When a brave paparazzo informed Ms. Campbell that the game is entitled “Drop the Baby” and not “Pitch the Baby” she tossed the hapless prop orphan to her longsuffering entourage, demanded ten thousand dollars and a bottle of Cristal, and stormed off to cry on Diddy’s yacht.
Oh, this will not end well.
Okay, fess up. Who hired the babysitter?
Longtime TeenyManolo readers will recall our play-by-play of the first round of the hotly-contested (and, apparently, hyphen-generating) playoffs in the international Drop the Baby league. Indeed, as with the great Secretariat winning the Belmont in ‘73, who could forget the way the untouchable Britney effortlessly pulled ahead of upstart newbie Kat(i)e HolmesCruiseBot? An easy win for a truly legendary thoroughbred.
Here are two fresh competitors late out of the gate, but who show great promise. While it’s true that neither Gwen Stefani nor Larry Birkhead have actually dropped the baby (subject to updates TK) we figure between his habits and her heels, it’s just a matter of time. Let’s break down the challenges these two represent, shall we?
First up, Golden Gwen Stefani out of Orange County, California, whose husband so ably displayed secure baby-handling technique all this week at the fashion shows. Realizing that such attention to baby safety and anti-splat measures is directly antagonistic to the paparazzi-attracting imperative, Gwen decided to take teeny, adorable things into her own hands.
Kingston: I like that Kingston is rocking the Seventies headphones; he’s probably grooving to some totally happenin’ Steely Dan right at this very moment. And his sweatshirt and coordinated bright (easy to find if dropped) pacifier are cute, although low-rider jeans are not a good idea on anyone who wears a diaper. A full Pampers is not exactly a jeweled thong, you know? Decent enough shoes, not the foot-truncating ballet flats of the earlier appearance.
Gwen: THOSE SHOES! These are, without question, the highest shoes yet to make an appearance in Drop the Baby. She needs oxygen at that altitude! An excellent choice for round two, really ramping it up and showing that this challenger is one not afraid to make the daring, if painful, stretch. While not unacquainted with flats, she knows this is what it takes to catch the leaders and she’s willing to do what it takes, whatever it takes. Brava.
That dress! Seriously, folks, it’s pretty and it fits and I heart well-made pave sequin fabric and all (oh, no-one hearts it more than me!) but if she actually does drop the baby some day, it’s either say ah, hellwithit and just let him BASE jump from that height or show everyone in the world exactly where babies come from.
Gavin: Who cares what he’s wearing, he’s hawt! He’d look best nekkid.
Note: Stefani loses points because despite a solid effort, she, in fact and in actuality, failed to drop the baby.
On to the second challenger.
Boy, this guy doesn’t fool around, does he?
Round Two: Birkhead!
Honestly, once you’ve done the vag flash, where do you go from there when you’re looking to drive the fans wild? How to ramp up the publicity machine? Well, these two celebrity moms know exactly how: you put on your best pair of nosebleed heels and play Drop the Baby!
First onto the field was highly experienced paparazzi-inciter Britney Spears.
Wearing bottoms (that’s a technical fashion blogger term) that (for once) were too long, with what appear to be either platform flip flops or peep-toe stripper heels, she left the Ritz Carleton in New York and promptly did a prat-curtsey when her shoes caught in the trailing jeans. Ah, leaving the Ritz; more than one celebrity mom has left, only to encounter tragedy. My suggestion is the same as Glen Frey’s: if you’re a celebrity mom you can check out, but for god’s sake, never leave!
Britney gets extra points for being pregnant at the time and managing, despite the no doubt unbalancing effect of playing snap the whip with her toddler’s head, not to let go of her drink. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a professional in action. Yes, she was carrying both the apparently indestructable Sean Preston Does-Daddy-Still-Have-Custody-Of-The-Surname? and a rocks glass of mysterious clear liquid, which she was careful not to spill. The bodyguards steadied the baby.
Britney: frazzled bottle blonde ponytail, smeared eyeliner, black bra, white eyelet babydoll top, low-slung, far-too-long jeans, hooker/trailer park shoes. Something on the rocks. Look: trailer trash, y’all!
Sean Preston Whatever: slightly greyed white overalls, striped Mork&Mindy socks, eye-ripping orange hat that flew off, no shirt, no shoes. Look: redneck, y’all.
Seriously, an awesome performance by a real pro.
Now let us turn to this past weekend’s performance by relative newcomer Katie Holmes/Kate Cruise/Stepford Wife #3.
Katie earns points for staging the baby drop on a rainy Parisian sidewalk, which makes a much prettier backdrop than a hotel parking lot. She loses points because she saved the baby and hit the pavement herself, bloodying her knee rather than say, tossing the baby to the help, steadying herself, and attempting to chug the pink blankie.
Then again, those are hideous shoes; girl deserved to go down.
Katie: perfect makeup, this year’s Posh haircut, olive trench, invisible dress (the Barbara Amiel look), high double-strap pumps that, it must be admitted, do have pretty heels even if they’re the colour of oxbarf. They don’t even look good when Peter Fox does them. Yes, they make your feet look shorter. They make the rest of you look shorter, too, when you’re kneeling on the sidewalk because you fell over. Look: 2007 meets 1927
Suri: adorable, classic dress, immaculate and cosy white cardigan, cute variation of the baby pageboy, hideous Baby Birkenstocks with massive straps that could hitch a Clydesdale to a beer wagon. Does Katie have restraint issues, par chance? Look: BCBGeekChic.
Verdict: round goes to Spears, y’all. Cheers!
May a humble blogger suggest that, should celebrity or other moms wish to avoid being featured in future Drop the Baby posts, when they are carrying something as precious as these two babies, they A) put the damn drink down and B) choose footwear more like what these relatively sensible toddlers are wearing, and less like a truck stop honey or an extra in Bugsy Malone?
