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- Part 10
Archive by Author

Friday Caption Contest: Donkey Slippers Edition

Um, wow. I don’t know any kids with a particular thing about donkeys. I mean, they’re not like dinosaurs or horses or robots or other cool things like that. But I suppose if you do happen to have a kid whose every item of clothing must be adorned with donkey ears, these woolenstocks Little Kid/Big Kid Donkey Woogo Slipper Boots would be just the thing to solve the tricksy footwear question.

Captions? Excuses? Donkey stories (keep them clean, please; we are a family blog, yo).

woolenstocks Little Kid/Big Kid Donkey Woogo Slipper Boot

The Not-So-Secret Life of Stage Parents

Andy Williams and the Osmonds

The sorry lives of ex-child stars are the stuff of legend. Now, MentalFloss has uncovered the unique parenting styles that have given the world such delightful trainwreck has-beens as Danny Bonaduce and Gary Coleman, though how they could write this entire piece without a single reference to Michael Jackson has me wondering…

A sampling from the section on Anissa Jones, who played Buffy on Family Affair:

Yes, everyone seemed to love Anissa except her own parents. Her folks had divorced since moving to L.A., and Mrs. Jones took charge of her daughter’s career. She forced an unhappy Anissa to wear baby-doll dresses and style her hair in childish pigtails at the age of 13, simply because she had a lucrative marketing deal to sell a Buffy-style clothing line. When Anissa turned 15, no one in her family remembered to buy her a birthday cake.

Complete Shirt

We’re getting awfully shirty around here lately, and can you blame us, with some of the monstrosities out there? In the spirit of Glinda’s recent posts on dreadful pregnancy tees and haircuts that would work better on tattooed hipsters than innocent children, we bring you these children’s shirts of appalling, nauseating, toe-curling, diabetes-inducing sweetness.

Seriously, they make Cornify look like Nine Inch Nails.

Let us examine only the unicorn offerings; just as with those infamous haircuts, these would be far better on a grown post-punk bassist than on some poor child, whose innate cuteness could never be a match for these masterworks, ripped (apparently) from the sides of the vans of the gayest men who ever discoed their way through the Seventies. And printed on texture-printed cotton tees.

Rainbow Unicorn

Feast your eyes on the magnificence of the Mountain Rainbow Unicorn Tee!

Secret unicorn tee

The Secret Unicorn Tee (not so secret when you wear that around the schoolyard, eh? This really shouldn’t be worn by anyone less butch than Steve Irwin)

Sunlit Unicorn Tee
You can almost hear the Jethro Tull when you pull the inspiring Sunlit Unicorn Tee over some poor little kid’s head. He’ll be the envy of your old D&D buddies for sure!

Kingdom of the Unicorns
Welcome to the Kingdom of the Unicorns! Say hi to Aslan for me!

Mystical Unicorn
I have a sneaking suspicion the Mystical Unicorn is really just some ordinary horse with a fountain behind him. Those photographers are a tricksy bunch!

Majestic unicorn
and, for the teen who hasn’t yet gotten parental permission to get the unicorn of her choice inked into her left shoulder, right hip, or inside ankle, there’s the Majestic Unicorn tank, which I would really much rather see on Madonna with her veins popping out, or perhaps Joan Collins, with leather pants and killer heels. Because why not? She’s Joan Collins; like anyone’s going to say boo to her!

The way they look is the bad news; the good news is, they’re on sale at less than half price, anywhere from $8-$16, and come up to size 16, which most hipsters can fit into, since they only consume calories in the form of espresso and microbrewed beer anyway. So if you have to suddenly outfit your local ageing Hollywood legend, or They Might Be Giants suddenly turns up half-naked in your yard, you’ve got it covered.

Friday Caption Contest Results: Pure Magic Edition

Up here in Canuckistan, it’s Victoria Day long weekend, which accounts for a certain lack of Canuckitude in the comments section over the past few days, but do Yanks and Brits have an exuse? Is it National Wallaby Day in Australia or something? It’s sure quiet around the ol’ TeenyManolo homestead this weekend. Perhaps you were stunned into silence at discovering AwkwardFamilyPhotos (weren’t we all?).

In any case, we do have a winner.

It's magic

Bystander Says:

“They promised me I’d be in Gryffindor!”

Congratulations and imaginary swag to Bystander! In honour of this victory, we present the Blumarine beach haticon, which, while it may not reflect the dominant colour theme here, is surely just as insane and thus, it’s a perfect match!


Pregnancy Bingo FTW!

From the Manolosphere’s old friend Candy Kirby, proud blog mama of the new LaughingStork site, comes Pregnancy Bingo, sure to provide you with hours of embittered fun. Race your equally-pregnant friends to see who can complete a whole row first! While most of these inane remarks have been popular since the invention of language, a couple are more recent; I’m relatively sure the latte remark will date this to future anthropologists as accurately as carbon analysis.

Glinda, how many of these have you got covered so far?

Pregnancy Bingo, fun for the whole family

Celebrity Library Abusers

Sully Sullenberger

Who doesn’t love a hero? Specifically, who doesn’t love Sully Sullenberger, the most heroic hero who ever had an attractively alliterative name? The pilot and safety consultant, also known as the Hero of the Hudson for landing a full airplane on the Hudson river without the loss of a single life, famously called his local library and explained he’d be late in returning some books.

Said books being at the bottom of the Hudson River, in the airplane.

Sullenberger contacted librarians and asked for an extension on the loan and a waiver on the overdue fine. The reason? The book is in the cargo hold of the US Airways plane that made an emergency landing last month in New York’s Hudson River.

Ha, uh, just what we all would have done! And in a sickeningly heartwarming addendum, the book was about “professional ethics.” Good lord in Heaven. Just let us touch the hem of your robes, Sully!

And now, the long-awaited cashing in has begun. Yes, Sully has recorded a television commercial.

For the library.

Oh, and should you or another in your household feel compelled to worship, there’s a free downloadable poster.

Beats the Jonas Brothers, no?

Friday Caption Contest: Pure Magic Edition

My new favorite blog, Awkward Family Photos, is an unending treasure chest of delights, sort of like Mary Poppins’ bag or Mister Dressup’s Tickle Trunk, only with other people’s families in it instead of props and costumes. I can already sense that it will become a regular source of thieved material for the Friday Caption Contest.

In homage to my own light-fingered lifting of the following image, we present a posse of prestidigitators for your perusal:

It's magic!

when Goths come out to play

fail owned pwned pictures

Nowadays, there’s a theme park for every interest group, even Twilight fetishists having a day out with Mona the Vampire.

Mona the Vampire

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