It’s a Merry Christmas Throwdown in ol’ Bethlehem. You know how it works: captions in the comments, rants get bonus points if sufficiently amusing:

Yes, it’s time to announce the grand (merely grand? Phwoar, try superfantastic!) prize winner of our hotly-contested Friday Caption Contest from last week. With some truly unusual material to work with (with which to work? Whateva) we got some truly creative responses, and it was an unusually close lightning round of captioneering, but after much heated discussion and at least three bottles of Malbec (we lost count for some reason) we have chosen a winner.

Jordan Says:
December 15th, 2008 at 11:02 pm

“The Mile High Club commences phase 1 of animal testing.”

Honourable mention to marvel, for a marvelous 2001 reference. As always, genuine congratulations and imaginary prizes to the winner. Something tells me Jordan wouldn’t care for our usual round of jewelry, scarves, handbags or Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, so we’re branching out a bit with this one, the very snazzy Goorin Brothers Moretti pinstripe fedora. Proper protective headgear is key, whether you’re on a spacewalk or just a stroll downtown.

Yes, it’s that time of the week. Not just time, but high time, we announced our winner from last week’s Caption Contest. I think our initial entrant scared off the rest of the contenders with her entry of almost Hemingwayesque simplicity.

Liz Says:
November 30th, 2008 at 10:14 pm

Mammmaaa, Santa farted!

With what imaginary gelt (sorry, getting my Holidays mixed up) gift shall we hypothetically commemorate Liz’s indisputable triumph? How about this beautiful wrap which she can pull up over her nose, innocuously claiming a sudden chill.

Yes, it’s that time of the year again: time for the annual Scared of Santa gallery online! Best caption wins a glamorous, festive, and entirely imaginary prize!

Meltdown on Santa’s Lap  (sandy gallant )

Ben Jones, 13 months old, of Peoria, Illinois, has a meltdown during his first visit with Santa.
Date submitted: 11/13/2008

The fact that we had but a single entrant should be set aside in view of the quality of response. The fact is, people were just flat-out intimidated when the clicked to the comments and found this one:

La Petite Acadienne Says:
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:43 am

Young Geoffrey was traumatized when his well-meaning parents misunderstood his request for Big Bird for Christmas.

Those poor, poor children. It bears repeating that this image has inspired some very fine captions around the blogosphere, including that on the original article:

Paul and Veronica came to a startling realization. Could they be next?

Well, apparently Paul and Veronica lived to a ripe old age or if they became child stars and burned out at least we have no information in that regard, so no news is good news.

Still, if ever tempted to pose your adorable children amid a pile of carcasses, even a butcher should pause. I mean, dude, please!

In any case/event we have yet to award the prestigious, yet entirely imaginary, prize. What shall we give our bold captioneer/captionesque?

This Youtruche ostrich-skin pump (ecosensitive!) from the master, Christian Louboutin, and for once I can’t really complain about the red heel lining outsnazzing the rest of the design, because, quite frankly, and with excessive use of commatude, not only is it abbreviated but, in fact and in actuality, one must admit, nothing could.

I’m not sure, but I think this was taken at Sarah Palin’s office:

I’ve had so many technical difficulties I haven’t even been able to get back to this post until now! But it is (long past) time to announce our winner from a week ago. Both suggestions were good, but There Can Be Only One.

Sarah G. Says:
November 9th, 2008 at 8:03 pm

Jimmy found it much harder to pick out his next sibling than he originally thought.

Kudos (whatever they are; surely they don’t mean that vile little sticky candy bar? She deserves better) and imaginary swag to Sarah G, our winner this week. In keeping with our scientific theme, we hypothetically present this ultra-swanky grown-up chemical set from Pampalona, for mixing up concoctions both mysterious and powerful.

Let’s just say some unexpected technical difficulties have entered my life recently, inspiring today’s post. Captions in the comments, as per usual.