At first I thought, well, this is completely unnecessary. And then I thought, but wait, there are some really, really dumb people in this world. But then I thought, well, how many of them can read anyway?

And then I realized that journalists are paid by the word, not by the nugget of eternal wisdom, and it all made sense.

An article on how to read to your child. To be fair, it does come from Florida.

For what it’s worth, and for those who can’t be bothered to mouth their ways through the entire article, here is a quick summary:

1. Use funny voices. Hey, it made Peter Sellers a star, how hard can it be?
2. Read more than one book [editorial TeenyManolo note: this requires having more than one book in the first place]
3. Make a game of it. Presumably because straight-up reading books is hard, yo.
4. Read picture books to young children, and books with big words or maybe only black-and-white pictures to older children, who presumably are too brainwashed to fight back.

[editorial license may or may not have been taken in the above summary. Your mileage may vary. Use at own risk. TeenyManolo will not be responsible for literacy ensuing from use of the above tips]

You know, I always wondered what was in there. Between this and the scary carnies, I can see where Carnival of Souls came from.

As GoFugYourself put it:

She has poked her legs through a child’s amusement-park dream and put it RIGHT where you’d find the ticket booth to her Adults Only ride.

And some innocent childhood delights will never be the same.

Let’s just say some unexpected technical difficulties have entered my life recently, inspiring today’s post. Captions in the comments, as per usual.

I mean, seriously. It’s no wonder we children of the 80′s turned out a little warped!

Indeed, our twisted icons of childhood (oh, you can keep your Baba Yaga’s, your The Counts, and what is it about Eastern Europeans and creepy fairy tales anyway, Molly Whuppie was plenty gross and she was English, but you never hear about that do you, oh no, it’s a conspiracy I say, now where was I?) strongly influence the way we turn out and, in turn, how we influence the world. Which, if nothing else, explains raincoaster.

One can only wonder at how the multifarious marvel that was PeeWee’s Playhouse has writ its legacy on our fragile planet. Wonder…and troll eBay and Amazon for one’s tattered tribal totems:

Yeah, somehow I think that would work, tea or no tea. For once, nobody doubts that she actually DID lose the weight fast.

Well has the eloquent Glinda pointed out the sheer wrongitude of allowing (or, Cthulhu forbid, encouraging) your pre- or barely-pubescent daughter to dress up like some sort of novelty escort on Halloween. Truly, if a courtesan would charge extra for the outfit, it’s not something that should sully a child’s wardrobe or reputation.

Apart from placing one’s foot with unnecessary firmness upon the ground and refusing to buy the “Sienna Miller in St. Tropez” outfit, there are other ways to strike back at a costume industry that seems intent on pandering to the demands of those who routinely use the service of panderers, rather than to the more appropriate requests of concerned parents.

Like this:

If you’re a parent it is presumable, although not biologically required, that you are over the age of consent. If you are over the age of consent, you’re allowed to dress as trashily as you like, yea, even unto the realms inhabited by Paris Hilton, Katie Price, Tara Reid, and other assorted human Bratz dolls.

Do this instead:

From Airchinapilot’s Photobooth at Parade of Lost Souls

If you can’t give up on the urge to shock people, rest assured this may still be achieved while maintaining one’s modesty. The Brits have done transvestitism to death, but what about dressing up as adorable little children?

Say, these ones?

I want you to think back to the original animated Disney movie, Peter Pan.

Who doesn’t love them some Peter Pan? Er, in a purely platonic way, I mean. The characters of Peter, Wendy, Hook, Smee, Tinkerbell, and hell, even the crocodile are perfect and I wouldn’t change a single frame.

But today I got a letter from Disney stating that because the Disney Fairies have become a huge marketing juggernaut for them (uh, my words, not theirs) a movie is coming out in which Tinkerbell speaks.

Ack!

I don’t want Tinkerbell to speak! I want to stay cozily wrapped up in my dusty old cocoon of nostalgia of Tinkerbell communicating only with the sound of chiming, tinkling bells. There will be no beautiful butterfly! This caterpillar wants to stay a caterpillar, completely ignorant of what Tinkerbell’s voice sounds like.

There are just no mysteries left for kids anymore, are there?

Even worse? This is a straight-to-DVD release. Tinkerbell’s voice doesn’t even get its own movie premiere.

Somewhere, the Lost Boys are weeping.

If you are like me, you haven’t yet bought your candy for fear that you might eat a goodly portion of it before Friday night. So, you have no excuses! Do not be one of “those houses!”

And we ALL know who they are.

Raisins
If you have a health agenda, let me give you a heads up by saying that Halloween night is not the right time to push it on the neighborhood kids. Otherwise, they might get an agenda of their own that involves massive amounts of toilet paper.

Fruit-flavored hard candies/Butterscotch hard candies
Does anybody like these? Did they ever? Why are they still being made? I don’t know anyone that likes this stuff other than elderly people. Certainly no six year olds I’ve ever come into contact with.

Jawbreakers
Jawbreakers fall into the same category as the candies above, but with even less flavor and the potential for dental harm. There simply is no payoff here.

Red Hots
These are, at best, breath-fresheners, not real candy.

Necco Wafers
Perhaps at one time back in the day when processed sugar was a luxury, these were considered good. Times change, and nowadays sidewalk chalk probably tastes better.

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