Many saints suffered horribly before they were canonized, and some moms seem determined to make their case to the Pope. All that’s left is the performance of a miracle. However, on some days it’s miraculous that our progeny is still alive at the end of the day, so they might have a point there. But I’m going somewhere with this, trust me.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I watch Brothers & Sisters. I know, I know. It’s cheesy and soap-opera-y, which makes it worse because it truly isn’t trying to be either. It is supposed to be a drama, dammit. With dramatic, sweeping moments and dramatic, sweeping themes. Respect them! Do not lump them in with Desperate Housewives! Ignore the fact that it comes on right after! And even though I loathe the walking, talking, toothpick that is Calista Flockhart, there is something about the show that compels me to watch it every week.

One of the biggest story arcs of the series is that Nora, the matriarch of the family (played by Sally Field, and you can’t have more dramatic street cred than an Oscar, can you?) has long put her family first and with her kids grown up and her husband dead, is trying to find herself and her place in the world.

I don’t like it.

In fact, I don’t like it at all when women who have been stay-at-home mothers play the whole “I don’t know who I am any more” martyr card when their children no longer need them as much. The deep mournful sighs, the jagged crying into cupped hands, the irrational behavior. It’s a bit much, methinks.

You didn’t “lose” yourself. You were there the entire time, right?

Seriously, though, your life may not have turned out the way you thought it would, but you were no more or less yourself for putting your kids first. Being a mom is not supposed to be this huge burden which creates an existential crisis which you take years to recover from! Did you make choices you regret? Well guess what, we all do! Even people who don’t have kids look back at their lives and wonder what happened sometimes.

So, enough of the martyrdom, please. If you want to see what a real martyr is, check out St. Refka. And if you think taking care of your kids can top being thrown into boiling water and being squashed by large wheels, then state your case in the comments.

You may recall, if you are possessed of a decent memory or just patience enough to scroll to the link which raincoaster will inevitably supply, the recent ban on the sale of toys that have not been tested for lead or pthalates. Mighty was the outcry among toy companies both small and large, and hideous indeed were the wailings of shops dealing in second-hand items. There was lamenting, and the rending of garments (non-returnable and made in China) and the toysellers of the nation believed themselves accurst.

That’s not your problem.

Your problem is…that funny-looking toy sitting quietly in the corner: is it invisibly emanating pthalates all over your family when your back is turned? Perhaps lead-shedding? Without a budget for lab testing, how can you ever know?

Well, there’s hope. A paladin has ridden in to possibly take some of the potentially-poisonous playthings off your overloaded hands.

The unequivocally-named We Want Your Toys is your knight in shining (but presumably cleaned with biodegradeable products) armor.

If you are finished with any of these toys we want to buy them from you.
Please email us low resolution photographs that show the condition of your toys along with your shipping address and if we can use your toys we will send you a check, packaging and prepaid postage.

And they will use those toys to make funky, postmodern furniture, like the glass-topped table made out of plastic duckies and sharkies. Presumably, artsy, postmodern glass-topped tables are less likely to be found in the vicinity of children, and certainly they’re less likely to be found in the vicinity of intelligent parents like you.

These are the first generation prototypes of high technology
scavenging of recycled plastics for furniture. The Recycled
Toys are laser scanned and digitized into a computer, they are
designed and arrayed like bricks, their intersections are
defined as cutting paths, and a robot cuts their joints and
connections with precision. They are then welded together
with a tool used to repair car fenders

The toys in which they’re interested are all plastic moulded rocker toys:

• Little Tikes Rockin’ Puppy
• Little Tikes Classic Whale Teeter Totter
• Big Toys Duck Kickboard (looks more like a platypus to me, though!)
• Big Toys Shark Kickboard
• and last but not least, the Chicco USA Rock ‘n Roll Eggplant

Seriously? Rock ‘n Roll Eggplant? People buy eggplants for their kids to ride on? Where is your PRIDE, people? Where is your sense of HISTORY? Come on, if the poor kid is growing up to be vegan, isn’t that punishment enough?