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Archive for April 22nd, 2010

Sports Lessons

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010
By Glinda

will ferrell


To wit:

1. There will always be the overbearing parental unit who stands on the sidelines and bellows, “KICK THE BALL, JACKSON, KICK THE BALL!” pauseTHE OTHER WAY, JACKSON, THE OTHER WAY!” pause “DAMMIT JACKSON!”

2. Your child’s interest in the sport will be inversely proportional to that of the coach’s skill level, i.e. your semi-pro Little Leaguer is stuck with a coach that barely knows the names of all the positions, and your lackadaisical basketball player will be hounded by the coach whose last team won the state championship.

3. Someone will always be unwilling to get to know the rest of the parents on the team.

4. One contingent of moms on the team will push for “healthy snacks” because they don’t want their kids “eating that crap” and the other contingent thinks the healthy snacks moms need to lighten up a bit.  Semi-veiled insults from both sides  may or may not ensue.

5. There will always be one mom who takes the after-game-snack to an entirely different level, including, but not limited to: personalized team logo M&M’s, custom snack bags with names done in calligraphy, full sized Gatorade bottles, and a veritable supermarket aisle’s worth of snacks in the bag.

6. Her polar opposite will also make an appearance, bringing only lukewarm water bottles and a single granola bar.

7. There will be at least one kid whose parents never stay for the games or practices .

8. Never sleep with your child’s coach when you’re married to someone else. It makes those pancake breakfasts so very awkward.

9. Your child will be on the team with the worst color uniforms.

10. You will tell yourself that your child’s performance on the field/court doesn’t matter to you.  But it does.

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