Bagging and Sagging
By Glinda
I’ve written about it before, and it looks like I’m going to be writing about it again. I thought perhaps back then it was a toddler-ish phase, but it seems to be here for the long haul.
It’s official. My son hates clothes.
Well, unless they are the baggiest, most unconstructed clothes ever made. He hates pants with a rise that he deems too low, an inseam that is too high, pants with big pockets on the back, shorts that have any type of tailoring, long shirtsleeves that aren’t loose enough to fit a whole other arm into them, wearing a sweatshirt or hoodie over long sleeves, and any other number of things that I don’t know are wrong until he puts them on and has a fit.
I thought that by having a boy, I would be able to throw pretty much anything on him and it would be a go. That was somewhere in the “having a boy” contract, if I remember correctly. I evilly chortled to myself that it was the parents of girls who would have all the fights about clothes. I, however, was on easy street.
Instead, I have this child of mine who literally screeches in protest that he WILL NOT WEAR THIS (insert name of offending item)! I CAN’T MAKE HIM keep something on that is BUGGING HIM!
The kid has a point, to be sure. Now that he is plenty old enough to dress himself, I don’t fancy myself wrestling a six year old over a pair of shorts. I really do try and pick my battles, and forcing him to wear clothes that chafe or whatever seems like a stupid one.
So I figure I am out probably at least a couple hundred dollar’s worth of clothes for this season that are awarded the title of UNCOMFORTABLE!
I see a future filled with baggy, loose clothing that only a pro basketball player could love.
Sigh.
January 15th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
My big girl (she turned 3 just a couple of weeks ago) is going through a several-month-long phase of not wanting to get dressed in the morning. In the beginning it was cute when she would look at me and coyly say “Mommy, I no need to get dressed. I already dressed” and giggle in her pajama-ed glory. It gets less funny every day.
We’ve tried the only-two-things-to-choose-from route to no avail-
-Mommy: J, do you want the pink shirt with the heart or the green shirt with the butterfly?
-J: NONE!
We’ve tried the no-choice option-
-Mommy: Ok, fine, if you can’t decide, Mommy will decide for you. Let’s put on the pink shirt.
-J: I no want that one, its TOO PINK
(OK WAIT A MINUTE HERE: since when has anything been TOO PINK for a three year old? GRRR)
Followed by the none-of-the-above option-
-Mommy: Ok, then we’re wearing this striped shirt, and that’s the end of it.
-J: I no WANT that one, its TOO STRIPY
Usually it winds up that she’s shoved bodily into the first thing to hand, and I’m really getting tired of it. I’m trying not to let her get too much attention out of it, not let it turn into a power play, but it’s rough going at 7:30 am and we really need to leave the house NOW and no one but Mommy is dressed yet…..
January 16th, 2009 at 3:50 am
At the risk of being that woman who gives advice where none was sought, I’ll recommend certain chapters of Stanley Turecki’s The Difficult Child and also similar material covered in the more recent, differently authored, Raising Your Spirited Child: basically, some kids nervous systems’ are wired such that they are much more sensitive to certain things, like the feeling of clothing on skin, than most people. They may find heavy cotton too rough. They may hate to wear shoes and/or socks. They can never wear something with a tag sewn in, because the tag bothers them.
I always thought this was crap until one day when I opened my sock drawer and saw the countless pairs of socks in there that I don’t wear because I hate the way they feel on my feet. I intensely dislike the construction of almost every single sock I’ve ever owned, and some are so bad that they actively distract me from whatever it is I’m doing if end up wearing them anyway. (Don’t ask me why I’ve kept all those socks I hate wearing; it’s too big an investment to just get rid of brand-new socks…) Anyway, my daughter’s the same way about her socks, and I totally understand because I’m the same way. Doesn’t make it easier to buy socks, though.
So that may be what’s going on with your little guy — you may try softer fabrics or a different fabric softener or tagless clothes. The books have some good recommendations. One angle you can (and probably should) take is that his clothes must be safe, and if they’re too baggy, it’s too easy to trip or for them to get caught in things, or for too-long sleeves to get extra dirty and thus extra germy… ick. Not to guilt trip him or anything like that, but to give him a real and valid reason to try to overcome his natural tendencies.
My kids wanted to be naked for a while, or underwear people. I told them that was OK at home, but if they ever wanted to go out of the house, they had to wear clothes because going undressed is unacceptable in our society. (It is, btw, also unacceptable to go out in pajamas unless you’re sick and going to the hospital or doctor.) As members of society, we follow those rules or face the consequences of being seen as rude and uncaring or just plain stupid. Most children understand that these societal rules exist and also the importance of following them; they do not wish to be perceived as rude (“I don’t care”) or stupid (“I don’t understand”). There are several angles you can work here, but mostly you just need to wait it out because at that age they’re growing so fast, most phases only last about 3-6 months, anyway.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:19 am
It’s quite shocking how badly some kids clothing is made. That invisible thread stuff is everywhere, and nothing is more irritating.
On the other hand, I still dress like your son, and look at how I turned out! I’m a blogger!
Oh. Right.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Completely in agreement with Joan H – if I purchase anything that has a tag, it gets cut out the moment I get home. My boys are the same way. My youngest went through a stage of wanting nothing more than sweatpants and a t-shirt, though for him it was a matter of not wanting to spend the time to find anything else because there were much more exciting things to do outside and about. He may not have been stylish but he was decently covered.
There is hope – most of them start paying attention to style as they get older. Not in the “must be in fashion” sense, more in the “need to look GOOD for the ladies” sense. Yours, too, may get to that point eventually.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
My son just turned six and has been surprisingly, remarkably picky about his clothes since he was old enough to voice an opinion. We live in Southern California so we are pretty lucky as it hardly gets more sartorially relaxed than this, 99% percent of the time. And I am especially grateful to not have to wrestle him into boots/scarves/hats/mittens/long underwear and all the other accoutrements required in colder climes.
I have found by putting him in the softest cotton boxers and white cotton t-shirts as a base layer under everything (no matter how hot it is) we avoid a lot of the clothing arguments we’ve had in the past. The inxpensive, boring plaid 3-pack boxers from Hanes are the softest and lightest.
I think the smartest thing we’ve done is keep his dress-up clothes so far to date as essentially the same outfit year after year, (just replacing it with larger sizes) keeps it familiar. When we do have to dress up, he knows that he can complain all he wants but he WILL wear those clothes and doing so will not cause him to die. Khaki trousers or shorts if it’s really hot, a button-down shirt, a sweater vest and bucks have proven appropriate for virtually any event, all year round, from weddings to christenings to the Nutcracker to the school concert and they’re not SO different from his regular clothes.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
@mini_pixie- Unfortunately, it sounds like your daughter has a case of “3-itis!” I personally thought the threes were worse than the twos ever were.
@JoanH- What?! Are you calling my kid a problem child?
Kidding, kidding! I appreciate your input and advice! I’ve heard good things about that second book, and I should probably go to the library and give it a look-see. Although the thing that irks me is that sometimes it is clothing he has worn before, but suddenly decides he doesn’t like it. Is it a power struggle or a sensitivity issue? Inquiring minds want to know. Mainly mine.
@Carol- The ladies are my only shot, I think.
missm- I hear ya, sister. I live in SoCal as well, so the whole long sleeve and/or formal dressing thing is something I don’t have to deal with a whole lot. There’s something to be thankful for, I guess. However, I even buy the cotton boxers that have the cushy felt lining around the waistband for my borderline obsessive-compulsive son, so I really feel I’m pretty accomodating. Although you would never know it from our fight this morning before school.
January 17th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I was also going to suggest clothing sensitivity. I know several people whose boys can’t stand tags, tight fits, buttons, collars, etc. Do you have him try things on before you buy? I know that’s more of a hassle, but maybe that would help eliminate the truly uncomfortable clothing and would help you determine how much of this is a power play (if it is, or partially is).
January 19th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Glinda: I’m with you that the 3s are way worse than the 2s. But the time they are 3, they are incredibly articulate and know their way around an argument, having practiced the entire year they were 2. Or maybe that was just mine.
I liked the Spirited Child book, but I found it to be a more touchy-feely presentation of everything in Turecki’s book. Either one is great, and were relevatory to me — I had no idea of just how different, and how sensitive, kids (anyone, really) could be. One thing I liked was Turecki’s discussion of tantrums (aka power struggles) and his advice on how to deal with them. The first thing to do is to distinguish between manipulative tantrums and temperament tantrums — if the kid’s manipulating you, there are strategies you can take, but if the kid is freaking out because that’s just the way he is, those same strategies are not going to help and may in fact bite you in the butt. I learned this the hard way with my oldest — the standard “ignore them while they’re tantruming and they’ll soon give it up” just didn’t work on him at all. He had no idea how to stop freaking out, poor thing, and I literally had to teach him how to calm himself down. Both books give you clues on how to figure out what’s really going on.
Turecki advocates setting limits with sensory-overload kids: I will retie your shoes three times, but that’s it; you can try on two other shirts, but that’s it; etc. This shows that you understand the problem but the child also has to make concessions to the time pressures of life and other responsibilities. If it’s an article of clothing he has worn before, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not bothering him now, but it does demonstrate he can wear it if he really has to, and sometimes, he really has to. It took quite a bit of attitude shift on my part to really “get” what Turecki was saying but once I did it improved our family life and reduced the number of arguments over stuff that was part of my son’s temperament and not him trying to jerk us around. The advice common to both books really helped me to become a more patient person, which is something I continue to appreciate. 🙂
January 20th, 2009 at 12:39 am
I don’t know what kind of weather you have where you are, but in case it’s simple: At my daughter’s 6 year old checkup, I mentioned the same issue with her (she in particular hated all underpants, flat seamed, tagless, didn’t matter. as well as all her pants and shirts) The doc asked if it had been an issue since she was really little because most nervous system stuff shows up fairly early. It hadn’t. So she suggested that it might be my daughter’s tendency to have dry skin exacerbated by the cold, dry winter weather we’ve been having. It is unbelievable what a difference lotion has made. She still has issues with “high” pants – anything at her natural waist, but by and large things have been incredibly better. Might be worth a bottle of Eucerin to find out! Good luck.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Wow, what an interesting contribution! That’s a really good doctor you’ve got there.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:39 am
Elizabeth, I will definitely give it a shot! If your solution helps us out, I will send you a bottle of Eucerin in thanks!
And I agree with raincoaster, it sounds like your doctor has lots of experience and good ideas.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Also check to see if metal is touching his skin. Nickel allergies run in my family and my niece went clothes crazy. The grommets and zippers made the poor kid itch like mad.