Teeny Manolo

Because we’ve had enough flowers and chocolate!

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller

Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
Ed Asner

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
 Buddy Hackett

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Mothers are all slightly insane.
J.D. Salinger

And I couldn’t resist these, either…

Dictionary of a Mother

Dumbwaiter
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback
The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name
What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Independent
How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Show Off
A child who is more talented than yours.

Whodunit
None of the kids that live in your house.

As the Manolo has predicted, spring shoes are fairly bursting with color.

So that poses the dilemma of what to paint your toesies with.  For some reason, I’m not a big fan of the French pedicure, although I have to say it probably goes with everything. But if it isn’t your thing either, it can be tough to choose a nail color that doesn’t clash badly with a vibrant yellow or pink.

Metallic neutrals are a good answer.  They give a bit of shimmer, a bit of color, but allow your shoes to do the real talking.  And let’s face it, if you’ve spent a lot of money on your shoes, you want them to do most of the talking. Dont’ get me wrong, definitely do your nails, just have them be whispering seductively rather than vying for attention.

These polishes will help you get your shine on…

Dior Golden Nugget is a glittery golden bronze.

 OPI India Collection Charmed by a Snake is a shimmery bronze.

Essie Great Expectations is a sheer grey with subtle glimmers.

Essie Body Language is a shimmery grey with pink undertones. 

As it turns out, Denzel was able to deliver quite the drubbing to Mr. CSI, or Jag, or whatever show Mark Harmon is currently starring in. Denzel garnered almost sixty percent of the vote, leaving Mr. Harmon to languish with a mere forty-two percent.

And once again, my friends, I have slogged through seemingly gazillions of sometimes painful Google image pages, searching for someone who just might have the chops to win over the esteemed Mr. Washington.

And while raincoaster and the ever superfantastic Phyllis had some great suggestions, (I will utilize them, never fear!) I sort of went my own way this week. I admit to having somewhat of a crush on this next contender, even though he isn’t necessarily conventionally handsome. But, as we all know, conventionally handsome does not always translate into hot, and ladies, we’re all about the hot over here.

vs.

George Bush is the greatest president in the history of presidents.

Mission was accomplished.

Toddlers never throw tantrums.

I live in a huge mansion with a cook, a maid, and a butler.

Junk food is good for you and helps you lose weight.

Pamela Anderson is an Oscar-winning actress.

Christian is as straight as a ruler.

The economy is strong.

And Dina Lohan has received a “Top Mom” of the year award.

I am in Bizarro World, aren’t I? 

If you grew up in the seventies, then chances are you had a Garanimals outfit.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I owned more than a few myself.   Er, well, perhaps I should be, but there it is.

If you were not part of our exclusive Garanimals club, allow me to explain the concept.  Garanimals took the children’s fashion world by storm when they introduced the concept of a matching system.  By having labels, usually some sort of jungle animal, kids would be able to dress themselves by simply making sure that the labels were the same for both top and bottom.  If you had two bears, your outfit was a surefire winner!  There was no way you could walk out of the house in an unmatched outfit and embarass your mom!  So, a supposedly idiot-proof system.

Why this concept has not been introduced for men, I am not sure. But, that is entirely a different post probably better suited to a different blog. 

But really, isn’t being able to dress batshit-crazy some sort of three year old birthright?  At that age, it is downright adorable to go grocery shopping wearing an orange striped shirt, red shorts, and a superman cape.  Kids should dress like that as often as they can, because that window of opportunity gets slammed shut around the age of seven or so. At that point, the child will either be seen as destined for fashion greatness or someone who will never get invited to birthday parties.

Apparently the makers of Garanimals decided that a couple decades of freestyle dressing by America’s youth was too much for them to handle. They re-launched the brand in February of 2008, available exclusively at WalMart. Which sort of explains why I didn’t know about it until now.

So once again, children have the opportunity to match zebra to zebra and elephant to elephant! Forget about actually teaching them how to put clothes together, let’s have some faceless corporation do all the hard work for us! But according to Dr. Joyce Brothers, “Garanimals…helps the pre-schooler to handle his/her own wardrobe.” Remember Dr. Joyce Brothers? I thought not. Nothing like trotting out an almost thirty year old quote to inspire brand confidence!

Right now, every web site under the sun is giving out their gift ideas for Mother’s Day.

And really, that’s a tough one because what exactly is the proper gift for someone who took ten months out of their lives to create another human being from scratch?

No wonder people, especially men, scratch their heads and wonder what the heck is appropriate.

I recently got an email that declared the “in” gifts for Mother’s Day were “Blooms and Bling.” Whilst I am the first person on the planet to appreciate alliteration, I disagree.

I mean, flowers are pretty, but they die. Why give something that will be dead in a week to someone who was a virtual giver of life?

As for the bling, I’m sure that jewelry is appreciated.

But I can’t help thinking that there’s something better. Something more suited to the magnitude of the sacrifice. 

I had a high-risk pregnancy that resulted in seemingly endless hours of special tests, ultrasounds, and constant doctor visits. I had gestational diabetes, so I was shooting insulin into my stomach three times a day and eating a relatively carb-free diet. I had to have a semi-emergency C-section, where the nurse failed to give me enough dextrose before my epidural, which resulted in me vomiting throughout the entire birth of my child. Instead of cuddling my new infant post-op, I was rushed to some sort of ICU where my body temperature plummeted dangerously and I lay there drifting in and out of consciousness, shivering for four hours despite the special heated blankets heaped upon me.

What kind of material object could possibly compensate me for all of that? And mine is by no means the worst pregnancy/birth story out there.

Ahhh, now that’s more like it. I think I shall call it St. Glinda’s.

In last week’s poll, I asked “how old is too old for a man to father a child?”  The largest vote-getter was anything over fifty.  Thirty percent said over sixty.  There were also some very interesting and heartfelt comments, and I continally marvel at our readers’ eloquence and honesty. But what else should I expect from the superfantastic fans of the Manolosphere?

Buttering up aside, this weekend I was thinking about all the stuff there is for kids. And I’m not necessarily talking about things to buy, although there certainly is that. Malls have play areas, there are gyms especially for kids, seemingly billions of different camps and classes, DVD players built into cars, and practically every restaurant has a kid’s menu.

I don’t remember any of that growing up.

It’s that time again! When the flowers are blooming, the weather turns warmer, and you can finally kick those kids out of the house!

Here are some fabulous things to keep them occupied through the long summer months…

Megaland I am liking quite a few things about this toy. First, children from 36 months to 8 years can play in it! Now perhaps an 8 year old is too cool to play with it, even if it lasts until 6 years, that’s still a bargain! Also, it can be configured in many ways, so if your kids get bored easily, it can be changed.

Naturally Playful Woodland Climber. Are you a bit weary of your child trying to climb up your counters, cupboards, or onto your sofa? Then this toy just might do the trick. Step 2 makes some great, long lasting toys.

Naturally Playful Sand and Water Activity Center I can speak from personal experience when I say that my son loved this toy. It’s better than a regular sandbox in two ways. 1. They don’t get sand in their pants. 2. They can do what every kid loves to do, mix sand and water, and did I mention not getting sand in every crevice?  Also comes with a lid that stays on tight, keeping out bugs and rain.

Blast Pad Missile Launch System Some rocket launchers are difficult to use, somewhat dangerous, and easily broken. This one beats them all. Not a whole lot of effort to launch, but they go up satisfyingly high!

Ultimate Beach Ball Sprinkler Perfect for those days when you are feeling slightly lazy. Just fill up the ball and let the kids do all the work! Wait, but isn’t that almost every day?  Or is it just me?

Splash Balls Sprinkler Sprays tons of water every which way! More unpredictable (and therefore, better) than the sprinklers that just sort of rotate around in a circle.

Naturally Playful Picnic Table with Umbrella Got one or more kids? Do they have any friends? Then an outdoor picnic table is a great solution to the dilemma of letting dirty kids in the house to have a snack. I also have personal experience with this table, and not only is it “pretty,” it is sturdy and well made. It seems a bit expensive, but it is well worth the money.

Neat & Tidy Cottage Looking for a playhouse, but need to pick yourself up off the floor from sticker shock? This cottage is a bargain for the price compared to other playhouses with similar features. It also has that all-important kitchen.

Radio Flyer Pathfinder Wagon We also own this wagon, and it rocks. Are we noticing a trend, here? Hey, when possible I like to speak from experience. With seatbacks, seatbelts, real rubber wheels and cup holders, this wagon is one sweet ride!

Push Around Buggy If your child is not yet able to propel themselves around in the Cozy Coupe, then this is your solution. Yes, you have to do all the work, but isn’t it worth it? Also comes in pink!

We all know that protecting your skin from the sun will prolong your hot mama years, because those nasty rays do all sorts of unpleasant things to our skin. 

This was unfortunately a lesson learned by me fairly late in life, since when I was growing up, it was fairly common to bake out in the sun using only baby oil.  Ahem.  I’m sure I’ve dated myself on that one, but I do it because I love you and want you to learn from my mistakes.

Therefore, I make sure to use a daily moisturizer that contains at least a 15 SPF. I am all for the highest amount of sunscreen protection possible. But just know that you don’t really get all that much more protection from a 50 sunscreen versus a 30, but you will get a gloppier, goopier product. 30 SPF is apparently the point at which the lotion gets a little gnarly. Thus, you don’t find many daily moisturizers that go above 30.

Here are some highly rated moisturizers, ranging from extremely pricey to not pricey at all.

Pretty darn pricey describes Caudalie Vinoperfect Day Perfecting Cream SPF 15, but I know people who use it who swear by it for their sensitive skin.

Coming in at only slightly less pricey is Clarins Bright Plus HP Protective Brightening Day Lotion Oil Free SPF 20. This is a good bet for combination skin, it is supposed to “rev” up your skin and make it look better.

In the much, much less pricey zone comes Eucerin Extra Protective Moisture Lotion SPF 30. It’s a good, basic moisturizer for sensitive skin that won’t set you back a whole lot, but will still give you the protection you need.

Luckily, one of the top-rated moisturizers isn’t all that expensive, either. Olay Regenerist Regenerating Lotion with UV protection provides broad spectrum protection (both UVA and UVB rays) for less. I’ve used it myself, and it is has a nice light and non-greasy texture.

Forget about questionable teen photos, this week’s big shocker is that Hugh Jackman actually lost last week’s Faceoff. Unable to pull out his sixth win, he lost by exactly one percent according to my handy dandy poll calculator thingy.

But hey, he can feel better knowing that he lost to Denzel Washington, who, I have to admit, is mighty fine.

So this week, in keeping with the hot older dad theme I seem to have going, I have someone I feel is an extremely interesting challenger.

Let’s rumble….

vs.