Archive - Oh MOM! RSS Feed

Her Heart Belongs to Daddy?

Anything to keep the child support coming, eh Denise?

Now, I’m not malevolent. I don’t really, deep-down, want to believe that celebrities are insane.

And yet, they make it so easy.

Denise Richards Halloween

Here is Hollywood punchline Denise Richards and her two lovely daughters, attending a Halloween party in Beverly Hills. We shall, of course, overlook the obvious pun, which I have in fact and in actuality already made elsewhere, and focus rather on: 1) the fact that Denise looks good for her, not naked, not high, yep, pretty good for Denise Richards, but moreover and furtherto upon 2) the fact that of all the potential Halloween costumes in the entire world, rife as it is with a vast selection of Halloween costumes of all shapes, sizes, and jokey celebrity references, Denise Richards has chosen to dress Charlie Sheen‘s little girl up as

a cheerleader.

Baby Baldie? Try a BabyToupee

Do NOT tell Mizz Britney! She’ll be ordering the entire range.

Yes, folks, bring the Ragnarok, we can just shutter this world now; it’s over. There is an actual company which retails celebrity-tribute wigs for babies. Maybe they’ll be adding a little Katie-Lee Webster/Elvis Weasley version soon.

Admittedly, at this time of year it’s acceptable as almost practical. I mean, jam the awesomeness which is the Bob Marley on little JoJo’s head and hey, presto, instant Halloween costume.

The Bob Marley Baby Toupee

No baby, no cry

For a more feminine, if more felonious look, there’s the Lil Kim.

The Lil Kim

For your little miss thang. Sassy pink locks for the diva in diapers

Then there’s the Donald Trump, although why in the name of all that is holy you’d want your precious treasure to resemble that cotton-candy monstrosity of a comb-over I cannot imagine.

The Donald

You’re hired! Meet the new CEO of the playgroup

But nobody messes with the Samuel L.

The Samuel L.

You know what they call a wig for a baby in Paris?
They call it a Le Baby Toupee

Should you be overcome with the irresistible urge to purchase after seeing these fine designs (lined with soft fleece! For maximum baby sweat!), know that there’s a gallery of happy, apparently well-adjusted babies wearing their wigs proudly. From the evidence, it would seem that The Donald clearly runs the place. Voting enabled, y’all!

I Blame Arthur

It arrived in the mail last week.

The official sign that my son is growing up.

You see, in Halloweens past, it was me who basically suggested what he should have for a costume.  For the first three years or so, his input was pretty negligible.  I mean, the kid could barely talk, so if he had any objections to being Tigger when he was a baby, his articulation needed to be better than “Uuuuuggghhhh.” Really, that could be interpreted either way. When he got a little older, I kept him in deliberate ignorance of all the costume choices out there. 

This, year, it’s different. 

From an episode of “Arthur” he gleaned the information that Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary.  No cute costumes allowed, Mom, I was told.  So much for me holding that show in high esteem anymore. He wanted to scare the bejeebers out of everyone that sees him, and after looking through many costumes that fit his description of “ghost pirate,” I think he is going to accomplish that goal.

It makes me nervous

Actually, I think it scares him a little, he is just too stubborn to admit it. He doesn’t like the makeup as shown, so we won’t do it that way.  Maybe just a white face with some black around the eyes.  A kinder, gentler dead pirate guy, if you will.   Thank goodness the sword isn’t included in the costume, because I think it is a bit over the top.  And to think, he has never even seen any of the Pirate of the Caribbean movies.

My little boy is getting older. 

Sniff. Pass me that tissue, will you?

Forget the tissue, just give me the whole box.

The Gilded Carriage

It Don’t Mean a Thing if it Ain’t Got That Bling

Gwen Stefani takes Kingston out for a stroll in the Midas 3000 model.

Halloween Costumes of the Rich and Famous

Dick in a Box

Who says Britney Spears is a bad mom? Why, she’s already got the boys’s Halloween costumes sorted! That’s what I call being involved!

Smashing Pumpkin Shoes

Any second now!

You know what, call me a prude, but I have this big problem with women who go out with their kids dressed like they are late for their job at the Fantasy Club for Gentlemen.

Now I am the last person on earth who thinks that once you become a mom, any sex appeal you have should disappear under voluminous caftans with mandarin collars.

But, I do think that when you are out with your children on something as wholesome as a visit to the pumpkin patch, the last thing you should pick out of your closet is sky-high platforms and a shirt that leaves little to the imagination.  It should just be a rule of thumb for any woman that one does not wear something that when one bends over, one will wind up flashing one’s, er, pumpkins for all to see.

One part of me looks at Shauna Sand, former Playboy Playmate (surprise!) and ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas, and thinks, how nice that she is taking her lovely daughter on a fun family outing, complete with face painting! What girly fun!  Then the other part looks at her shoes and says, girlfriend is gonna break an ankle on that uneven ground. And for what?  To convince the face painter and the dude conducting wagon rides that she is a MILF? 

Let’s get a better look at those shoes:

Those are some serious platforms

Ah yes, just perfect for walking in the hay! And as an added bonus, the ability to inflict major damage on some pumpkins. 

but MOOOOOM!

LolCats meet LolKids: a memetic union for the ages!

But mo-om,  all da kids wear der pantz like dis.

Also, this is probably the best place to note that it was just the repressed Englishmen that insisted on the short pants for their boys. The Scots, presumably, realized they’d all have expired of hypothermia if they’d been jammed into hot pants in that climate.

The Mom Overture

Stop me if you’ve heard this. I have come late to the genius which is Anita Renfroe‘s Mom’s Overture, a complete roundup of everything a mother says in a day, performed in just under three minutes, to the tune of the William Tell Overture.


from Les Is More via MasterCowfish

And the lyrics, so you can sing along and perform it at karaoke nights:

“The Mom Song”

Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepyhead
Here’s your clothes and your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now! Get up and make your bed
Are you hot? Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where’s your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and gloves and your scarf and hat
Don’t forget! You gotta feed the cat
Eat your breakfast, the experts tell us it’s the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at 3 today
Don’t forget your piano lesson is this afternoon so you must play

Don’t shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside, don’t play rough, will you just play fair?
Be polite, make a friend, don’t forget to share
Work it out, wait your turn, never take a dare
Get along! Don’t make me come down there
Clean your room, fold your clothes, put your stuff away
Make your bed, do it now, do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn? Would you like some hay?
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone! Get off the phone!
Don’t sit so close, turn it down, no texting at the table
No more computer time tonight!

Your iPod’s my iPod if you don’t listen up
Where are you going and with whom and what time do you think you’re coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You’ll appreciate my wisdom someday when you’re older and you’re grown
Can’t wait till you have a couple little children of your own
You’ll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now I thank you not to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew, would appreciate
Take a bite maybe two of the stuff you hate
Use your fork, do not burp or I’ll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, get the door, don’t get smart with me
Get a grip, get in here, I’ll count to three
Get a job, get a life, get a PHD
Get a dose of,
“I don’t care who started it!
You’re grounded until you’re 36″
Get your story straight and tell the truth for once, for heaven’s sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump, too?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said at least a thousand times before
That you’re too old to act this way
It must be your father’s DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straighter when you walk
A place for everything and everything must be in place
Stop crying or I’ll give you something real to cry about
Oh!

Brush your teeth, wash your face, put your PJs on
Get in bed, get up here, say a prayer with mom
Don’t forget, I love you
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom’s work never ends
You don’t need the reason why
Because, because, because, because
I said so, I said so, I said so, I said so
I’m the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom, the mom!!
Ta da!!!

Page 39 of 41« First...102030«3738394041»