Teeny Manolo

You’ve all heard of Dara Torres. There is no way you could not have heard about her. You know, the 41 year old Olympic swimmer and mother of a two year old, who is shattering stereotypes and breaking records everywhere she goes.

Well, I’m tired of hearing about her inspirational story. You know, the one where she has worked hard, sacrificed much, and stared adversity in the face until it gave up and sulked in the corner where it belonged.

I want to like her, I really do. She’s intelligent and articulate. She seems like she would be a fun person to hang out with.

But she’s making slacker moms like me look bad.

My husband is suddenly wondering why he has to take out the trash, because obviously women have the strength for such tasks. He’s also questioning my dreams and ambitions, which are limited to folding all the laundry and becoming the kindergarten room mother. The laundry dream has yet to be achieved, and I’m still in training for the room mother position.

Yes, my strategy of keeping everyone’s expectations low has worked suprisingly well so far. That way when I actually do something, it looks like I have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

But noooooo.

Dara had to come into town. Bringing her cute smile and six-pack abs with her. Oh, and that annoying work ethic.

Yes, Dara, just please go ahead and win your medals. Prove to everyone that motherhood and aging are no match against a woman of perseverance and talent.

Then maybe my husband will forget about you, and I can go back to looking impressive when I weed the entire front yard.

In one week.

The Olympics never fail to make me cry. There is just something so grand, so wonderful, so inspiring about it that every darn opening ceremony will force me to bring out the hankie. Sentimental much, Glinda?

Sports can be a great way to let your child learn the values of discipline and commitment, while at the same time allowing them to test their physical limits and abiliites. Let your child experiment with different sports, even the more obscure or less popular ones here in the United States. Why have them compete against millions of other kids in the most popular sports?  Go for the ones that nobody plays and they have a much better shot at standing out. Who knows, there may be a gold medal in your future. And hey, it may be in archery, but a gold medal is a gold medal, baby.

Babolat junior Roddick 125 Tennis Racquet One of the best raquets, but pint-sized and with a price tag to match. Only a bit more expensive than other rackets, but you get a better raquet.

Sock’em Boppers I’m not sure that boxing is a sport for young kids, but they can sort of get the feel for it with these.

Bouncer Now why did I not know that the trampoline was an Olympic event? Well, it is, and we all know that kids LOVE to bounce.

Badminton Set A bit challenging for wee ones, but badminton can actually be a lot of fun! If you’re playing with the right crowd, of course.

Monkey Business Surefire Compound Bow I admit that this is a compound bow which looks a bit intimidating, but shooting foam arrows is fun no matter how it’s done.

Table Tennis Set Don’t want to spend all that money for a big official table? Use this set to turn any table into a table tennis court!

Practice Fencing Foil The USA Women’s Team just swept all three medals in fencing, so why not enroll your child in a class and try it out? I know quite a few people who have fenced and greatly enjoyed it, and you can buy a child-sized blade for this foil.

From Mirriam-Webster:

Main Entry: land·slide
Pronunciation: \ˈlan(d)-ˌslīd\
Function: noun
Date: 1838
1: the usually rapid downward movement of a mass of rock, earth, or artificial fill on a slope; also : the mass that moves down
2 a: a great majority of votes for one side b: an overwhelming victory

I’m guessing you already know that I am not referring to definition number 1 when I say that Viggo Mortensen won over Jon Bon Jovi by a landslide. Out of a record 429 votes, Viggo came out on top with ninety-one percent of the vote. That, my friends, is practically an avalanche.

So, who best to challenge the reigning king, with his vast legions of loyal fans?

Why not the king of the waves?

vs.

Betcha didn’t know the words for “Stage Mother” are the same in Japanese.

A picture of someone who DID show up for her shift

I’ve got to call this one for the coach.

Here’s the scoop: Jodie Hooper, mom of a 7-year-old Little Leaguer, promised to work in the concession stand, as all LL parents must do at least once in that league. She bailed, without finding a replacement.

Her son is benched for two games.

“We are not here to have kids sit benches. We want kids to be playing, but we need people to help us out,” Brouillette said.

About 370 kids play at the field. The fields are run almost exclusively by volunteers. Each parent is expected to help out at least one night.

“Is it fair if you know about it in advance and you are told? It’s one of the rules, otherwise we wouldn’t have concession stands,” parent Rebecca Diaz said…

Hooper said that she had things to do at work and that is why she could not work the stand…

“It’s a tough rule to have to enforce, because everybody has things to do,” League President Dave Brouillette said.

Yes, yes we do.

By now you all know what a hardass I am; it’s impossible to bench or otherwise punish a mother, grownups are supposed to be responsible for their commitments, the kid will get over it, he WILL be ashamed of his mother, this is a good thing. If Mommy is so indispensable at work, Mommy can damn well hire a teenager to take her place.

Thoughts?

The Munchkin and I were walking to the diamond where his Tee-ball practice was going to be held.  The “diamond” is really just a backstop on the infield of a track.  We were on that track, minding our own business, the Munchkin wandering along as five year olds are wont to do.  Then his amble turned into a sudden veer to the right as some whim overtook him to go that way.

Unfortunately, that veer took him right into the path of a nine year old on a bicycle.  Going much too fast for a track with people walking on it.

I watched it all in that famous slo-mo where your mouth opens to scream, but it all happens too quickly for you to actually do anything other than scream.  I think I scared the crap out of the kid on the bike, actually.

And before I knew it, five year old, nine year old and nine year old’s bike were in the dirt.  With the five year old on the bottom.

That bike hit him really hard, pushing him forward and down, with the wheel making impact on his right hip.

I pulled the nine and the bike off, probably a bit too roughly, but I was pissed.  I was worried.

(more…)

Forgive me, sisters, for I have sinned.

I have a confession to make: Although I work for the world’s foremost shoeblogger, I cannot, myself, be said to be much of a shoe fetishist. Of the many tiresome characteristics displayed by those four airheaded meat puppets on Sex and the City, the extravagantly overdone shoe worship was perhaps the most tiresome of all as far as I was concerned (and that is a crowded field, my friends). Art is art, even when you wear it on your feet, but please! Even Picasso knew when to lay off. The only thing more boring than competitive, fad-driven shoe fetishism is handbag fetishism, and thankfully that appears to have become so expensive as to now be nothing but a self-referential joke between Prada, Louis Vuitton, Hermes, and Balenciaga. And if so, more power to them: Kimora Lee Simmons doesn’t need all that money anyway.

In any case, I have to say that when it comes to shoes worthy of worship, the kids have it all over the adults. First of all, you can generally walk in shoes designed for kids. Secondly, the styles can be more creative, because they don’t have to be so reactive to market forces (is it a four inch stiletto this year or a two inch kitten heel?). I mean, take a look at some of these fabulous sneaks and tell me those aren’t just intrinsically wicked cool.

The Diadora Kids
Victor Plus Jr MD

Light as a pair of winged sandals, eye-catching, vegetarian-safe (although what kind of sauce you’d serve them with I have no idea) and best of all, $34. Some more snazzy soccer shoes:

adidas Kids
F30.8 TRX FG J

Although saddled with a name that belongs more to a fighter jet than a pair of shoes, these are still the kind of futuristic style that we had back when we thought the future was going to be really cool. Remember that? Also: $61, or half the price of a similar pair of adult shoes.

And lastly, these, for which I salivate and which have the added example of being unmissable on the field. When my sister and I went swimming, my mother would adorn us with the loudest, ugliest bathing caps she could find (think rhinestone-studded floral monstrosities in puce and mustard). These are a more aesthetically pleasing iteration of the same principle:

Puma Kids
v5.08 I FG Jr

This is perhaps the most superfantastic sports video of all time. I defy you to watch this and NOT get all misty-eyed. The Good Twin to Anonymous’ Evil Twin, Improv Everywhere has struck again (with the help of NBC Sports). This time they struck two Little League teams that will never be the same.

Behold the mighty Lugnuts versus the fearsome Mudcats.

ImprovEverywhere via Gawker

Okay, not preschool. This kid is six years old. And was, evidently, a robotic scorpion in a previous life.

When my son has tee ball practice, I set up my little folding chair, and either chat with another parent or read a book.  Today was a reading day, and at one point I happened to look up at the team as they were lined up to run relays around the bases.

Much to my surprise, one of the boys simply walked up to another who was waiting patiently for his turn, grabbed him by the shoulders and literally threw him to the ground.  It wasn’t because the thrower was bigger or stronger than the throwee, it was just that the throwee wasn’t expecting someone to walk up and attack him for no good reason.  I can totally understand that, I wouldn’t have expected it either. 

Dad of thrower is standing near me, and says not a word to his thrower son.   And this is not the first or even the second time that thrower boy has done this to people.  The dude is a serial thrower.

Silent Dad, you get the Lazy Parenting Award^TM for your “boys will be boys” atttitude and not telling your aggressive son to knock it the heck off.

Boys, much like lion or tiger cubs, are absolutely into horsing around.  However, unless the horsing around is a mutually agreed upon activity, it shouldn’t happen.  Just the other day the Munchkin and a friend of his were in a bounce house and doing exactly the same Wrestlemania moves on each other.  However, they were landing on a soft surface, and by the dual set of giggles, you could tell it was all in good fun.   When they started to get a bit out of control, they were told to cool it.  And they did.

But, violence for the simple sake of violence is not to be excused as simply “boy” behavior.  I resent people like Silent Dad, because then I am forced to tell my son to be on his guard for cretins such as that and never let anyone throw him to the ground just because it seemed like a really good idea at the time.  These kids are five and six years old and already there is a fight for dominance in the pack.  Ridiculous.

It is people like Silent Dad who perpetuate the cycle of bullying, threats, and general dominant idiot behavior that can be so harmful to the psyches of children. 

And I have to say that even though I’m a pacifist at heart, a tiny part of me would rather like to throw Silent Dad on the ground one day and see just how he likes it. He’s kind of wimpy, and with the element of surprise on my side, I bet I could do it, too.

Bad Glinda. Bad, bad Glinda.