Teeny Manolo

I’m just not a baby person.

I’m cool with babies and all, but I am not one of those women who will drop everything to rush over to an infant. I don’t normally coo and cuddle someone else’s child, unless I am related to or good friends with the parents.

I remember taking the Munchkin out when he was about six months to get our taxes done. The secretary saw him and immediately squealed, lurching out from behind her desk, begging to hold him. Granted, he was one cute baby, but I was a bit nonplussed that this woman, this stranger, was practically salivating at the thought of cradling him.

Since her boss was the one who was going to be saving us some money, I reluctantly allowed her. Her face suffused with joy, and she said, “I can’t help it, I am totally baby crazy. I just looooove babies.”

And when the Munchkin was young, I came across many of these women. Seemingly normal, but if their radar picked up an infant within twenty feet, their eyes would glaze over and their minds became slightly unhinged. Once that baby hit their arms, they could no longer communicate properly with the outside world. Syllables became drawn out, and nonsensical babbling/singing would come out of their mouths instead. There was nothing else but this infant and their momentary bond. Which is touchingly sweet, and yet is at the same time a wee bit creepy.

I sort of get it. There is something so very adorable about newborns. Those little lips! Those big eyes! The cute noises! And the helplessness! Who can resist the helplessness?

Well, I can.

I think I am happier now that my son and I can have a conversation, that he can brush his own teeth, and that diapers are a thing of the distant, distant past.

When asked the question last week, “Is our society today too “kid-centric?” thirty six percent of you stated yes indeedy, it is.  A surprising fifteen percent agreed with Whitney Houston, and a nice chunk of you at twenty six percent decided to completely cheese out on answering.   Remind me never to take you shopping with me, ‘k?

As for this week’s burning question, I’m interested in what you think about surrogate mothers. Well, in fact, what you think about yourself becoming a surrogate mother. And I’m not giving you an easy out this time, either.

If you grew up in the seventies, then chances are you had a Garanimals outfit.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I owned more than a few myself.   Er, well, perhaps I should be, but there it is.

If you were not part of our exclusive Garanimals club, allow me to explain the concept.  Garanimals took the children’s fashion world by storm when they introduced the concept of a matching system.  By having labels, usually some sort of jungle animal, kids would be able to dress themselves by simply making sure that the labels were the same for both top and bottom.  If you had two bears, your outfit was a surefire winner!  There was no way you could walk out of the house in an unmatched outfit and embarass your mom!  So, a supposedly idiot-proof system.

Why this concept has not been introduced for men, I am not sure. But, that is entirely a different post probably better suited to a different blog. 

But really, isn’t being able to dress batshit-crazy some sort of three year old birthright?  At that age, it is downright adorable to go grocery shopping wearing an orange striped shirt, red shorts, and a superman cape.  Kids should dress like that as often as they can, because that window of opportunity gets slammed shut around the age of seven or so. At that point, the child will either be seen as destined for fashion greatness or someone who will never get invited to birthday parties.

Apparently the makers of Garanimals decided that a couple decades of freestyle dressing by America’s youth was too much for them to handle. They re-launched the brand in February of 2008, available exclusively at WalMart. Which sort of explains why I didn’t know about it until now.

So once again, children have the opportunity to match zebra to zebra and elephant to elephant! Forget about actually teaching them how to put clothes together, let’s have some faceless corporation do all the hard work for us! But according to Dr. Joyce Brothers, “Garanimals…helps the pre-schooler to handle his/her own wardrobe.” Remember Dr. Joyce Brothers? I thought not. Nothing like trotting out an almost thirty year old quote to inspire brand confidence!

The very lengthily named and greatly in need of an acronym Los Angeles County Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect wants to tell you not to co-sleep.  In fact, not only do they want to tell you not to co-sleep, they want to let you know that “…if you take the baby to bed with you and fall asleep, you are committing a potentially lethal act.”

Well, if that is so, then I am a wanted woman.

Co-sleeping was the only thing that helped my family maintain our tenuous grip on sanity.  If we hadn’t co-slept, my husband and I would have been desperately re-thinking the entire pro-creating thing.  Well, we did that quite a few times, but it would have definitely been more often.

In fact, I truly believe that it helped my son sleep better than he ever would have by himself in his crib.  His crib was used, but not often. I had read this book by Dr. Sears prior to having the Munchkin, and it changed my entire outlook on parenting, including that of co-sleeping.

But anyhoo, back to some quasi-governmental agency trying to tell me what is best for my child.  They quoted a study which stated “…that nearly half of 119 infants who died suddenly and unexpectedly during a four-year period in the St. Louis area did so while sleeping with someone else.”

Well, I’d like to know the number of infants who died while sleeping alone, which is left out of the equation.

I believe that there are indeed situations where co-sleeping would be unsafe, such as if one or both parents was taking a drug of any sort that produced drowsiness. And after drinking alcohol? Definitely not. A crowded bed with other siblings might also not be safe.

Unsafe situations aside, I happen to think it is a highly personal choice. I also happen to be pro co-sleeping. What about you?

Last week’s poll asking about the rising cost of inflation and how it affects your budget had two-thirds of respondents saying there was some sort negative impact. Wow, let’s hope that the Fed doesn’t cut interest rates this week, shall we?

Doing my usual “this poll has absolutely nothing to do with the last poll” type of thing, I’d like to talk about fathers for a minute. Kevin Costner recently fathered a child at age 52. Larry King was 66 when he had a son with his sixth wife, and then another a year later. Charlie Chaplain was 73, and Tony Randall was 77 when his last child was born.

Barring medical intervention, there is an age when carrying a child is no longer an option for a woman. Not so with men, who can father a child very late in life.

According to a study out of the Universitites of Exeter and Oxford, it was found that women who ate a hearty, healthy breakfast were more likely to conceive a son.

In a rather stunning development, women who ate at least one bowl of cereal per day pre-conception were found to have the most male babies. Although cereal contains quite a few nutrients, it frightens me that a food which is completely engineered and bears no resemblance to anything in nature should be the key to having a boy.

Suspicious that some sort of cereal company was underwriting the study, I tried, but could find no evidence of shenanigans.

Women who skipped breakfast or ate a breakfast which was low in nutritional value had more girls.

Now does this study demonstrate yet again the superiority of the female sex, or what? When the going gets rough, it’s the girls who come through. But the boys? Oh no, conditions have to be perfect or they won’t even bother showing up for the party.

I’m trying to remember if I ate a lot of cereal before I got pregnant, although I have to admit that I had a “surprise” pregnancy and thus didn’t even know that I was pregnant until over a month and a half later. So goodness knows what I was putting in my body. I know that I certainly wasn’t making any extra effort to eat healthy, nor did pre-natal vitamins pass my lips until the pregnancy was confirmed.

But hey, if you’re a big fan of Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, or Fruit Loops and you want a boy, then by all means, chow down!

I don’t know why no one ever told me the truth. But I would now like to bring the truth out in the open, for all to see. I consider it my duty and a public service. You’re welcome.

When I brought my newborn home, I thought all was perfect and well with the world. And it was. For the first eight hours.

Then it became apparent that my life would never be the same.

Awww, Glinda, you are saying to yourself. Of course, a child changes your life in such a wonderful way! Such a wonderful, permanent way!

Well yes, there is all that with the bond you have with your offspring, yadda, yadda, yadda.

However, the permanent change that I’m referring to is that of not getting enough sleep. That is the change that no one bothered to tell me about. And if you ask me, it’s a rather important one.

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Babies and kids are big business. That’s why there are a million different toys and safety items and educational thingamajigs and anything else that you can think of just for them.   Products are trumpeted as the latest and greatest, things that you just can’t live without.  But is that really true?

Some of these I sort of covet, but wonder if they make life simpler or just that much more complicated.  Are the concepts revolutionary, or just a way to get you to spend some money? Are they truly useful, or are they just products that prey on parental insecurities?

Shampoo Rinse Cup- Instead of a regular cup, this one has a soft, flexible edge to keep the water and shampoo out of eyes.  Ummm, how about just being really careful? Although if you have a child that screams bloody  murder when water gets on their face, it might be worth it. Although you should discount any future competitive swimming career.

Snack Catchers- I can see why people would like these because they are reusable, but they also seem to possibly go a bit overboard.  Don’t say the name of this too fast, though, it could come out a bit raunchy. 

Babeebrite Hands Free Mobile Light- This is touted for those 3am diaper changes or for checking on your baby in the middle of the night.  It could be the best thing ever, or just another gadget that becomes too much trouble when you can just get a soft night light.  Nobody expects a 3am diaper change to be perfect, anyway.

Auto Seat Back Protector- Whatever happened to the good old days when parents would just scream at their kids to stop kicking the back of the car seat, or so help them God, they would pull over?

Child Locator- For twenty bucks, this device will enable you to track your child up to 150 feet away and through concrete walls.  In one sense, I think parents should obviously keep track of their kids, but for certain events, I could possibly see the usefulness of this. 

Juice Pal- Keeps those annoying juice boxes and pouches from being squeezed too tightly by little hands and spurting all over your beige carpet.  I can see where this would come in handy, but kids aren’t supposed to drink a lot of juice, so I’m conflicted.

Inflatable Bathtub Liner- You inflate this with a separately sold pump (because with an infant you just have so much extra time for blowing up liners!) and you simply line the tub so that your child won’t hurt his/her self on the sides of the tub.  It isn’t designed to keep your child from slipping in the tub, so I don’t quite see the point.

Crustless Sandwich Cutter-  All right, I have to admit I’m a fan of the cute little shapes, but is this truly necessary?

DaysAgo Digital Day Counter- I for one remember being extremely sleep deprived in those infant days, but was I so far gone that I needed to stick a digital counter on my food to tell me if it was still any good?  And you have to set the thing to boot. 

Stroller Safety Flag- Attach this to your stroller, and everyone will see you!  How about just being very conscientious when pushing your stroller, whether it be in a crowd or entering an intersection? And don’t they know that people already avoid women with strollers like the plague?

I would love, love, love to know what you all think of these.

Another great way to “go green” is to give your child toys that are made out of non-toxic materials.  With all the toy recalls, it is becoming tougher than ever to try and figure out which toys are safe for your child.   I’m here to give you some toys you can feel good about, because wondering if a toy could possibly harm your child should never be an issue that a parent has to deal with.

Plan Toys Forklift & Doll

All Plan Toys are safe and environmentally friendly.  Their wood toys are made out of recycled rubber trees and their paint colors meet all international standards.  (Read: Euro standards which are more stringent than US standards.  Now why is that, anyway?)

Plan Dancing Alligator Pull Toy

Makes a very fun clickety-clack sound, and kids are fascinated with the way the alligator moves.

Melissa and Doug Cutting Food Box

Kids love playing with pretend food.  Even better? Being able to “cut” the pretend food! All Melissa and Doug toys are made with non-toxic paint and wood.

Melissa and Doug See and Spell

Great for beginning spellers, this toy helps them to learn their letters in both tactile and visual ways.

HABA Flapsi Clutch Toy

German-made HABA toys are coated with non-toxic laquer.  This toy makes a clicking sound that will entertain your baby, and is safe for them to gum.

Melissa and Doug Deluxe Stamp Kit

Your kids can make hundreds of different designs using the washable, non-toxic ink pads. 

A Day at the Zoo by ImagiPlay

Made from renewable, sustainable materials, this cute zoo set meets all international safety standards. 

Melissa and Doug Band in a Box

Is it loud?  Does it make a huge racket?  Of course it does! That’s why kids adore musical instruments.  This set has a set of cymbals, which is sure to please any young musician.  Just make sure you have some ear plugs handy.

Plan Toys Activity Bus

This bus opens up to become a classroom with chairs, figures, a blackboard, and books!

Melissa and Doug Deluxe Wooden Folding Princess Castle

Now I am all for unisex toys, but I have to say this looks freaking awesome.

Oh yeah, I can totally see Gwen Stefani and JLo sending the assistants out to buy this stuff (then having their PRs “leak” it to the media). Once superpremium pablum hits the market, L.A.M.B. Chops are just a business plan away from being a reality.

Image stolen from Worth1000.com’s Photoshop contest If Babies Ruled. Voting (and entering) is enabled for another two days, so click early, click often. If you’re decent with the Photoshop, give it a whack yourself.

As anyone with a baby with a healthy set of vocal chords can attest to: what baby wants, baby gets. In this contest what baby wants is control of the world and adults are out of the picture ENTIRELY. In short, create a world where babies rule.

The rules of this game are thus: Create a scene as a baby would like to see it as shown in the wonderful themepost by Phantazmo. No “adult” adult things, you perv.

Hit List: Do NOT use images of actual babies or children. No kidding. Even if you have a model release - no images of children. That’s your challenge!

No cliches, please. As always, quality is a must. You’ll have 48 hours for this contest, so make your submission count.