Dr. Laura Thinks All Moms Should Stay at Home
Here comes Dr. Laura and she’s got a new book entitled “In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms.” She’s got some controversial things to say in a new interview with the Wall Street Journal. I think you can guess by the title of the book what those things might entail.
WSJ: At what point do you advise mothers to go back to work?
Dr. Schlessinger: The answer is never. One woman asked me the other day when I think mothers should be home, and I told her, “Whenever your kid is at home.” When [my son] Deryk started kindergarten, it was from 8 to 3. So I arranged to be on the air from 11 to 2. That was it. He always had a mom. Quite frankly, my mom was one of the least warm mommies out there. Nonetheless, when I came home from school, she was always there and it made me feel safe.
Previously here on Teeny Manolo, I’ve tried to avoid the subject of SAHMs vs. Working Moms because I think that it pits women against each other for no good reason. All moms work hard, all moms love their kids.
But I will say that it never fails to amaze me how entrenched both sides are. SAHM’s absolutely think they are doing the right thing, and the perspective from working moms that I hear is that they think they are doing the right thing, too.
As a SAHM (who happens to have a very part-time job writing on this website) I will say that people tend to either see me as an unambitious woman who has no life, or a selfless person who is “giving up” her life to raise her kids. I don’t see myself as either.
I simply see myself as someone who chose the path that was best for me and my child. Do we have a lot less money than we did when I was working? Of course. Do I sometimes chafe at the things we don’t have or the things we can’t do because of that lack of money? Of course.
But at the end of the day, the choice to stay home was the right one for me, and the one that is most beneficial for my son. And as long as every mom at the end of their day can say the same thing, all is good.
Just because I’m working, it doesn’t mean my child will ever come home to an empty house where she will feel unsafe. That will never happen.
One truth is that many families cannot afford to live on one income–a stay-at-home parent is a luxury. Another truth is that many women need to work for their own reasons: they would be bored, frustrated and/or unhappy at home. And a bored, frustrated and unhappy mother is not going to be a good and effective parent.
I wish I could stay home more, that I could work part time, or that I could have taken more time off after my daughter’s birth. But I couldn’t and keep the job I love and need. (Also the health insurance I need.)
We don’t need more women trying to guilt-trip us; modern women and America’s families need real help. We need equal pay. We need real maternity leave and family leave time. We need more flex time. We need safe, affordable child care. We need improved schools.
That is what I am trying to say, that each woman needs to make the choice that is right for her and her family. And if each woman can look in the mirror and honestly say she has done that, hopefully happiness will follow.
I do have to say, though, that I sometimes wonder about the necessity of two incomes. My husband does not make a stratospheric salary by any means, but we have somehow managed on what many people might think we couldn’t.
Many other families I see with both parents working do it to have a lot of “extras” such as granite countertops, expensive furniture, private schools, and fantastic vacations. All of which are indeed nice. But is it ultimately the right choice for your kids? If the honest answer if yes, then so be it.
That being said, we do need more support for mothers who have to work.
Obviously, Dr. Laura a) makes too much money, and b) doesn’t understand that her limited experience does not translate to EVERY OTHER PERSON OUT THERE. I am not well suited to staying at home. I get bored. There, I said it. The dirty secret of motherhood: sometimes it’s boring. I need stimulation. I need something to fulfill that part of me that isn’t a mother, so that I can then focus the rest of me on being a mother. So I work. And I go to school.
I am blessed right now that my husband can afford to stay home full time with our children, and that is working out very well for us. But, even if he had to work, I would NOT stay at home full-time. I would work, part time, or go to school. The SAHM thing is NOT for me. And if I were to hit it big right now? I would still work.
This, I think, is the crux of the argument:
“a bored, frustrated and unhappy mother is not going to be a good and effective parent.”
Whether a woman is bored by staying home or bored by work outside the home, whether she is frustrated by having to breastfeed or by being unable to do so, whether she is unhappy with hospital-based birth options or would be unhappy if they were not available to her- these are all individual decisions. No family, no mother, no child are the same and we need to have solidarity and fellow-feeling towards other Moms who make different decisions than our own.
Unfortunately many women seem take a statement of a decision made by another mother to be a personal indictment of her own choices, and that is just not right. I am grateful to you and to our mothers and to our grandmothers that we live in an age that we can all make the choice that is right for us and not be bound by some kind of one-size-fits-all “correct” path.
Dr. Laura’s interview in the WSJ made me so incredibly angry. The “mommy war” is just so old and tedious, and many of the arguments of SAHMs that Dr. Laura uses are the luxury of middle-class and upper-class women. Working-class women, women whose husbands have low-paying work, single moms, widows, etc. really have no choice.
But what I really want to say is how judgemental and mean other women can be to each other. Most of the time I prefer conversations with men. As Glinda says, everyone makes the choices that are right for them based on their unique circumstances.
I’m glad I found this blog, because the Dr. Laura article was so militant and one-sided. I think all views should be considered.
Glinda, I have to say that this really bothers me:
“I do have to say, though, that I sometimes wonder about the necessity of two incomes. My husband does not make a stratospheric salary by any means, but we have somehow managed on what many people might think we couldn’t.
Many other families I see with both parents working do it to have a lot of “extras” such as granite countertops, expensive furniture, private schools, and fantastic vacations. All of which are indeed nice. But is it ultimately the right choice for your kids? If the honest answer if yes, then so be it.”
I’m in a family where both parents have to work. We live in a tiny 2br place full of hand-me-down furniture, drive old cars, and our fantastic vacations involve camping. To have one stay-at-home parent, we’d be giving up “luxuries” like paying our mortgage and buying groceries. I have a master’s degree, and our combined income places us solidly in the middle class. But with us making equal salaries, neither can support the family as a solo worker. And given the current economy, there aren’t many opportunities for advancement (or for selling our condo and moving to a less expensive area of the country, for that matter).
It breaks my heart that my daughter spends more waking hours with her babysitter than she does with me. Every single day for the past two years, it has broken my heart. I’m happy for you, that you do have the choice. To me, that is the true luxury.
Pepperazi, I was simply being honest about how I felt.
I personally know many women who would never choose to stop working so that they could still have all of their extras. It is simply a matter of what is important to every woman, and to some, it is more important for their kids to go on nice vacations, have private lessons, and attend expensive schools than it is for them to stay home.
Or for others, their nice clothes, cars, and accessories.
I am sorry that you are in a situation that makes you so unhappy. It does indeed suck when one parent wants to stay home but can’t for various reasons, healthcare among them. I agree that everyone should have the choice.
I think you’re giving some women not enough credit, Glinda. As mentioned, many women HAVE to work, particularly in today’s economy. I certainly do. But in cases where the woman could get away without working, some women choose to work because it gives them a lot of personal fulfillment and satisfaction, which they feel will result in them being a happier, more well-rounded mother. Other women choose to work because they feel that it is important to demonstrate to their children that women can achieve professional success.
I don’t doubt that there are some women who work because they want the material trappings that you have described, just as I don’t doubt that there are some women who stay at home because they have no ambition. But I would venture a guess that the “materialistic working mom” and the “unambitious stay-at-home mom” are vastly overestimated in number. I think most mothers, if they are lucky enough to actually have a choice in matters, will choose to do what they feel is best for their family.