Oh what a cutie!

But I must admit my utter shock that with her father being the billionaire CEO of PPR, Valentina is wearing Crocs.

The thing very few people know is (and here I am letting you in on a secret that not even the Bilderbergers suspect) is that the first few generations of video games, the ones that came out in the Eighties most particularly, emitted stronger EMFs than the comparatively less-dangerous games we play now. What does this mean? It means that geeks that were forged in the hot fires of Nintendo radiation remain true. They are the few, the proud, the bearers of anime tattoos based on obscure Japanese myth cycles, retold as graphic novels based on computer games. Not that I’ve dated any.

Oh, perish the thought.

Yes, geeks that had their spiritual birth in that magic time, bathed in the warm glow of the vintage, extra-radiatory cathode ray tube, imprinted for life on those characters and those experiences, and they will NEVER forsake them.

Proof:

There is a T-shirt that is causing practically every parent in the United States to go into paroxysms of outrage.

I present the Twisted Twee Tassel Tee:

You would be correct if you thought those were the type of tassels that most commonly dangle from the chesticles of burlesque performers.

In an interview with ParentDish,  UK-based designer Suzi Warren defended her creation thusly:

“There is nothing very sexy about a baggy, lap neck, long sleeved t- shirt for a 6-month-old. So by embellishing this style of garment with printed nipple tassels, the result is not that the baby becomes sexualized by the tassels, but that the tassels are made benign and silly by the baby. In fact the more inert, innocent and unaware the infant is, the more ludicrous the contrast becomes.”

Call me uptight, but somehow, I’m failing to see the irony.

What I do see is someone who seems perfectly willing to part fools with their dollars.

I know, I know. Because the children’s clothing company Underten is French, I am supposed to fall in love with how wonderfully sophisticated their stuff is, and go on and on about elan or other such things.

And often, that would be true.

But this tee shirt for babies? It is so many kinds of wrong.

Kids today already have a complete underappreciation for the fabulousness that was is Kermit the Frog. He is no longer part of Sesame Street (damn you Elmo!) and you can only catch Kermit’s gentle, philosophizing ways on DVD.

So, why are the French on a campaign to have Kermit scare the bejesus out of unknowing tots? Because Kermit looks completely deranged and like he is ready to bite you. Kermit would never bite you. He would put his skinny green arm around you and discuss the works of Diogenes, but bite? He would sooner have Animal play his head like a drum than bite someone. It just wasn’t his style.

Underten has also changed him from his beloved green to red. We all know that red is the color of anger, and Kermit rarely got mad. Maybe sometimes he didn’t like being green so much, but I don’t think he would have chosen red, either. Thanks, Underten, for making this unflattering choice without his input.

I understand that the ferocious, broken-toothed smile on various icons is a trademark design from Underten.  But if you malign Kermit, you have gone too far.

Free Kermit!

Oh yes she did.

I have a certain pet peeve when it comes to the monstrosities that people voluntarily place on their baby’s head. Yes, you heard right, I HATE infant hair bows for girls. You know, the kind that is attached to a headband.

I mean, don’t infants already suffer enough indignities already, what with all the drooling and burping and pooping in public? Do we really have to subject them to insecure parents placing huge fake flowers on their heads?

And I say insecure because I don’t understand why it is so important that it be broadcast to everyone that your hairless infant is A GIRL THANK YOU VERY MUCH, CAN’T YOU TELL BY THE OBNOXIOUS BOW I’VE PLACED ON HER HEAD? Would it be that much harder to correct someone if they thought she was a boy? With all the pink clothes, baby carrier, and blankets, I’m thinking it wouldn’t be hard to figure out anyway.

I also wonder exactly how long it takes for said infant to rip said bow off, as they don’t exactly look like the most comfortable things in the world. Heck, headbands tend to bug even me after a while, much less a young child who would probably prefer being totally naked all the time in the first place. And usually, my headbands don’t have embellishments that are bigger than my entire head, which is the case for many of the infant bows.

So I’m going to swear to you all right now, I will never place one of those, those, things on my daughter’s head, no matter how many I may happen to get at my shower.

And now that Lady GaGa has adopted the hair bow look, can we please officially proclaim the trend dead in the water?

Guess who is introducing a luxury line of dresses for toddlers in the middle of a recession?

Oscar de la Renta, of course!

According to the article in W magazine, the dresses are in fabrics such as silk and crepe de chine, exactly the kinds of fabrics I want my three year old to wear!

Not that I think there is anything wrong with little girls having pretty dresses. Of course they should have pretty dresses. Just maybe not dresses that cost from $230 to $330. I know that there will always be a class of people who thinks nothing of buying a three hundred dollar dress for their child, it just seems weird when so many people are out of work to purchase something so expensive that will be worn for all of six months or so.

I also think that if I dressed my daughter in something that cost that much money, I would be following her around and perhaps even feeding her myself just to make sure she didn’t get a stain and ruin the dress.

Granted, the end of the piece states that Oscar will be donating $100 from every sale to the Children’s Defense Fund, which is definitely a worthy cause. But I would sort of rather people just donated on their own, you know?

Or, maybe I’m just jealous.

Oh, you say, yet another pairing of a large retailer with a hot fashion designer?  Famous designers Isaac Mizrahi, Proenza Schouler, Viktor and Rolf, Roberto Cavalli, and Proenza Schouler have all teamed up with various clothing stores to produce specialty clothing lines.

But this time it’s strictly for kids!

Stella McCartney, formerly creative director of Chloe, now has her own collections walking down the runway.  And she’s signed on to produce an exclusive line for GapKids and BabyGap, due in selected stores in November of this year.  She has three kids of her own, so at least we aren’t talking about someone who has no idea how infant clothing works.  Or should work, anyway, as in easy diaper access! I don’t care how cute the thing is, if I can’t quickly get to the diaper, the article simply won’t be worn often.

Stella is also known for being eco-friendly with many of her perfume, beauty, and shoe lines, so we’ll see if she includes any organic cotton in the mix.  I have a feeling she will. And if you’re wondering, that’s a Stella-designed T-shirt that Sir Paul is wearing in the picture above.

Here’s what Paul’s daughter has to say about children’s clothing:

“For years now I’ve wanted to create a collection for kids, it’s something I’ve often been asked about. I believe that this one-off collaboration will be a great way for customers to be able to participate in the Stella McCartney brand. I believe that kids clothing should be more accessibly priced, which is particularly important at the moment given the current climate. It’s really exciting for us to do a boys and girls collection for the first time.”

Amen, sister!  Although Stella McCartney’s and my idea of “accessibly priced” might be a wee bit different seeing as how she grew up with a gazillionaire as a father, I’m still really interested to see what the clothes will look like.