Teeny Manolo

You KNOW how we feel about Elmo. Stolen from Worth1000 via AgentBedhead, this is the one-sheet for this summer’s top horror thriller:

It’s all Gwyneth’s fault. Well, Gwynnie and anyone else outside of the sex trade who popularizes heels four inches high. Take a look at fashion victim Mel B (Gimpy Spice) and see what a poor working Mom is reduced to:

Ah, servants. If you can afford Louboutins, you can afford the traditional “paid companion” of ambiguous gender preference. Just don’t eat or drink anything she brings you, if I remember my Miss Marple correctly.

In future, may I suggest something a little more practical, something that looks less like you’re going to Edith Prickley’s pole-dancing lessons at The Home and more like you’re a sexy momma who also has a, you know, life?

Something like this, the Diego di Lucca Women’s Elite Boot:

It’s that special time of the week, the time that you’ve all been waiting for: time to announce the winner of the Friday Caption Contest.

Last Friday we presented for your commentation Jada Pinkett-Smith and her children Willow and Jaden:

gemdiva Says:
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm

OK, OK, you got your pictures. Now let’s get one thing very clear…………. one nasty, snarky word about my kids in print and you’ll wish your Mamas & Daddys had never met.

Yes, gemdiva takes it again in a close call. Let’s see, what have we got for her virtual prize in this week’s imaginary presentation ceremony…a collection of Dad’s last few movies wouldn’t be much of a prize at all, so let’s see if we can’t find her something slightly more fabulous. You know, I was looking for something in black and white pearl, but fuggedabouddid, when my eyes lit on this I knew that one of us had to have it, if only virtually. The Russell Trusso pearl multiflower necklace:

While I’ve long suspected I would not flourish in the era, it must be admitted that I love watching Thirties movies, and am slightly addicted to the bizarre hats of the period.

But it’s not a problem. I can stop wearing those hats any time. Seriously. And I’m sure the staff at Home Depot and the grocery store wishes I would.

But now comes scientific(ish) proof, once and for all, that I’d be an absolutely rotten Thirties housewife. I find solace in the fact that so would Katherine Hepburn and Myrna Loy. Oh, who wants to be that insipid martyr Mrs. Stephen Haines, when you could be the fabulously kooky Irene Bullock or the witty and wonderful Nora Charles? They’d both be fabulous failures in this quiz, too.

23 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

via ArchiesArchive

So what did you get?

If it makes you feel any better, you can answer for your husband on the 1930’s Husband Quiz as well. Don’t tell him the results; it would only upset the poor darling.

You know what to do, so do it to Jada Pinkett-Smith and her kids Willow and Jaden.

Hey, the man has some experience. Here, he shows newbies Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson how to prepare for the arrival of their new baby.

Let’s list those tips, for those who can’t play the YouTube (and without access to YouTube, how do you expect to raise a happy child? Eh? Honestly!).

1. Put the crib in the garage if you want a sex life.
2. Don’t sweat the carbon monoxide; it’s healthy!
3. Kids love videos, but forget that Baby Einstein crap. It’s all about the rap videos.
4. A baby bottle’s nipple fits right over the end of the malt liquor bottle and guarantees a restful night’s sleep.
5. Snoop is standing by to help with that breast-feeding thing.
6. Oh, I won’t give away the punchline. But it’s damn good advice.

And really, I can use that as my title because nobody really knows what the heck hollaback really means, so why not apply the term to shoes?

I was pleasantly suprised when I looked into the Gwen Stefani-designed clothing line Harajuku Lovers.  It was cute and age appropriate.  Not bad for a celebrity with no real prior designing experience.  When I heard she was also coming out with a line of shoes, I was excited.  I thought they were going to be good.

Ah, expectations. Why must you always dashed?

Bo-ring.

Double bo-ring.

And even worse,  bo-ring, ugly, and overpriced at the same time. I’m sure it takes some sort of talent to design something so multifaceted, right? Nobody said they had to be good facets or anything.

If your kid wants skate shoes, do yourself a favor and go buy some Vans instead. They’re better looking and a heck of a lot cheaper. 

Today we are going to tackle bronzers. I have mixed feelings about bronzers. I totally lurve the concept, but sometimes the execution worries me. I mean, bronzers have to be applied fairly carefully, and my big problem is when people who are fair everywhere (including their faces) want to try and look sun-kissed and wind up with a face that is much darker than the rest of them. Maybe a good look in a dimly lit bar, but not so hot anywhere else.

I do have to say that the bronzers of today are much better than the orange-y ones of yesteryear. Gotta love technology. If you have oily skin, definitely go for a poweder. Dry skin can use either a liquid or powder, depending on your preference.

If you are into bronzers, which can also be useful for contouring, here are a few you might want to consider.

Laura Geller Bronze - N - Brighten

Not only is this a bronzer, but it can also be used as blusher, eyeshadow, and a light foundation as well since it contains color-correcting pigments. This product is actually baked to create a nice matte finish. Glinda likes. Glinda always likes multi-use products!

BeneFit Hoola

For lighter skin tones, Hoola will give you a nice, natural glow. Upon application, the color is a subtle, matte brown, with no shimmer. For darker skin tones, go for Dallas.

Smashbox Fusion Soft Lights Shimmering Powder

What I like about this product is the color versatility it gives. With the different shades, you can pick exactly how light or dark you want to go.

And, key to a good bronzer application is a nice, big brush. Something like this, perhaps.

Unless, of course, you want to look like this:

She’s going to be pissed.

From Consumerist. The comments on that post are a treasure trove of embitterment and condescension.

Think of Rachel Ray.

This is just too perfect; she wants you to spend fifteen of your hard-earned dollars to purchase a bowl into which you’ll throw your crap.

As for me, I call the place where I throw my scraps the “Garbage” but you know, her market is terribly refined.