One of the things I cannot stand are people who think that just because a child is unable to read, that they are given license to dress children in clothing bearing such classy decals as these, from a company called Standard American:

And the winner of the “And You Thought Those Were Bad” Award:

Har-de-har!  That’s a real knee slapper there!  Because child abuse is just so amusing, didn’t you know? Nothing says you are hip and edgy like joking about felony child abuse!

And really, why did they stop there?  Some sort of decency clause in the company mission statement?

I think that anyone who buys something like this and actually expects it to see the light of day needs some serious time on a couch talking about how mommy never liked them best.

Please, please tell me that no one buys these things.  Because I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and very loudly sing, “La la la la la” and hope that this company will soon go out of business. 

One of the timeless traditions of raising children, in this particular case boys, is the legended “annointing” which often takes place when one attempts to change the wee sprog’s diaper. Indeed, unless one is faster with one’s hands than a Vegas card sharp, one is likely to gain unwanted empathy for the daily life of the humble diaper through warm, damp experience.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present perhaps the most awesomest urinary accessory ever in the history of recorded history:

The Pee-Pee Teepee

Changing a baby girl is not all glitz and glory.
Changing a baby boy is an even bigger horror story.
You hold his feet in one hand, and the diaper with the other,
The whole time praying “Please don’t pee on your mother”.

The pee-pee teepee for the sprinkling wee-wee.

All hail The Testosterone Zone for bringing this miracle of technology to our attention. The name of the inventor who came up with this parent-washwater-and-diaper-sparing ecofact is lost in the mists of time, but it should be proclaimed from the highest mountain yea, even unto the lowliest sunken livingroom, for verily, he is a great genius, yo.

Have you ever watched The Price is Right and found yourself cackling gleefully when the overly perky contestant guessed the wrong prices and that poor dude in lederhosen fell off the Alps?

Well then, just picture me with perfectly coiffed grey hair, holding a slim microphone with my pinky sticking out, and a life’s mission to get you to spay and neuter your pets!  Or, if you prefer, big black glasses and a crew cut.  Either way works for me.

Now, I’m going to show you pictures of two similar items, and you are going to use your vast expertise in merchandise pricing to figure out which one retails for less. Finally, an outlet for that precious knowledge, gleaned over countless hours of pawing through racks and scouring internet catalogs.

Or, hey, just take a guess!

One of these baby blankets retails for $42.00, the other sells for $19.95.  Despite what you see in the pictures here, they are approximately the same size, weight, and made out of the same material. And this is where I shake my microphone gently in your direction and admonish you to remember that these are regular retail prices.

Is the cheapie this one:

or this one:

I want your guesses down below in the comments.  Check back on Friday to see if you were correct!

All right, even though Joan is going to hate me for doing this, I have to talk about Halloween costumes.

Why, you may ask?

Because if my grocery store is already setting up their Halloween candy display, that means I am now allowed to broach the subject. And all you moms know that the longer you hold off buying your child’s costume, the more likely it is you will wind up with something that was popular three years ago in a size too small. I speak the truth. It’s ugly and I know you don’t want to hear it, but deep down you know I’m right.

As I was trolling around the vast internets, I saw some truly frightening costumes out there, especially for infants. Like this:

Now, there are almost too many things going on here. I suppose I could do a “Child of the Corn” joke, but I’m sure you saw that coming from a mile away. Actually, I’m kinda speechless. That the model is in fact a doll is totally creeping me out. But in all seriousness, this is not a quality costume, it looks like it was thrown together as a middle school Home Ec project. Scratch that, I am insulting all Home Ec-enrolled middle schoolers. You just don’t want to be forced into buying this because there’s nothing left, do you?

And please, for the love of all that is holy, do not do this to your sweet, precious infant:

Yes, yes, the image is rather grainy, but do you really expect quality photography from a company that suggests you dress your child as a whoopee cushion?

Now, I think I need to do some sort of deep breathing excercises to get the image of that doll out of my brain.

I had always marveled at Mariska Hargitay’s cheekbones, and then when I found out her mother was Jayne Mansfield, it all made sense.

And look at her son, so cute with his blankie!

They are sensibly pushing him around in a McClaren Quest Sport stroller. Mariska has excellent taste, because this is exactly the same stroller I bought for my son when we were ready to move him out of his infant system. She joins Gwen Stefani and Sarah Jessica Parker in sharing my stroller preference. I am such the trendsetter, I know!

I can’t say too many good things about this stroller. It is an umbrella stroller with heft, but not added weight. It has an all aluminum frame construction so it won’t fall apart in a year, and which makes it easy to push around without feeling like you are trying to steer a bus. It turns on a dime, and it is very comfortable for the young ones. It folds up very compactly and have I said already that it weighs practically nothing? I have been known to lug it around by the shoulder strap. With no complaint. At Disneyland no less! And I think I only clipped maybe one or two people with it. Because they weren’t paying attention, of course.

Also, my husband loves it because he is 6’2′ and McClaren strollers were the only ones that made the handles high enough for him to be comfortable pushing it instead of having to walk like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Trust me, he has never been able to use that excuse to not push the stroller.

And speaking of husbands, Mariska’s is sporting some pretty fierce loafers!