Teeny Manolo

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a politician possessed of the usual heapin’-helpin’ of self-esteem and windbaggery must be in search of an audience. Unfortunately, some of them have discovered our little secret, teh blawgs, as an outlet therefor.

This. Does. Not. End. Well.

Allow me to introduce Edmonchuckistanian Member of the Legislative Assembly Doug Elniski here:

Elniski posted the text of a speech on June 13 that he said he gives to junior high school students at Grade 9 graduation ceremonies.

Part of the posting included advice to girls saying, “Ladies, always smile when you walk into a room, there is nothing a man wants less than a woman scowling because he thinks he is going to get s–t for something and has no idea what.”

It continues, “Men are attracted to smiles, so smile, don’t give me that ‘treated equal’ stuff. If you want Equal, it comes in little packages at Starbucks.”

Now he says he was lying; he never give that speech at all, it was a complete fabrication, everything in the blog was made up, and he stole the jokes. Thanks, we feel so much better about you now.

You know, there are times when I really dislike the FDA. Imagine how much easier our lives could be, ladies!

A Dad says to his daughter, hey kids, let’s go get some ice cream! The kids squeal with delight at the thought, and father and daughters have a fun time getting some delicious dairy, maybe with a little chocolate thrown in.

Typical, right?

Well, not if you are the Obama family. Instead of a nice afternoon at the ice cream parlor, you get Secret Service men, crowds of adoring fans, your picture being taken as you eat your ice cream, and not having a moment’s peace.

I have a little tip for all the gawkers in DC. I grew up in Los Angeles, where I’ve seen more celebrities than you can shake a stick at, from A-listers all the way down to D. But, we don’t pull out our cameras and scream and ask for autographs. We realize that they are people too, and would like to live their lives without hordes of people surrounding them every time they go out in a public place, and especially when they are with their families.

So we simply do what is known as “the nod.” If you happen to make eye contact with them, you simply look at them and dip your chin down slightly, signaling that you acknowledge that they are a public figure, but that you respect them and are going to leave them alone.

Judging from the looks on poor Sasha’s face, she wishes people would do that a little more often.

An “icy” stare.

Can’t say as I blame her.

A “Christian” website is selling the perfect T-shirt for the young bigot-in-training.

What makes me sad is the indoctrination of hate that these young children must be put through by their parents or family members.  Hate is taught, plain and simple. 

It doesn’t make it any better that they are hiding behind Jesus, who by the way, was Jewish and definitely not white. No matter how many velvet paintings there are depicting him that way.

h/t Strollerderby via Jezebel

Surely this is an efficient and humane policy, along the lines of the winery in the Okanagan which boasts an “Unattended children will be given their own marmot” sign.

Is that they are almost always written by adults.

Take, for example, the current release Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smthsonian. On the movie review site Rotten Tomatoes, it has a “Tomatometer” rating of only forty-four percent. The consensus being that it pretty much reeks.

I saw the movie this weekend with the Munchkin and one of his buddies. Was I magically transported, transfixed by every frame? No. Was this a masterwork which would be the recipient of multiple Oscars? No.

However, it was entertaining. It moved along enough for me not to be bored, and the fabulous Hank Azaria chewed the scenery every frame he was in.

The kids? They thought it was great. Not once did they squirm in their seat. In fact they were doing that whole “not able to look down at the popcorn” thing as they couldn’t take their eyes off the screen. Resulting in much spilled popcorn, but hey, we like to keep theater people employed.

Seriously though, too many movie critics view kid’s movies through an adult lens, and thus wind up judging them harshly. To be sure, there are plenty of cruddy movies for kids out there, but remember when we were young? Many of us adored shows and movies that were absolute dreck, but for whatever reason resonated with us.

For example, have you watched any old Land of the Lost reruns lately? Talk about a bad show in every way, from the sets (fake!) to the acting (even more fake!) to the embarassment to cavemen that was Chaka. There wasn’t even any redeeming educational value in it, as it purported that men-like creatures were alive at the time of dinosaurs. And yet, this show is a cult classic. Even if Land of the Lost wasn’t in your time, I gaurantee you it was some other equally horrid one that as a kid you thought was great. Power Puff Girls? The Smurfs? There was at least one.

So let’s not be so hard on kid’s movies. As long as the primary audience is entertained, the adults should simply view it as a good time to have some delicious junk food. Or even better, a nap!

I have no problem with people who choose not to have kids.

Their reasons are their own, and I respect their right to live their lives as they see fit. I certainly would not want someone that dislikes children or feels they are unfit to parent to have one, which sounds fairly disastrous for all involved.

No, what I have a problem with is the term “child-free.”

Let us ponder for a moment the words that are normally coupled with “free.” Words like fat, sugar, and cancer are all common. These are things that are seen to be negative. Things that if you don’t have, your life will most likely be seen as being better, even if from a purely superficial standpoint.

Now let’s look at words that are commonly used with the suffix “-less.” Homeless, brainless, and bloodless come to mind. Those root words are things I’m fairly sure we would all concur are good things to have. Ones that if you don’t have, then you are seen as possibly having some problems, especially blood.

However, the “child-free” movement is waging a war of semantics, and I have an issue with it. Partly because I have a degree in English, and arguing semantics is pretty much all it is good for. That and comparing obscure themes in novels. Thank goodness I don’t have a degree in philosophy, or else we’d really be in trouble.

But by purposely using the phrase “child-free” versus “childless” I believe they are implying that children are inherently bad. That by not having them, their lives will be improved. And in their minds, I’m sure that is true. But I hate to say that they are in the minority, at least at this moment in history.

I agree that children may not be for everyone, but let’s not lump them in with life-threatening diseases, shall we?

Now listen, I totally get that maternity fashion ain’t what it used to be. No longer bound by mumuus, maternity fashion has definitely hit new heights. And, if these shirts are any example, new lows.

Are you talking about your pregnancy or your morning sickness? Either way, not something I’d want to advertise to the world.

Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean it automatically gets to go on a shirt.

Yes, we all know that you most likely had sex. The general public doesn’t really care what position you were in, though.

And boy does she look bitter about it.

Puts the “tack” in “tacky.”

I want to begin this piece by saying unequivocally I am not out of make fun of the children featured in this post. Which is why I pixelated their faces and will not inform you of the magazine which did such unfortunate things to these kids.

No, I am making fun of the parents and the stylists who are so desperate to make you go out and get your kid’s hair cut in these “cool new styles” that they made the kids look fairly ridiculous. Which is a damn shame, because they were all indeed very adorable.

And I am well aware that it is, after all, just hair. It will grow back into the semblance of a decent haircut at some point. But why, why would you do this to your kids because some magazine told you it was fashionable to pay to have your kid look like they took the scissors to their hair themselves?

This child is touted as an example of “asymmetrical bangs.” Bangs that look like a stylist with a serious alcohol impairment had their way with them. Seriously, if I paid good money and had someone cut the Munchkin’s bangs like that, I would demand my money back.

This cut is called an “cutting-edge mullet” for kids with fine hair. There is no such thing as a good mullet.

Now this one I thought long and hard about. I don’t know if you can tell as much with the pixelation, but this lovely child has a very prominent forehead. There is nothing wrong with that, but I’m just not sure I would choose to highlight it so, well, prominently.

Love the necklace, love the shirt, love the glasses. Hate, hate, hate, the “microbangs.” The magazine said that microbangs weren’t good if your kid did it themselves, but perfectly fine when a trained professional purposely did them. Pray tell, how is anyone to know the difference?

You know how kids are: one minute all they’ll eat is cherry Jello and the next second they HATEHATEittakeitawaycherryJelloisgrossMOM! Yes, they’re fickle little buggers, and there’s not much grownups can do about it but roll their eyes and cope. So naturally, it is with no surprise whatsoever that we announce that the 8-year-old Saudi Arabian girl who got married last month has now been granted a divorce from her 50-year-old husband.

From the Telegraph:

The Saudi Gazette reported that the marriage of the eight-year-old, who has never been named, was annulled in a private out-of-court settlement between the two families in the city of Onaiza.

Most such marriages are arranged by families in return for money. In this case, the father was said to need to pay off a personal debt to the husband, a friend.

The girl herself has been living with her mother, and was never told that she was married, or of the international controversy her case had provoked.

Just wait till she sues for teddy support!