I was born, raised, and still live in Southern California.  Yeah, I’m one of those people, wanna make something of it? I have never lived further than a half hour from the beach.  In high school, my friends and I practically lived at the beach during the summer.

And do you know what I’ve never seen in my life until today?

People in heels on the damn beach.

Leave it to Katie Holmes to blaze that trail.

I’ve kept my mouth shut on all the things that have kept her and Suri in the press, from midnight dinners to clutching X-rated candies.  Not a word from me. 

Let Suri take her shoes off, for the love of all that is holy.  She is at the BEACH.  It was not at all hot in Southern California this weekend, so there will be no theorizing that the sand was too hot to go shoeless.  That and all the other people in the picture have no shoes. 

One of the pleasures of going to the beach is the tactile feeling of walking on sand.  Feeling it beneath and between your toes, noting how it changes texture and temperature as you get closer to the water. 

I don’t care if they were at a party in a house prior to walking down the steps onto the beach.  That is where the parent is supposed to say, “Hey honey, let’s go walk on the beach!  Take off your shoes and let’s go!” Not “Yes, let us keep our fancy schmancy shoes on in the sand where the heels will sink in and we will get sand in our shoes, which is actually pretty uncomfortable and not much fun at all.”

Sheesh.

Or maybe crazily rich people don’t allow their, or their children’s, feet to touch something as common as sand.

So there is this little tumblr creatively entitled Walk.

The entire premise of the blog is to show “how funny big kids look in little strollers.” Or at least that is what the (childless, natch) authors claimed when called out on Jezebel for being ah, a bit judgemental about parents who choose to place “big” kids in strollers.

I’m calling foul on this for a couple of reasons.

1) Don’t care if you are childless and having fun, somewhere there is a commandment that says “Judge not, lest ye find yourselves walking miles at Disneyland in their Nikes.”  Or something like that.

2) Did we mention that many of these pictures were taken at Disneyland?  Dude, when it comes to kids and walking around ALL BETS ARE OFF AT ANY DISNEY PROPERTY.  Period.

3) There are kids who look a lot older than they are.  Take my friend’s five year old daughter.  She is almost as tall as my eight year old, and often has people expecting her to act a certain way based solely on her height.  There’s also a commandment relating to books and covers.

4) The authors claim that they carefully “screen” their victims candidates for disabilties, by you, know, looking at them. Because we all know how easy it is to recognize a disability just by looking at someone.

I think what saddens me the most is that they have over a thousand likes on Facebook. 

Hide behind the all in good fun excuse all you like, but I think this is just plain mean.

You might have noticed a distinct lack of Teeny Poll last week, and that was because last Sunday night found me frantically trying to fight a virus that my dear husband allowed into our computer.   Thanks hon!  Three hours of my life I can never get back.

I went totally personal on the last poll, and most of you (44%) suggested semi-formal, no matching for our upcoming family photo.  I’m thinking you guys are right.  We will have to ponder exactly how we are going to carry it out, but hopefully it will turn out not looking too cluttered.

Today I want to talk about summer camps.  The Munchkin is into science, computers, and robotics and the like.  I found a great-looking robotics camp done through a local university.  I was really excited about it, until I clicked through to find the price tag.  For six hours a day, they wanted me to fork over $800!  I about fell off my chair.  That doesn’t even include lunch!  I’ve looked at quite a few others, and it seems that if you want to do something even semi-interesting, it is going to cost you big bucks. However, maybe I’m being unreasonable?

Dear Daughter,

I bought you an outfit that I thought would look cute.

It was a three piece Calvin Klein, with jeans, a shirt, and a soft, furry vest.

I squealed upon seeing the furry vest, as it seems I have a weakness for children wearing fuzzy things.  Your grandmother had bought you a different outfit with a similar vest, and people could not get enough of you in it.

So the other night when we went to the baseball game, I thought the weather was perfect for your CK ensemble, as you’d never worn it before.  It was the perfect combination of semi-warm but not too warm, and I lovingly tucked your jeans into your adorable furry little boots that matched your vest perfectly.

I thought nothing of your outfit until I saw you walking with your dad about twenty feet away from me.  That distance gave me an entirely new perspective.

Your jeans had detailing on the back pockets I hadn’t noticed before, which made me uncomfortable. And they definitely qualified as “skinny” jeans. The vest looked chic, but a little too grownup for an 18 month old.  And the worst was your boots, which looked more like Uggs than anything else.  Good lord, they weren’t supposed to look like Uggs! How did I not see the resemblance? 

And Calvin Klein? What the hell was I thinking?  They are the ones who famously stood between a teen Brooke Shields and er, nothing. 

I solemnly promise on my Complete Works of Shakespeare never to dress you like a college sorority girl again.

Until maybe you are one, but that’s at least a good eighteen years away.

Love,

Mom

Seriously?

We have now regressed to the point where in order for a child to help out in the kitchen, they must stand on a freaking “safety tower?”

I have never even heard of a child falling off a simple step stool, but here is the Baby Industrial Complex, ready to play on every fear!  What if little Johnny falls backwards while he is washing his hands?  No, that will NOT do!  He must be completely encased in a wooden tower from which there is zero chance his precious head will ever touch the floor!  The horror of even thinking about it is giving me the vapors!

Listen, parents need to buck up and realize that falling off a step stool is a character-building event.   If by some chance a toddler falls off a step stool because they were goofing around or reaching for a knife and became off balance, then a bump on the noggin is a valuable teaching tool!  Next time, they will be more careful, mark my words.  Balance, it is an important life skill.

I’ve got a pretty big kitchen, but having this sticking out in the middle of it while I’m trying to cook would drive me batty.  And what about people who don’t have room for such a thing in their kitchen?  Apparently only people with large kitchens deserve to have their children stay safe.   Too bad for you, small kitchen people!  No accident-preventing wooden towers for your kids!

I read the reviews on this product, and some buyers praised it because their kids also used it as a “puppet theater” or a “fort” or even a “pulpit.” Yeah, well, if I’ve paid a hundred and fifty bucks for the damn thing, it had better deliver a sermon for me every Sunday.

And I don’t want to hear from anybody about how useful it might be for kids with disabilities.  That is a given. 

But we are mostly talking about regular kids, the kind for whom a little fall once in a while can be a good thing.

Seriously.

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I am usually the first one to defend police, as I’ve got policemen in my immediate family.

Hi-ever.

I’m trying to think why they thought using pepper spray on an 8 year old boy was appropriate.

The only thing I can think of is that they didn’t want to try to physically restrain him due to potential lawsuits, so they went down the dubious pepper spray road.

I’m also wondering if this child has been tested for possible disabilities? Supposedly he is in therapy, so the answer should be yes. Right?

In the video, I first thought that the police spokesperson was the lawyer for the boy’s family, and I thought he was being sarcastic when he mentioned they were “in fear of this 8 year old boy” or whatever similar sentence he said that I’m too lazy to go back and double check.

I’m just feeling like it is alternate universe day, for some reason.

I’m sorry, but Legos should not be used to cover one’s private parts. In front of a bunch of kids, no less.

That is all.

I have never watched her “reality” show, but I do know that she is a professional stylist (despite some questionable personal ensembles I’ve seen her in) to some big-name stars.

And now I know that I want her to go away.

You see, Rachel Zoe is pregnant, and whoopee for her. I mean that, truly, good for her.

However, her recent suggestions on how to dress to “pregnant per-fect-ion” are obviously from someone who has yet to experience their third trimester.

Responding to a reader-submitted question for style ideas while pregnant, Zoe replies:

As opposed to former generations, we are fortunate to live in a fashion-forward age that accommodates to style for every body, size and situation—pregnancy included. For example, both 1. 7 For All Mankind and 2. J Brand make maternity jeans (praise the denim gods!), which are a flawless starting point for a prego-chic look.

Other free form bottoms that are perfect for pregnancy are 3. leggings and 4. maxi skirts or full length dresses. Take your pick of the three styles and then you’re ready to tackle the waist up! For tops, I recommend 5. long tunics, 6. flowy blouses and 7. ponchos to flatter your mom-to-be figure.

Shifting focus to footwear—my fave!—you can stay stylish yet at ease in a pair of 8. wedges or 9. flats. Create any combination from each category—bottoms, tops and shoes—and you will be pregnant per-fec-tion! xoRZ

P.S. One last thing! Don’t forget to complete your modern maternity look by accessorizing with a big tote bag and a pair of do-not-disturb oversized sunnies to hide fatigue!

A poncho? Did I read that correctly? Has Ms. Zoe not read the Manolo’s “No Poncho Pledge?”  Not only does she recommend a friggin’ poncho, it just so happens to be a four hundred dollar poncho!  So you too can pay a fortune to look like a large, misshapen lump!  I mean, even more than you already do!

And the wedges she wants you to wear? Five inches on those suckers, at a cost of two hundred dollars.  So that everyone can admire your great taste in shoes as you fall on your ass and land with your feet in the air due to your center of gravity being completely off.

Then she wants us to wear sunglasses to “hide fatigue.” What? Does she not know that pregnant women should wear their fatigue proudly?  That the very fatigue she wants to so desperately hide is exactly what compels your guilty-feeling husband to give you back and foot massages every day?  Don’t hide the fatigue ladies, flaunt it!

The rest of her advice is very generic, and I can’t believe she gets paid to tell pregnant women they should wear tunics, flowy blouses, and maxi-dresses.  Like this is some sort of earth-shattering new fashion advice.

And listen, anyone who calls sunglasses “sunnies” is someone with whom I will never be friends.