his/her shell-like ears.

(belated thanks to CelebratingTheAbsurd for the tipoff! I’m way too lazy to find this stuff myself!)

Where is Charles Barkley When You Need Him?

There is a huge trend in rock tees for kids right now.  And hey, I like rock as much as the next girl.  But some of the choices in rock legends leave me scratching my head as to why you would want your child to go around sporting practically life size versions of these “legends” on their chests.

Sid Vicious

Sid Vicious?  Girlfriend-beater, heroin and methadone addict, as well as just sort of a jerk?  Not to mention a questionable bass player at that. Sigh. Just because a shirt has the Union Jack and somebody British does not make it automatically cool, my friends.  

Whitesnake

Really? Whitesnake?  Did Whitesnake even have any hits big enough that someone is willing to pay thirty five bucks for their tee? Who can even name me one of their songs without having to look it up first? They are one of the only bands who are better known for their videos than their actual songs.

AC/DC

We can start the kiddies off with a rousing version of “Big Balls,” move on to “Highway to Hell” and finish with the classic “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” As you can see, AC/DC really cared about teaching kids alliteration.

 

Friday Caption Contest: Baby Matador edition!

Now, this is just not something you see every day (unless you read Shadow of a Bull in school and have flashbacks…or is that just me?).

Michelito Lagravere Peniche, Child Matador

This is Michelito Lagravere Peniche, Matador, and he is nine.

Shadow of a BullThey are not allowed to fight professionally in Spain, but baby-faced bullfighters are the rage throughout Mexico. Even though some of the school-age children appearing at the country’s scores of bullrings are not much taller than the bulls they confront, these mini-matadors have begun getting top billing from promoters, who view them as a new way to bring people to the arena…

What ever happened to baseball? Don’t they have hockey in Mexico? What about volleyball? Charades? Should we send in a NATO nonviolent sports task force? Uh, on second thought, forget hockey.

Turducken: holiday meal of champions

Let no man/woman/child say we are not all about the servicey pieces here at TeenyManolo. In keeping with our untrammelled serviceyness, we would like to present this instructional video on creating that tasty holiday classic, turducken. Boy oh boy, the mouth just waters at the mere thought of this glorious carnivorous feast!

This reminds me of a stuffed camel recipe my mother picked up in Riyadh; it started with a tiny songbird and ended, of course, with a camel. Some people pick up souvenir tees, my mother collected disgusting recipes. Ah, the fond memories I have of making pickled sheep’s eyes (memories of consuming them, somewhat less fond, actually)!

Friday Caption Contest: Goth Faerie edition

Captions in the comments, as per usual. If a picture is worth a thousand words, we humbly request you keep it to less than 300 in this particular case. The kid already has more ink than the bloody library, from the looks of things.

GothBaby Shaylee

This is Shaylee, from the mightily demented KryptKiddies doll company. Right handy in case Marilyn Manson needs to pick up a christening present, but what are the odds, eh?

Page 43 of 49« First...203040«4142434445»...Last »