If, like me, you and your family are not fanatics for football, don’t fret; there are other Tivo-worthy sporting events today. Foremost among these is AnimalPlanet’s renowned and highly competitive Puppy Bowl. See the opening lineup here on Defamer, and see all the puppy cam you can stand below:

If your favorite team’s season went to the dogs this year, Animal Planet has some new recruits that are ready for their chance to conquer the pigskin—or a chew toy—in PUPPY BOWL V. The yearly canine competition is back as a new cast of pups takes the field for another year of dogged defense, puppy penalties and fido first downs. The action takes place on the grand gridiron of Animal Planet Stadium, where an all-star, all- “adoptable” lineup of rambunctious pups is ready to compete in the ultimate puppy showdown.

To kick start this year’s sports extravaganza is “Pepper the Parrot,” singing a unique rendition of the National Anthem. This year, every puppy featured in PUPPY BOWL V is recruited from a local shelter, so these pooches are free agents looking for a good home.

Plus, while the big guys are listening to “The Boss” at halftime, PUPPY BOWL has once again enlisted the help of some frisky kittens for an all-new edition of the KITTY HALF-TIME SHOW. Make your fantasy picks now and come online during the big game to vote for MVP (Most Valuable Puppy). PUPPY BOWL V premieres Sunday, February 1, from 3-5 PM (ET/PT).

Shhhh, it’s me, Glinda.

And even though the lovely raincoaster asked me to take over the caption contest for today, I just feel sort of wrong. You know, like the wrong when you go looking through your friend’s medicine cabinet. Fascinated, but yet dreading what might happen. I doubt I’ll find anything incriminating. Right?

As odd as it feels, I must do my duty for all you caption contest fanatics.

So I present you with Matthew Broderick! On a scooter! With a helmet! And uh, accessories!

Come on, I know you’ve got it in you…

Angry and upset that their children cannot hit a baseball thrown by a fellow nine year old, parents forfeit the game and leave him standing on the mound, looking at an empty home plate.

Is this a scene edited out of The Incredibles?

No, it happened in the Newhaven, Conneticut Little League! Just last week!

Because Jericho Scott is so talented, they want his team to disband and be redistributed among the other teams.  Except for, I’m assuming, poor Jericho.

I don’t know what makes me feel worse about this story.  Is it that Jericho is essentially being punished for excelling at pitching?  Or that the parents from the other teams chose to impart a very harsh lesson upon a child, even though they claim it was the safety of their own children at stake? It’s a toss-up, really.

Although Jericho has never hit anyone, his top spitching peed of 40mph made some parents nervous.  I get that, I really do.  But is he not supposed to pitch to the best of his ability? 

Or is it really a case of Jericho being just too good?

Do little Danny’s parents get upset because his team gets shut out every time they play against Jericho’s team?  Is Danny depressed because he is not yet good enough to hit pitching of Jericho’s caliber?

Oh well.

Get used to it, young Danny.

It’s about time parents got their heads out of their collective derrieres and taught their children that they will not always be the best at something.  That even though there is someone better than them (and trust me, 99% of the time, there will always be someone better than them at something) it doesn’t mean they can’t try hard and do their own personal best.

And even if their own personal best doesn’t get a home run, or even a single, that it is ok.  The earth will not spin off its axis.  It just means that you put your head down and try harder next time.

Nobody likes to lose.

But learning how to lose, and how to be a gracious loser, is one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids.

I would not be surprised if soon young Jericho is forced to relocate to another city, change his name, and become an insurance salesman.

Just so everyone else can feel better about themselves.

Thanks to Dr. Nic for the story idea! 

You’ve all heard of Dara Torres. There is no way you could not have heard about her. You know, the 41 year old Olympic swimmer and mother of a two year old, who is shattering stereotypes and breaking records everywhere she goes.

Well, I’m tired of hearing about her inspirational story. You know, the one where she has worked hard, sacrificed much, and stared adversity in the face until it gave up and sulked in the corner where it belonged.

I want to like her, I really do. She’s intelligent and articulate. She seems like she would be a fun person to hang out with.

But she’s making slacker moms like me look bad.

My husband is suddenly wondering why he has to take out the trash, because obviously women have the strength for such tasks. He’s also questioning my dreams and ambitions, which are limited to folding all the laundry and becoming the kindergarten room mother. The laundry dream has yet to be achieved, and I’m still in training for the room mother position.

Yes, my strategy of keeping everyone’s expectations low has worked suprisingly well so far. That way when I actually do something, it looks like I have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

But noooooo.

Dara had to come into town. Bringing her cute smile and six-pack abs with her. Oh, and that annoying work ethic.

Yes, Dara, just please go ahead and win your medals. Prove to everyone that motherhood and aging are no match against a woman of perseverance and talent.

Then maybe my husband will forget about you, and I can go back to looking impressive when I weed the entire front yard.

In one week.

The Olympics never fail to make me cry. There is just something so grand, so wonderful, so inspiring about it that every darn opening ceremony will force me to bring out the hankie. Sentimental much, Glinda?

Sports can be a great way to let your child learn the values of discipline and commitment, while at the same time allowing them to test their physical limits and abiliites. Let your child experiment with different sports, even the more obscure or less popular ones here in the United States. Why have them compete against millions of other kids in the most popular sports?  Go for the ones that nobody plays and they have a much better shot at standing out. Who knows, there may be a gold medal in your future. And hey, it may be in archery, but a gold medal is a gold medal, baby.

Babolat junior Roddick 125 Tennis Racquet One of the best raquets, but pint-sized and with a price tag to match. Only a bit more expensive than other rackets, but you get a better raquet.

Sock’em Boppers I’m not sure that boxing is a sport for young kids, but they can sort of get the feel for it with these.

Bouncer Now why did I not know that the trampoline was an Olympic event? Well, it is, and we all know that kids LOVE to bounce.

Badminton Set A bit challenging for wee ones, but badminton can actually be a lot of fun! If you’re playing with the right crowd, of course.

Monkey Business Surefire Compound Bow I admit that this is a compound bow which looks a bit intimidating, but shooting foam arrows is fun no matter how it’s done.

Table Tennis Set Don’t want to spend all that money for a big official table? Use this set to turn any table into a table tennis court!

Practice Fencing Foil The USA Women’s Team just swept all three medals in fencing, so why not enroll your child in a class and try it out? I know quite a few people who have fenced and greatly enjoyed it, and you can buy a child-sized blade for this foil.

From Mirriam-Webster:

Main Entry: land·slide
Pronunciation: \ˈlan(d)-ˌslīd\
Function: noun
Date: 1838
1: the usually rapid downward movement of a mass of rock, earth, or artificial fill on a slope; also : the mass that moves down
2 a: a great majority of votes for one side b: an overwhelming victory

I’m guessing you already know that I am not referring to definition number 1 when I say that Viggo Mortensen won over Jon Bon Jovi by a landslide. Out of a record 429 votes, Viggo came out on top with ninety-one percent of the vote. That, my friends, is practically an avalanche.

So, who best to challenge the reigning king, with his vast legions of loyal fans?

Why not the king of the waves?

vs.

Betcha didn’t know the words for “Stage Mother” are the same in Japanese.

A picture of someone who DID show up for her shift

I’ve got to call this one for the coach.

Here’s the scoop: Jodie Hooper, mom of a 7-year-old Little Leaguer, promised to work in the concession stand, as all LL parents must do at least once in that league. She bailed, without finding a replacement.

Her son is benched for two games.

“We are not here to have kids sit benches. We want kids to be playing, but we need people to help us out,” Brouillette said.

About 370 kids play at the field. The fields are run almost exclusively by volunteers. Each parent is expected to help out at least one night.

“Is it fair if you know about it in advance and you are told? It’s one of the rules, otherwise we wouldn’t have concession stands,” parent Rebecca Diaz said…

Hooper said that she had things to do at work and that is why she could not work the stand…

“It’s a tough rule to have to enforce, because everybody has things to do,” League President Dave Brouillette said.

Yes, yes we do.

By now you all know what a hardass I am; it’s impossible to bench or otherwise punish a mother, grownups are supposed to be responsible for their commitments, the kid will get over it, he WILL be ashamed of his mother, this is a good thing. If Mommy is so indispensable at work, Mommy can damn well hire a teenager to take her place.

Thoughts?