I’m sorry, but Legos should not be used to cover one’s private parts. In front of a bunch of kids, no less.

That is all.

I have never watched her “reality” show, but I do know that she is a professional stylist (despite some questionable personal ensembles I’ve seen her in) to some big-name stars.

And now I know that I want her to go away.

You see, Rachel Zoe is pregnant, and whoopee for her. I mean that, truly, good for her.

However, her recent suggestions on how to dress to “pregnant per-fect-ion” are obviously from someone who has yet to experience their third trimester.

Responding to a reader-submitted question for style ideas while pregnant, Zoe replies:

As opposed to former generations, we are fortunate to live in a fashion-forward age that accommodates to style for every body, size and situation—pregnancy included. For example, both 1. 7 For All Mankind and 2. J Brand make maternity jeans (praise the denim gods!), which are a flawless starting point for a prego-chic look.

Other free form bottoms that are perfect for pregnancy are 3. leggings and 4. maxi skirts or full length dresses. Take your pick of the three styles and then you’re ready to tackle the waist up! For tops, I recommend 5. long tunics, 6. flowy blouses and 7. ponchos to flatter your mom-to-be figure.

Shifting focus to footwear—my fave!—you can stay stylish yet at ease in a pair of 8. wedges or 9. flats. Create any combination from each category—bottoms, tops and shoes—and you will be pregnant per-fec-tion! xoRZ

P.S. One last thing! Don’t forget to complete your modern maternity look by accessorizing with a big tote bag and a pair of do-not-disturb oversized sunnies to hide fatigue!

A poncho? Did I read that correctly? Has Ms. Zoe not read the Manolo’s “No Poncho Pledge?”  Not only does she recommend a friggin’ poncho, it just so happens to be a four hundred dollar poncho!  So you too can pay a fortune to look like a large, misshapen lump!  I mean, even more than you already do!

And the wedges she wants you to wear? Five inches on those suckers, at a cost of two hundred dollars.  So that everyone can admire your great taste in shoes as you fall on your ass and land with your feet in the air due to your center of gravity being completely off.

Then she wants us to wear sunglasses to “hide fatigue.” What? Does she not know that pregnant women should wear their fatigue proudly?  That the very fatigue she wants to so desperately hide is exactly what compels your guilty-feeling husband to give you back and foot massages every day?  Don’t hide the fatigue ladies, flaunt it!

The rest of her advice is very generic, and I can’t believe she gets paid to tell pregnant women they should wear tunics, flowy blouses, and maxi-dresses.  Like this is some sort of earth-shattering new fashion advice.

And listen, anyone who calls sunglasses “sunnies” is someone with whom I will never be friends.

Do I think it is a good idea for my children to learn another language? Emphatically, yes. I, along with almost every other parent I know, do not wish to see my child crushed in whatever future global competitive job market that is coming.  An acquaintance of mine has a child that is tri-lingual, speaking English, Arabic, and Spanish.  This, of course, makes me  feel anxiety that my kids are going to be left in the multi-cultural dust.

And that is why toy manufacturers have jumped on the bilingual bandwagon with toys like this, this and of course, this.

Of course you can buy them just for simple exposure to another language (and by extension, another culture), but if you are truly looking to teach your child another language, don’t fool yourself that these will do the trick. 

You might be better off getting some flashcards, but I would recommend a) having someone fluent in the language speak to your child on a regular basis or failing that, b) classes.  If your child is a bit older, something like this will probably do the trick, as second language courses in public elementary/middle schools have already gone the way of the dodo due to budget cuts, if they were ever there to begin with.

Let’s face it, your child is not going to become fluent in Spanish just because she presses a few buttons once or twice a day that sing “rojo” and “verde.” Trust me on this one.

Sweet Jesus in a can.

That is some f’ed up parenting.

Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with political affiliation.  If it had been Hilary Rodham Clinton’s mother, I would be saying the exact same thing.

First of all, I’m not sure why you would keep your miscarried fetus to take to the hospital. I had a miscarriage in 2007 at about seven weeks, and the last thing I would have wanted to do was to keep the fetus.  Had it not had enough trauma already without me sticking it in a jar and transporting it to the doctor’s?  For what?  Obviously, nothing could be done to save it, so what exactly would be the point? To have some kind of autopsy done?  To dispose of it? I don’t get it. Having a miscarriage was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me, so no need to keep a reminder on the mantle, ya know?

OK, upon further thought, I can possibly see taking the fetus to the hospital for them to dispose of it.  However, I did not have the stomach to deal with the remains, much less the presence of mind to place it somewhere for safe keeping.  And not to be disrespectful, but if you see the fetus as your child, surely you realize the hospital is not going to dispose of it in a loving, caring way.  All right, enough about that.

Right after a miscarriage, you are mentally in a shitty place, there is no doubt.  But what she did? Just wrong on so many levels.  That is where your husband/partner needs to come in and quietly slip you some meds if you are thinking that showing the fetus to young family members is a good idea.

Second, why would you traumatize your child by showing a fetus to them? Even if, like George Bush, the child was a teenager, there is just no excuse to burden your child with your pain like that.  I made a absolute point of never crying in front of my son or acting depressed in any way.  He was four.  It was my problem to deal with, not his.  That is why you are an adult, so that you can supposedly make decisions to shield your children from shit they have no business needing to know about.  If my son had been a teen, I would probably have told him about the miscarriage, but I sure as hell am not going to burn an image of a dead fetus that was his sibling onto his brain.

That is freaking all.

Forget your teen journal, where you scribbled away late at night before bedtime.

Some of the worst writing ever is to be found in children’s books.

I’m not exactly sure how these verses ever got past an editor, but it seems that even the most tortured of rhymes and the most illogical of scenarios are allowable if the only people reading them are kids.

Except, they aren’t, because the adults usually have to read the books aloud first, all in the name of promoting literature.

Take, for example, a book that belonged to the Munchkin, and has survived to be experienced by his sister. I abhor reading this book, but because it has such excellent touch-and-feel elements, I grit my teeth and try to make the best of a bad situation.

Here are some of my least favorite sections:

When Violet’s in her jammies and she’s ready for her bed.
She curls under a warm, soft quilt, a pillow for her head.

I ask you, how in the world can it be a pillow for her head if she is under the freaking thing?  It bugs me every time.

Come into Violet’s living room and touch her big round chair!
The curtains, blown in the summer’s wind, are smooth like Violet’s hair.

The author really had to stretch to make that one fit the meter. Awkward.

Or how about this one from another book, which is also visually very fascinating, so I had to keep it. But oy, the wording!

“Cluck, cluck, cluck,” says mother hen, “save some food for me.”
“Of course I will,” says Freddie, “If you lay an egg for my tea.”

Oh great, so extortion is now what they’re teaching kids these days, eh? Nice to know.

This book is an always-popular lift-the-flap, but the person who wrote it (the same author as the first mind-numbing book above) must have sat there for weeks trying to reconcile this next verse, and she doesn’t even really succeed.

The desert sand is dry and white.
But elephants? Nowhere in sight!
A cactus shades a brown lizard,
An armadillo, coyotes, little birds.

I cringe every time I have to mangle the word “lizard” to make it even close.

Listen, I know not everyone can be a Theodore Geisel, but can the publishing world be a bit more discriminating?  Please?

Think of the children!

I’m going to direct your attention over there. 

You know, a diatribe against this woman is just too easy, isn’t it?  I mean, there is nothing about what she is doing to her daughter that is healthy or redeeming in any way.

Mothers are guilty of passing on body issues even without really realizing what they are doing. 

This woman has just thrown all pretense out the door and said, screw it, I’m fat and I don’t want my kid to be fat.

But as Jezebel points out, doesn’t that speak just as much to society’s treatment of fat people that she would go to such extreme measures?

Discuss.

Although, Mother of the Year? Yeah, so not her.

I’m going to call it right here.

Any parent who buys their child a $15,000 gingerbread house (that will essentially start to decompose in a matter of days) as a Christmas present needs to turn in their parenting license ASAP.

Don’t things like this make you wish there were such things as parenting licenses?

He looks a whole lot beefier in doll form, doesn’t he?

Teen idols are NOT supposed to have doll versions of themselves just in time for the holidays.

They just aren’t.

If you are at an age where you are still playing with Barbies, then I’m not sure you should know exactly who Justin Bieber is or desire a plastic facsimile of him.

Because we all know the “experiments” done with dolls, and nothing good ever comes of those.

And if you are at an age when you are no longer playing with Barbies, then you owning the plastic version of the object of your affection is all sorts of wrong in more ways than I can count.

Although I do have to say they seem to have gotten the blank stare just right.

When Biebers attack!