School started for my son on Sept. 4, and as of today, I think he has spent almost as much time at home as he has in class.  He keeps getting sick, and since he complains that he doesn’t like school, I keep having to play an annoying guessing game as to whether he is truly ill or just feels like playing with his pirate ship for the day instead of participating in circle time.

That has got to be one of the trickier things I’ve yet to stumble across as a parent, trying to figure out if your child is really sick or if they simply don’t feel like going to school.

My mother had a very strict policy about staying home from school. Unless you had a very high fever (over 100) or were actively (emphasis on actively) throwing up, your butt was going to be hauled off to school.  And sometimes even then, your odds were fifty-fifty. I was a student who normally loved school, so you would have thought she could have cut me a little slack when said I wasn’t feeling well. Being a nurse, my mother showed no mercy whatsoever, seeing as how she saw truly sick people every darn day young lady, and a kid with the sniffles didn’t qualify as sick in her book.

I was never sly enough to pull any tricks a la Ferris Bueller, so my attendance record was practically flawless.  But the valuable advice I got from that movie will stay with me forever as a parent. Trust me, I am always going to walk into the room instead of hovering at the doorway.  Mark my words.

As my son is still in pre-K, I tend to be a lot more lenient than my mother ever was.  All right, so he will miss out on some painting and reading and social interaction, but there is no letter grade to earn or points to be missed, so for me it is not a big deal. I figure if he was going to fake being sick, as a five year old, it wouldn’t be comprised of such a detailed plan.  It takes a lot of forethought to wake yourself up in the wee hours of the morning to scream that you need a Kleenex. And a cough drop.  And some water…

I have a sneaking suspicion that he is having a hard time adjusting to the new schedule, but then you walk that fine line where they get sicker if you push them. And really, I’d rather have a few hours to myself than listening to him sing “A Pirate’s Life for Me” one more time. I’m selfish that way, I know.  I did that on Friday, and have since been rewarded for my self-centeredness by having a hacking, snotty child less than ten feet away from me at any given moment.

I am very aware that attendance in school is an important part of success. 

But I still have this feeling that my son is going to stay home a lot more than I ever did.

And maybe, just maybe, there will be a few days when we wake up and I suggest, “Why don’t we go somewhere fun today?”

Does that make me a bad mom? Or just a mom who will never have to worry about her son being chased through backyards by a deranged principal?  See, I’ll be doing him a favor.

Look at that other kid over there.  Did his mom not realize that she could upgrade to the all-leather package?  I’ve even got a seat warmer on this thing!

When I was in 3rd grade, I have fond memories of sneaking into my grandmother’s bathroom while she was in the kitchen cooking. Picture a young Glinda opening the medicine cabinet and furtively applying blue and green Avon eyeshadow from pots with her finger, as well as using the Estee Lauder lipstick in “Rosa Rosa.” The effect was probably fairly ghastly, I am sure. But to my young eyes, it was perfection. I would admire my handiwork, such as it was, and then hastily attempt to use a tissue or four to rub all of it off before she got suspicious due to my overlong absence. I can’t imagine that I was particularly successful at erasing everything, but she never said a word.

But that was back in the olden days, when there was no such thing as a cell phone, and Dolphin shorts were considered cool. Today, there are many makeup products made with girls in elementary school in mind. Places like Libby Lu focus on “makeovers” for young girls, doing elaborate glittered updos and braids, as well as a full face of makeup. For the most part, stealth applications in bathrooms are no longer necessary for a young girl.

Because the ever-gracious Annalucia asked so nicely, I will now pronounce the winner of our little guessing game.

It was called “cute, in a blingy sort of way” and “wow, is that bad.”

And that was the positive stuff.

With almost palpable contempt, it was called a “fugly little garment of doom,” “hideous,” and my favorite, “this looks like something a berserk mime would wear.”

Can you tell that it was a big hit?

And what would you say you would pay for the privilege of buying such a garment? A garment with such scorn heaped upon it?

My friends, you would pay a grand total of $119.95. Yes, in US dollars. Amazing, isn’t it? Go ahead and click on the picture if you don’t believe me.

Raincoaster guessed pretty darn close with $125.oo, but the rules state that you must not go over, so by a measly five bucks, she is out. You get the consolation prize of, well, nothing. Sorry!

So with that, the winner of the contest is LauraH with a guess of $89.00. LauraH, you now retain bragging rights. For whatever they are worth, anyway. Which isn’t much really, but let us all give her a collective standing internet ovation!

After featuring the “camouflage ballet flat” post, some readers expressed disbelief that products featuring camouflage existed for young children.

After seeing these next items, you will think that those flats are the ultimate in subtlety. 

For a reason I can’t quite put my finger on, the camouflage bows on the bloomers of this outfit just seem out of place.  I can’t imagine why.  Nothing says hardcore like pretty camo bows!

Do you prefer the challenge of finding your baby via night vision goggles? Then this camo crib set, complete with diaper stacker, is for you!

Want your child to never know the real contents of their bottle?  Use this one for the perfect means of concealment.

And finally, as the wise Raincoaster said, “Anyone who buys a camouflage pacifier deserves to spend most of their time on their hands and knees going “Dammit, where IS it?”

I think I need to borrow this child. Because if I tried to get my son, who is older than the adorable Cruz Beckham, to go around with his collar up, you would be able to hear the protest from wherever you reside. No matter that you live thousands of miles away from me, it might be faint, but you would hear it.  And that sweater tied around the waist? Tossed off in two seconds flat, or possibly repurposed as a cape.  How does she do that?  I would love my son to look that preppy without having to bribe him with something that may or may not include large amounts of sugar and/or money.

Posh, tell me your secrets!  I will be your disciple, I promise!

Just, uh, don’t make me wear sunglasses like that, ok?  Other than that, I’m all yours!

I present the perfect shoe for Daddy’s little girl to wear on that bonding trip to the duck blind. 

Seriously, do people not remember that the purpose of this pattern is to avoid getting shot?  Just because it is everywhere right now does not necessarily make it appropriate for children to wear.

 Say it with me now, “camouflage ballet flat.” That just sounds so wrong, doesn’t it?

My friends, the last challenge I handed down was not a challenge at all.  My pathetic attempts to fool you were for naught. If this was a game show, it would have gone bankrupt because almost all of you savvy shoppers guessed correctly.  All the prizes and money would have been given out on the first round and my butt unceremoniously dumped as emcee.  I would at this very moment be begging for another job as an extra on an F/X television show.

So this time, let’s make it a bit more challenging, shall we?

We are going to play One Bid, and the contestant who guesses the number closest to the regular retail price without going over wins! Only one guess per contestant, please!

Glinda, what do I win, you may ask? Well, for now, it is just bragging rights.  We’re big on bragging rights around here, if you haven’t already noticed.

But let’s see just how good you are this time.

(cue cheesy music, picture a model with perfectly manicured fingers holding this on a hanger, gesturing the way only Price is Right models who were taught at the Price is Right School of Showmanship can)

This all cotton tee is available in girl’s sizes 2-10, and is manufactured by someone who will remain nameless, as you can Google the company and that would be cheating.  Not that I don’t trust you, it’s that gal I don’t trust.  Yeah, you know who you are.  Don’t try and look all innocent.

Now, take your place on Contestant’s Row and let’s begin!