Teeny Manolo

Have you heard of Scare Tactics? You won’t forget it after this revoltingly morbid birthing video. Click at own risk (gross, btw!):

From the SciFi Channel, via Defamer

Gwyneth Paltrow: Apple Makes Moses Cross-Dress!

I read that headline at People, and I thought, there goes that pesky media yet again. Misinterpreting and editing interviews with a celebrity so that it sounds like a mom is calling her barely-a-toddler son a cross-dresser! When will they ever stop?

But if the direct quote in the article is to be believed, Gwyneth Paltrow described it that way herself.

You know, there are many ways I as a mother could describe the very common situation of an older sister dressing her younger brother in girl’s clothes, but “cross-dressing” would not be one of them.

While at the beach today, I heard a woman ask her daughter “Where is your cell phone?”

The girl wasn’t more than twelve, and I wondered when the Munchkin would qualify for a cell phone of his own. Because I really don’t think it’s a question anymore if a kid will or won’t get a phone, it’s simply a matter of when.

My mother apparently came into motherhood about twenty years too early, becuase the idea of being able to call me at any second would have greatly appealed to her. Whenever I went out, which was often, I was required to give a detailed itinerary, even after I became an adult. She was even known to ask for the phone number of the movie theater where I would be watching a movie. No, I couldn’t believe it either.

I know that they have those very simple cell phones for young children that have all of two buttons or something, with pre-progammed numbers. But I’m wondering exactly how many seconds it would take for him to lose it at school. I bet that even if it was kept in his backpack all day, somehow he would still manage to lose it. The child cannot keep track of a pair of sunglasses, much less a phone. Thus you will never see him wearing sunglasses any more expensive than five dollars.

Maybe when cell phones hover around ten bucks or so, I’ll think about. That can’t be too far off, right?

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There has been much discussion of late and around these parts of the Herculean loads shouldered, strollered, or shoved into minivans by parents in the name of having essential items to hand at all times. We all know what it’s like to realize the last of the diapers is gone and you’re halfway through Death Valley…or if not that scenario exactly, well, it felt like it.

But at a certain point, preparedness can indeed be said to have gone too far. Indeed, it can in this instance be said to have run amok. People have stormed Hadrian’s Wall (and quite successfully, too) with less ordnance than this.

From DListed:

29-year-old Stephanie Wilson decided to take her little baby and her other young child for a walk around their Utica, NY neighborhood on Tuesday evening. Everything was going well until Stephanie ran into one of her rivals. Stephanie and the other woman immediately began arguing over money. That’s when Stephanie reached into the stroller and pulled out a big knife! She also pulled out a sawed-off shotgun.

Now, any fool knows this is completely impractical. You can’t shoot a sawed-off shotgun with one hand! Put the knife down, fool!

But wait, there’s more!

When the cops searched the stroller they also found two more knives and a box cutter. Strangely, she only got THREE counts of endangering a child and one of third-degree criminal possession of a weapon: what’s that? One for each knife, the shotgun for the felony, and the box cutter came free with the set?

No report on the number of sippy cups seized.

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For some things, there are no words:

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Talk about living the American Dream: soccer mom Jeannie Tate has her own talk show, hosted from within her minivan. Finally, a justification for the ubiquitous gas-guzzler of the American Suburbs. Got to make space for the video crew!

(OT: is anyone else as tired as me of seeing minivans with one lone occupant? is it just my past as a Greenpeace campaigner? Am I the only person on Earth who’d win the lottery and buy… a smartcar? Okay, I’d buy a Countach too, but still.)

In the age of YouTube, when anyone could have a vlog, it takes a certain something to break out and make a name for one’s self. Whatever that thing might be, it’s a thing Jeannie Tate has in common with Tila Tequila and Brian Atene. The rest of us can only gaze in wonder (and add comment # 1580 on the YouTube thread)…

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It seems that fate has decreed I only have one child. It wasn’t necessarily what I would have wanted, but my body has emphatically refused to produce another.

So, I’m trying to count my blessings for the one I do have, and I put together a list of the good things about that. This list is in no way intended to offend people with more than one child, because tomorrow, I am going to deal with the down side. And trust me, there’s a down side.

1. Having lots of time and energy to give to the one child versus splitting it up between siblings.
2. Not having to negotiate who can play with what toy.
3. Only one diaper and potty training phase.
4. Only one terrible two and three phase.
5. One college tuition bill! Wheee!
6. Less use of resources. Meaning three do not consume as much water, plastic, etc…
7. One social calendar to worry about.
8. Not ever having to screech “Stop hitting your brother/sister!”
9. One set of finicky dietary demands.
10. Not having to buy a minivan.

And tomorrow, the cons…

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If you want to hear what has now surpassed Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby” as the most annoying song on the planet, have a listen at this.

He did not just say “I’m glad you’re a hot mom now.” Did he?

I don’t know why, but it seems ok when a woman uses the term to describe herself, but really creepy and wrong when some weird dude playing bad acoustic guitar does.

Is that wrong? Am I being hypocritical? Or do you think the term “hot mom” is demeaning/objectifying no matter who says it?

It’s all Gwyneth’s fault. Well, Gwynnie and anyone else outside of the sex trade who popularizes heels four inches high. Take a look at fashion victim Mel B (Gimpy Spice) and see what a poor working Mom is reduced to:

Ah, servants. If you can afford Louboutins, you can afford the traditional “paid companion” of ambiguous gender preference. Just don’t eat or drink anything she brings you, if I remember my Miss Marple correctly.

In future, may I suggest something a little more practical, something that looks less like you’re going to Edith Prickley’s pole-dancing lessons at The Home and more like you’re a sexy momma who also has a, you know, life?

Something like this, the Diego di Lucca Women’s Elite Boot:

While I’ve long suspected I would not flourish in the era, it must be admitted that I love watching Thirties movies, and am slightly addicted to the bizarre hats of the period.

But it’s not a problem. I can stop wearing those hats any time. Seriously. And I’m sure the staff at Home Depot and the grocery store wishes I would.

But now comes scientific(ish) proof, once and for all, that I’d be an absolutely rotten Thirties housewife. I find solace in the fact that so would Katherine Hepburn and Myrna Loy. Oh, who wants to be that insipid martyr Mrs. Stephen Haines, when you could be the fabulously kooky Irene Bullock or the witty and wonderful Nora Charles? They’d both be fabulous failures in this quiz, too.

23 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

via ArchiesArchive

So what did you get?

If it makes you feel any better, you can answer for your husband on the 1930’s Husband Quiz as well. Don’t tell him the results; it would only upset the poor darling.