Here is some charming video of beautful little baby girl, laughing and having fun. Creeeeeeeeeeepy.
73,000 views! She’s a star! I’d put her in the same wholesomely twisted category as Christina Ricci as Wednesday Addams, Winona Ryder as Lydia, the freaky Goth in Beetlejuice, and every female character in an Edward Gorey story.
Hey, the man has some experience. Here, he shows newbies Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson how to prepare for the arrival of their new baby.
Let’s list those tips, for those who can’t play the YouTube (and without access to YouTube, how do you expect to raise a happy child? Eh? Honestly!).
Anyone that knows me knows that Glinda does not do camping. Not that I have anything against people that do. I am sure there are some very enjoyable things about it. I just never really intend to find out.
Of course, as luck would have it, I had a son. A son, it turns out, who thinks camping is the Best. Thing. Ever. Granted he’s only done it once so far, but he is simply enamored of the entire concept. From sleeping in a tent, to the campfire, to peeing on a tree, he’s all over it.
The idea of camping just makes me shudder. The bugs! The lack of showering facilities! The non-bed aspect! I just can’t wrap my mind around why someone would want to actually do that and yet call it a vacation.
Luckily for the Munchkin, his father has camped many times (before we started dating, anyway) and thinks it is a nice family bonding time. Unfortunately, he thinks that family bonding time should include me as well. Not a month goes by that he tries to guilt trip me into going with them, labeling me a bad mommy who won’t share in her son’s interests.
Listen, Glinda likes nature. She has absolutely nothing against nature at all. She just prefers to experience it from a balcony while sipping her tea, wrapped up in a comfy robe.
Is that so wrong?
I’m relatively sure we’ve already used that headline (and will again, no doubt) but what else can you call a blog post about stripper heels for babies?
Yes, she said Stripper Heels For Babies.
heežlaržižous [he-lair-ee-uhs] - noun:
extremely funny, completely soft, fully functional
high heel crib shoes for babies.
Not intended for walking (heel will collapse with weight).
Not intended to harm children in any way.
WARNING: May cause extreme smiling and hysterical laughter when in use (this is completely normal).
You know what? No, it’s not. Not normal, unless your last name is Spears, and if this doesn’t physically hurt your child, imagine the tsunamis of psychological damage these babies can cause, if not now then in junior high when Stan’s basketball team get ahold of his baby book.
Just. No. What is this? “Baby needs a new pair of CFMP’s?”
via Dlisted and Crunk&Disorderly
Or this suit, either.
Even though Sir Bob Geldof is you know, a knight, a champion of African relief, a talented musician, and adopted Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily when her parents Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates passed away, he looks like a cross between a pimp and the Johhny Depp version of Willy Wonka.
Bob, we love you, but I’m not sure we’ll be seeing you in the Celebrity Dad Faceoff anytime soon.
And does not Heavenly look so very much like her late father?
Ah, the ubiquitous and well-beloved gumball machine. A sight to warm the cockles of any heart, no matter how wizened and dried. Who among us cannot confess to (even now) covertly scoping out the offerings, searching in vain for that five cent jellybean motherload. But as the ancients knew, the only constant is change, and change, my friend, has come to the gumball machine. Not only are prizes segregated now, removing the delightful thrill of actual gambling and completely slaughtering the grey market in traded prizes, but the prizes themselves have changed.
If only they’d had this a generation ago! Legions of now-regretful inked-up former hipsters could have gotten the urge to impersonate Cher out of their systems before puberty (or toilet training, for the either truly precocious or truly slow).
They grow up so fast!
But in keeping with my French numbering, just pronounce it “seees,” ok?
For this special edition of the Lazy Parenting AwardsTM we just might have what I would call the Grand Prize Winner.
Forget about not hiring a babysitter and taking your kids to an inappropriate movie.
That is totally tame stuff compared to this lady.
How’s about taking your kids with you on your latest drug deal?
That’s right, Enedina Rodriguez was arrested when:
Investigators followed Rodriguez and saw her repeatedly make deals with her 3- and 6-year-old boys in tow. In one surveillance video, Rodriguez is seen selling heroin as her two youngest boys lean out of the window of her black Isuzu SUV.
The youngest boy tells one customer his name and holds up three fingers to show his age at his mother’s prompting, then watches as his mother hands over a bag of heroin in exchange for cash, LeBaron said.
It says a lot when you make the Mary Louise Parker character on Weeds look like a freaking saint.
The Ladybird Book of the Policeman in the new, UPDATED version is not exactly your everyday children’s reference book, unless you just happen to live in the Twilight Zone.
From the same series of updated classics as How it Works: Surfing for Porn, My First Joint, and People At Work: The Benefit Cheat, it’s aimed at very young children. Well, let me be more specific: it’s aimed at very young children who are, or would like to become, seriously twisted. Put it on the shelf between your collected works of Samuel Beckett and your back copies of McSweeney’s.
via NagOnTheLake and TransBuddha
I don’t remember the mountain expedition part (was that down past Mr. Hooper’s store?) but this was too good to miss. More in the continuing moral decline of the once-innocent Cookie Monster.
From SeeMikeDraw
