Saint Mom
By GlindaMany saints suffered horribly before they were canonized, and some moms seem determined to make their case to the Pope. All that’s left is the performance of a miracle. However, on some days it’s miraculous that our progeny is still alive at the end of the day, so they might have a point there. But I’m going somewhere with this, trust me.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I watch Brothers & Sisters. I know, I know. It’s cheesy and soap-opera-y, which makes it worse because it truly isn’t trying to be either. It is supposed to be a drama, dammit. With dramatic, sweeping moments and dramatic, sweeping themes. Respect them! Do not lump them in with Desperate Housewives! Ignore the fact that it comes on right after! And even though I loathe the walking, talking, toothpick that is Calista Flockhart, there is something about the show that compels me to watch it every week.
One of the biggest story arcs of the series is that Nora, the matriarch of the family (played by Sally Field, and you can’t have more dramatic street cred than an Oscar, can you?) has long put her family first and with her kids grown up and her husband dead, is trying to find herself and her place in the world.
I don’t like it.
In fact, I don’t like it at all when women who have been stay-at-home mothers play the whole “I don’t know who I am any more” martyr card when their children no longer need them as much. The deep mournful sighs, the jagged crying into cupped hands, the irrational behavior. It’s a bit much, methinks.
You didn’t “lose” yourself. You were there the entire time, right?
Seriously, though, your life may not have turned out the way you thought it would, but you were no more or less yourself for putting your kids first. Being a mom is not supposed to be this huge burden which creates an existential crisis which you take years to recover from! Did you make choices you regret? Well guess what, we all do! Even people who don’t have kids look back at their lives and wonder what happened sometimes.
So, enough of the martyrdom, please. If you want to see what a real martyr is, check out St. Refka. And if you think taking care of your kids can top being thrown into boiling water and being squashed by large wheels, then state your case in the comments.
January 14th, 2009 at 2:06 am
Amen to that! I choose to have hobbies and interests outside of my family. If you make that a priority then it will happen, but if you allow your family to overwhelm who you are, then it is your choice to do so.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I agree wholeheartedly. The responsibilities of motherhood are immense, but I think that you owe it to your spouse and to your children to be a well-rounded person with your own interests. Nobody wants a self-pitying slave as a parent.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I think you are all forgetting the generation this woman is coming from. In the world today women are encouraged to live outside the home and enjoy a very full life, but that hasn’t always been the case. I know any number of women who gave their lives to their kids and home, only to suddenly find themselves at a loss when the kids are gone and they have nothing to fall back on.
I’ll bet there are far more women like this than you realize. It’s sad and may seem like a stupid attitude, but they probably watch this show and think “at least I’m not the only one”. Have pity for the poor women who never knew they COULD have another life.
January 14th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Bellamama, I understand what you are saying.
I mean, technically I am one of those women, at least for now. But it isn’t some sort of big surprise that your kids grow up and away, is it? You can’t stand there and say, hey, nobody told me about that part! That is your job, to raise self-sufficient, productive members of society.
And a woman who lives her entire life for her kids is shortchanging not only herself, but her kids as well.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
That sounds like my step-mother, who left my father after 14 years of being a mother and caregiver to other people’s children. She always maintained that all she ever wanted to be was a mother until one day she changed her mind, became a police officer, and decided that she’d be joining the National Guard. Somewhere in there, she flew the coop. From my limited perspective — I live states and states away — it was bizarre. I’m sure it made perfect sense to her. Unfortunately, it was siblings who really suffered.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Easy to say for you people who have young kids and whose degrees are still relevant. My liberal arts degree from 1984 isn’t too desired after 25 years out of the work force (apart from part time work while raising children). Let’s see how you feel about this topic when you, too are deemed irrelevant after raising children for 20+ years. I started a new career once my kids started elementary school (still, part time) and have worked all these years, something I’m good at, and will probably expand on it once the younger one graduates high school in two years.
I’m no where near the generation portrayed by Sally Field’s character but I can relate to her situation. And I kind of resent the martyr label.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
That’s what Glinda is saying: the martyr label is self-imposed.
Liberal arts degrees were never the kind of thing to really dress up a resume, so I can’t say that yours is out of date. Has Milton been writing much recently? As a comparative folklore major, I know what I’m talking about here.
What HAS changed is the idea that education is a lifelong process; that’s new, and it’s very healthy. You can always take refresher courses, either for credit or not.
In previous generations women whose children had left turned to volunteerism to “fill the gap” and very good for their communities that was. Given that the recession is really starting to bite in some communities, it seems there will be no shortage of opportunities to volunteer, and thus these women need never feel unwanted or unnecessary.
January 15th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I haven’t seen Brothers & Sisters, so my comments are general to the idea of saying goodbye to the child-rearing years.
Life has a way of dealing out surprises. Each generation prepares for the future based on past experience, and then the future spins off some unforeseen scenario that makes those preparations inadequate, kind of like everyone’s retirement account, and there you are, unprepared.
And the upcoming generation will think you’re some kind of idiot or wuss or whiner because you weren’t ready. Consider this neither a curse nor a complaint, merely an observation, and perhaps a warning.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Why reach so far back as the good St. Refka? A bit closer to home (for both the Americans and the Canadians) are the North American Martyrs. The night before my son was born, I was kind of frightened of the pain of labor, so I boned up by reading about these guys and figuring that as bad as giving birth might feel, it wouldn’t be as awful as having your thumb bitten off. And sure enough, when it was all over I had both my thumb and a sweet new baby. And no one is going to canonize me any time soon.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:01 am
Being a mom is not supposed to be this huge burden which creates an existential crisis which you take years to recover from!
It turned out to be an existential crisis for me because I worked for so many years before I had kids. I love staying home with them, but even after 10 years, I’m still not OK with the idea that I’m not working (much) or making any (much) money. I’ve done a lot of work, actually, and my resume would look pretty good, but that’s not the point. The point is somewhere between college and managing a project team, my sense of self-worth got tied into what I was earning because that’s a much easier benchmark than what I was doing. I value what I’m doing infinitely more, now, but the lack of earning still rankles.
I never really got over it until my kids got old enough for me to get back to work part-time. I also got my irrelevant degree in 1984, but didn’t have kids until 12 years ago, so I still have a ways to go before I’m comfortable working more hours. But even working a little has helped me tremendously. It’s ass-backwards to count the money as worth more than the mothering, but it’s so deep in my wiring I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change it.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:06 am
How do’ folks.
The raincoaster informed me that I should post a comment that I posted on her blog recently, but she didn’t say where exactly I should do such an abhorrent thing. But I pay attention.
When rainoaster says “JUMP,” I say “WTF FOR?”
Anyway, here’s the comment she suggested I post, and I don’t know if it’s related to your post or not as I haven’t read your post just yet. I’ll get to it soon.
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“In theory.
Once married, the husband takes over the role of pursuing greedy materialism to finish out the nest, and the wife, after a year or so, takes up the task of insane screeching. Then a velociraptor or two are hatched and everything balances out, except for the insane screeching, which is provided by the velociraptor(s).
Once the velociraptor(s) are grown and gone, the wife takes over the insane screeching duties again, and the husband takes up gardening and joins the NRA.”
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January 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Bunk is joshing. He always knows where to put it.