Is it just me or did this weekend completely zip by? As my daughter is getting older and thus napping less, it seems my spare time has pretty much shrunk to nothing.

Last week I wanted to know how you shop, and 60% of you like to see the things you buy in person. I can totally relate to that, although I will admit that it seems stores are carrying less and less inventory and I am pretty much being forced to shop online for many things. Even though I would buy them in person if I could. Just the other day I was at Nordstrom’s, looking for Philosophy’s Save Me, and they didn’t have it. They had everything else but that. Of course, because that is what I wanted and that is the story of my life.

A couple of weeks ago I had a cupcake from this place, and I was completely underwhelmed. Which got me to thinking…

Oh Jack White, why are you so talented?

Click this link to behold a truly terrifying nursery.

Yup, I too am being asked to bring baby wipes to school.  For my second-grader.

Those crazy teens acting like vampires.  Was I really ever that stupid? Wait, don’t answer that.

Pimp Kitty likes it.

A babysitting job from hell.

Idris, we just can’t get enough of you, it seems!  You sent Lenny Kravitz packing with over 60% of the vote.

Today, since I featured his wife earlier in the week, I might as well put his mug up for review.  And by mug I mean handsome face, of course.   This man is best known as McSteamy, and if you’ve seen any of his gratuitous half-naked scenes in Grey’s Anatomy, you know that the moniker is well-deserved.

VERSUS

Let me clarify, I don’t hate the idea of babyproofing. Who could possibly hate the idea of keeping one’s child from sticking their finger in an electric socket?

No, it’s all of the things that take hold in your paranoid parental mind as you are browsing through the websites.  There are things on there that never even crossed your mind until you saw them staring out at you from the screen.  Then some sort of strange hypnosis happens and your brain starts thinking it’s a good idea to get that “VCR shield.”  And you don’t even HAVE a VCR.

There is nothing more frightening for a parent than thinking their child will somehow harm themselves, and the babyproofing industry takes advantage of that, and then some.  There are a million and one ways to part you with your money, all in the name of safety.  Because no one in their right mind is against safety.

How did the people of the past ever function without toilet seat locks?  Or baby gates?  Or, of course, VCR shields?

Somehow, our species has survived for centuries without them.  People used to regularly have open flame in their homes, for goodness sakes.   Or a horrifically hot stove that was “on” at all times to keep the house warm in the winter.   And yet, here we are.

I’m guessing that there is no substitute for just plain watching your kid like a hawk, as hellacious hard work as that can be. 

So I’m sorry babyproofing industry, you’ve only got me for some outlet covers and a couple of baby gates.

Back-to-school shopping, I hate it.

I have to wander the aisles at Target with my little pre-printed list, wondering why they don’t carry white board erasers, and then wondering some more why I need to buy four of them.

We also had to purchase shoes, and made the trek to a couple of stores, only to find a horrible selection.  And then amongst that horrible selection, hardly any of the shoes were my son’s size, which happens often. He must have been born in some sort of baby boomlet year, because it seems every time I try to buy him clothes or shoes, they are out of his size.

So, I decided to go to Zappos and see what they had there.  They had a much better selection than the stores, and being the magnanimous mother that I am, I allowed my son to choose his own shoes. 

Imagine my surprise when he told me he had found his pair and I looked at them on the monitor.

Here they are:

Your eyes are not deceiving you.  Those are indeed gold sneakers.

Briefly, I pondered what his choice meant, and how it reflected up0n me, but then decided it reflected more upon him and his desire to be cool and “different.”

Once school starts, we’ll see if being “different” gains him accolades or finds him eating alone at the lunch tables.

I’m never alone.

She knows my every move.

Nothing I do escapes her watchful eye.

Whether it’s washing dishes, making lunch for my son, or tending to the plants in the front of the house, she sees it all.

If I leave her field of vision, she gets upset.  Really upset.

Who is this stalker, you ask?  Who is this person who has way too much time on her hands?

Is it my neighbor, who covets my minivan and my lifestyle? Is it a friend, who cuts her hair like mine and steals my clothes?

Nope, it’s the chick sitting over there on the floor, one minute batting her blue eyes and cutely cooing “Ma-mumm,” and the next minute in a fit of true hysteria (today vomiting because she was crying so hard while I had to go the the bathroom, bad mama that I am, with a functioning bladder!) until I am in her sight line again.

Yep, it’s called “separation anxiety” and I think I’d rather have Bridget Fonda trying to take a shot at me.

Well, it seems as if a combination of plot and celebrities is the most popular way to decide if you will spend your hard-earned money at the movie theater. I have a hard time seeing a movie when I dislike one of the main stars (i.e. Julia Roberts, as of this day, I still have not seen Erin Brokovich). The next most popular was from the previews, which doesn’t help me at all because I rarely get to watch television, and I haven’t seen a movie in a theater in ages.

Today I want to talk about shopping. Who doesn’t love a productive shopping session?

It doesn’t necessarily get better when the kids are older. Great.

Some tips on how to save on school and work supplies.

Kids keep getting phones with porn loaded on them. What’s up with that?

Dirty diaper bombs are totally effective.

Three kids and some happy.

Pee-wee Herman is a badass.

Being a parent in America sucks.