A few weeks ago, I was helping the Munchkin get ready for school. Combing his hair, to be exact, and trying to get his bedhead hair to lie flat instead of sticking out of his head at ninety degree angles. The child has a serious talent for bedhead. If they had awards for it, he would totally win first place.

As I’m combing, he says to me with a glint in his eye, “Oh, you are hurting my hair (dramatic pause) Glliindaa.”

Now the Munchkin had a brief fling with calling me by my first name about a year and a half ago, which was promptly squashed.

But this time, he was truly having fun with seeing me taken aback a bit.

I steeled myself. Glinda, I told myself, these are the times that try mother’s souls. Just ignore it. Pretend you don’t care one way or the other. He’ll forget about the whole thing soon enough if you do.

He said my name a few minutes later, pronouncing it with utter glee.

Forgive me fellow mothers, for I am weak. Learn from me and my rookie mistakes.

“Do you happen to know that you are the only person in the whole universe that can call me Mommy?” I wheedled said. “Mommy is such a special name and Glinda is such an ordinary name. I think you should call me Mommy.”

Having exposed the soft underbelly of my need, my son has ruthlessly exploited it. He calls me Glinda every chance he can get, even writing me notes with the header “To: Glinda” like I’m his freaking business associate or something.

Although the other day, he was mad at me for having the audacity to tell him to pick up his toys, and icily addressed me as “Mother.” I have no idea where he got that from and wasn’t expecting it for at least a few years.

And I’m not sure which is worse.

Wrong:

Right:

Budding barfly Allanah Earley of Durham, Connecticut, is being held on a $10,000 bond on charges of endangering a minor. The specific offence?

Breastfeeding while intoxicated!

From WFSB:

Police said Allanah Earley, 36, brought the baby to the Eagles Club on Stack Road Friday evening. They said while at the bar, Earley had seven drinks. They said she then wandered out into the cold with the baby, and eventually brought the child to a friend’s house, where she had more drinks. Police said Earley then breast-fed the 3-week-old infant while still intoxicated.

Police said friends at the bar called police because they were worried about Earley. When officers arrived, police said Earley was unable to stand upright and was near-combative with officers.

Well, first of all that kid should have been carded!

Also, as a woman not-unacquainted with the effects of 7+ drinks, and equally not-unacquainted with the task of caring for an infant (well, maybe not equally but I’ve cared for a solid six-pack of infants in my time and that doesn’t even count the frat boys) I think I can say with a certain degree of authority that while it may make the process somewhat more carefree for the moment, in the long run it’s a bad move, particularly for those who choose to breastfeed.

A baby waking you up every four hours is one thing. A baby waking you up every four hours when you’re hungover is another. And a hungover baby waking a hungover you up every four hours is the level of Hell of which Dante was too frightened to write.