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They Should Have Locked Him in His Pineapple

When I first heard of this product, I thought it was a joke. Surely there was no one drunk/drugged/forced at gunpoint at Nickelodeon to sign on the dotted line for this concept.

But, scarily enough, it’s legit. In what is sure to go down in the annals of marketing history as the worst brand placement ever, I give you:

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Yes, a rectal thermometer that plays music. Specifically, the signature theme of Spongebob Squarepants.

Years from now, there will be hordes of young children who will cry whenever Spongebob comes on, and yet have no idea why.

Your Cheatin’ Heart

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According to this survey, thirty six percent of married moms have had an affair since having kids.  AOL and Cookie Magazine, the sponsors of the survey, report that over thirty thousand people have taken the survey.

Yikes, that sure is a lot of hourly motel room rentals

However, more than a few grains of salt should be taken with this survey.  First, it is an internet survey open to anyone.  That means there could be some pimply 17 year old in his mom’s basement filling out the survey.  I’m not exactly sure why he would want to do that, but many things are difficult to explain. Second, there is nothing preventing people from taking this survey more than once.  Heck, I had problems with a pop-up on the site and wound up getting kicked back to the beginning, even though I had already answered ten questions.

It is impossible to say how valid the numbers are, really.  If you halved it, coming up with eighteen percent, that sounds a bit more realisic.  Still, almost twenty percent of moms having an affair is a sobering statistic.

I thought it was the moms who were supposed to not want sex anymore!  All the whining demands, messes to clean up, and endless fruitless negotiations over household rules can really lower a woman’s sex drive.  And really, that’s just dealing with the husband…

But, I do have one important question. Does this mean that I will have to send Sven, my Swedish masseuse, home early now for fear the neighbors will start whispering?

Gap Kids Collection: for kids, by kids!

Mugatu Happy!

I have a confession to make: there is a soft spot in my heart for the loopy comedy stylings of Ben Stiller, and it’s not just because he smiled at me once in Waterfront Station.

Although some.

One of his finest creations is the fabulously moronic Derek(Dayre-ique?) Zoolander, and one of the best bits of that movie was the hilariously appalling infomercial with which Mugatu brainwashed him. “Governments are interfering with the age-old right of children to work as they please! Now…Kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia!

Oops! Uh, “Spoiler Alert!” Still, at least I didn’t tell you about the Duchovny surprise, so that’s good.

In any case and in the same vein, here is a lovely news presentation from The Onion, celebrating the new Gap For Kids, By Kids collection!


Gap Unveils New ‘For Kids By Kids’ Clothing Line

Monday Teeny Poll

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In last week’s poll, I asked “how old is too old for a man to father a child?”  The largest vote-getter was anything over fifty.  Thirty percent said over sixty.  There were also some very interesting and heartfelt comments, and I continally marvel at our readers’ eloquence and honesty. But what else should I expect from the superfantastic fans of the Manolosphere?

Buttering up aside, this weekend I was thinking about all the stuff there is for kids. And I’m not necessarily talking about things to buy, although there certainly is that. Malls have play areas, there are gyms especially for kids, seemingly billions of different camps and classes, DVD players built into cars, and practically every restaurant has a kid’s menu.

I don’t remember any of that growing up.

Paging Angelina!

Seriously, this company should forget about advertising on blogs and just start stuffing their brochures in Oscar and Grammy goodie bags. Thanks to the ever-informative Dr. Boli for this.

Orphan of the Month Club

Mercury in Retrograde, Civilization in Decline

There, I said it.

You know, this week started badly, is worsening rapidly, and at this rate I really don’t know if I’ll be able to face Friday without smelling salts. Tell me: Do they make overproof Earl Grey? I’ll have a double.

One doesn’t want to natter on about the Good Old Days before one was born (too much) because they were oppressive and hypocritical and full of ugly, synthetic garments and hostility towards the people who supply the toys for our Happy Meals and our mail order babies.

But.

One is reminded, one is, of the time Mister Walt Disney went to former Mousekateer Annette Funicello and asked her to keep her bellybutton covered during her upcoming beach movie, for the sake of the reputation of the Mickey Mouse Club. Well, she did and they gave her three sequels anyway and as far as we know she’s sitting on a beanbag full of cash, drinking whiskey sours her cabana boy mixed and emailing Perez Hilton corny jokes from the verandah of a swanky retirement villa in Santa Barbara. And good for her.

My, how things have changed. First Miley Cyrus, now this:

Disney Lingerie Ad

From Slate:

After reading of the Cyrus flap, I e-mailed my photo to Disney… How did the company square its position on the Liebowitz photo with its risqué billboard in China?…

Foster said he didn’t know which ad agency prepared the ad, how old the model was, or where the photo shoot took place. But he was sure it was the work of a Disney licensee: Shanghai Zhenxin Garments Co. Ltd… He assured me the billboard would be removed immediately…

It may be a small world, after all, but not everyone shares Burbank’s mores, and you can’t be too careful protecting your brand: You never know when a Chinese licensee, or an American glossy, will deviate from the Disney way.

So to speak.

Friday Caption Contest: Baby Suit Edition

You know how it works, so work it in the comments. And yes, technically this deserves the tag “Baby Clothes.”

The Baby Suit

The Plastic Surgery Fairy to the Rescue!

My Beautiful Mommy illustrations

I offer you the above illustrations from the new modern fairy tale ”My Beautiful Mommy.”*

It’s the heartwarming story of a sad Mommy who thinks she isn’t good enough the way she is. Why, she’ll never be crowned Mrs. MILF America if her tummy is so flabby and her boobs so droopy!  So in comes the big, buff Plastic Surgery Fairy to make Mommy all better. 

But, Mommy and the Plastic Surgery Fairy want to make sure that the little girl knows that Mommy coming home all bruised, bandaged, and unable to move doesn’t mean that she got hurt!  Oh no!  It just means that Mommy got prettier!

This book is a must-read for all Mommies who care about their impressionable young kids!

*Currently being sold at all finer plastic surgery offices nationwide.  Pick up your copy today!

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