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Archive for July 7th, 2009

“I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
By Glinda


Yeah, right.

Because I was tired and bored last night, I somehow found myself watching “Cake Boss” on TLC, which is a misnomer, because I certainly don’t view it as a channel from which you learn anything, unless you have a burning desire to learn about large families, subsequent divorces, and the lives people who work on motorcycles. Interesting as those may indeed be, I’m not sure anyone truly learns anything from them.

Anyhoo, whilst watching said show about a Hoboken, NJ (a world I am tantalizingly unfamiliar with, and which I view as a place as strange and interesting as India) cake baker and his staff, I saw an advertisement for this show, called, rather uninspiringly, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” To which I say, “Excrement from a male cow!”

Having now been pregnant twice, I don’t see how this is possible. There is no way your periods are as heavy as normal, if even you do experience bleeding. Bleeding during pregnancy can happen, but it is not the norm. And what about the kicking? Could anyone possibly delude themselves that a hard kick to the ribs is simply the result of exuberant intestinal activity from the burrito one ingested at dinnertime? What about when the baby “drops?” As my best friend who is also currently pregnant stated, “I feel like my vagina is going to fall out every time I stand up.” How could that ever be considered normal?

Which leads me to the crux of the matter. I think the vast majority of women who “don’t know” they are pregnant are indeed deluding themselves. They are having a serious disconnect with their bodies, and for whatever reason, are covincing themselves that all the very obvious signs are something else entirely. The mind is a powerful thing, and if the brain can have the ability to induce illnesses, then it’s nothing to pretend that isn’t a 5 pound baby inside you.

Because seriously, having a baby is scary. Oh yes, it’s wonderful and miraculous, but for many first time moms, it is as scary as hell. Myself included. Having to contemplate an unexpected pregnancy and the subsequent effect on the rest of your entire life is scary. And it’s much easier to hide your head in the sand than to deal with it. There may be a few legitimate exceptions to this, but there certainly aren’t as many as portrayed on this show. Well, I’m still skeptical about the legitmate exceptions, actually.

So, I won’t watch the show, because the mixture of disbelief mixed in with a small amount of sympathy will be too much for me to bear.

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Alice in Burtonland

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
By raincoaster

The Famille Burton Bonham-Carter

Tim Burton has to be the ultimate Cool Dad. Sure, he doesn’t play football, but you know when you get Guitar Hero for your birthday he’s the one calling his buddies to come and play with you, and they turn out to be, like, Eddie Van Halen and Brian Eno and some cool zombie dude called Keef or something. And when it’s Halloween, you already have all the costumes, right there in your day-to-day wardrobe.

Now let’s walk straight up to that demented wardrobe, the one that probably has Narnia hidden at the back, and go right through the mirror on the front to see what Burton’s cooked up for his “Alice returns to her roots” nightmare of twisted beauty. Definitely not Disney.

Alice is in her cups

Alice is in her cups

We're not in Kansas anymore. Nor Derbyshire either

We're not in Kansas anymore. Nor Derbyshire either

But never mind that, look what they’ve done to everyone’s favorite celebrity dad:

Johnny Depp IS mad as a hatter

Johnny Depp IS mad as a hatter

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