Inner dialogue of bodyguard:
Do you know the kind of training I’ve had?
Do you?
I’m an expert marksman, a third-degree black belt in karate, and a former Olympic wrestler.
I can kill a man with my bare hands.
At bodyguard school, they said I was the best there ever was.
And here I am. Carrying a bald baby doll and a stuffed giraffe.
I hate my life.
I know these things are mindless, automated random answer generators, but I can’t help but look over my shoulder when I see a result like this:
What Your Halloween Habits Say About You |
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No one quite understands you, but everyone also sort of worships you. And that’s exactly how you like it. Your inner child is stubborn and a bit bossy. You truly fear the dark side of humanity. You are a true misanthrope. You’re prone to be quite emotional and over dramatic. Deep down, you enjoy being scared out of your mind… even if you don’t admit it. You are a traditionalist with most aspects of your life. You like your Halloween costume to be basic, well made, and conventional enough to wear another year. |
It’s eerie, I tell ya. Except that last part. This is the costume I’m making for myself this year…a classic? O R’lyeh?
1. Assure your little one that they are the sun, and everyone else, including you, are merely insignificant planets that revolve around them.
2. Give them everything they want as soon as they want it.
3. Let them win every game they ever play against you.
4. Excuse their misbehavior.
5. Never follow through with a threatened consequence.
6. Provide them with no structure.
7. Be a bad example and expect them not to follow it.
8. Allow them to hit you.
9. Be their “friend,” not their parent.
10. Be quick to anger, slow to show affection.
Now, it’s your turn! Fire away at will!
Yes, it’s a double-header of caption contest winnings, which you may or may not know is the traditional way Canadians celebrate our Thanksgiving. Yes, all over the True North people are caption contesting just the way the pioneers once did, only they had to use daguerreotypes and, for the poorest, shadow puppets.
Our first winnah:
dakota Says:
October 13th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Evan returned with his load of nutritious English children hoisted overhead, proving to his tribe once and for all that he was a mighty fisherman.
Congratulations and imaginary swag to dakota! What shall we hypothetically present for our virtual swag ceremony? How about this snazzy fisherman’s float bracelet from D&G?
And our second contest of the week:
gamma Says:
October 8th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Pimp children come second.
Congrats and imaginary swag to gamma, who can now be considered the Miss Manners of the sex trade. Whether or not this goes on her resume is, however, another matter. And what supersexy imaginary swag do we have for her? How about this swanky Prada shoulder bag to twirl enticingly on the end of its chain (or not).
Well happy Monday to you! If there is such a thing, that is.
Last week I asked what kind of shoe you like to wear on a daily basis, and ballet flats edged out sneakers and sandals by a mere one percent at twenty. And the poor stiletto is taken out on date nights only, it seems.
I seem to find myself wearing all three of the top choices, but I’d have to say that some of my sneaker-ish shoes are actually Mary Janes, so that confuses things. And dude, I am so easily confused.
But, there should be no confusion as to this week’s poll. I want to know what you think of the latest W cover, shot by Brad Pitt himself. I’m guessing either you like it, or you don’t. I deliberately chose to give you no wiggle room, either. Waffling not allowed!
One of our most popular posts is Glinda’s paen to the Empress of Lucite, Shauna Sand. And so, it seems fitting to honour her once again with a post one year on. Lay your eyes on this, and realize that the stunningly elegant Empress of Lucite chose to wear a puffy parka on an LA day hot enough that the children she was accompanying wore capris and belly shirts.
Shaedenfreude is a beautiful thing, my friends.
Yes, it’s only October.
But everyone knows that the tradition of getting the Christmas toys early, hiding them, and having the kids secretly attempting to find them is a classic. And, it can’t be done unless you are out there early! The other upside to getting all that shopping done is more time to get into the Christmas spirit, rather than running around the stores like a headless chicken!
This week I’m featuring toys that are for both boys and girl, and are hot, hot, hot in 2008. In the coming weeks, I’ll also provide special editions for “boy” and “girl” toys.
Looking for the hottest “girl” toys? Go here!
Looking for the hottest “boy” toys? Go here!
Looking for some great video games? Go here!
Elmo Live The most lifelike Elmo ever made! His mouth opens and closes while he is talking. He sits, dances, and waves his arms as he sings and tells jokes. Toddlers everywhere will love this newest Elmo.
Nintendo DS Lite This is one of the holiday’s most wanted toys! Smaller and lighter than the original DS, this revolutionizes game play with with ultra-bright dual screens, adjustable backlighting, stereo sound, and touch-screen technology. Connect wirelessly to Nintendo’s WiFi Connection and play against someone on the other side of the room or the other side of the world! Available in many different colors.
KidiArt Studio on sale! Hook this up to the television or the computer to enhance the experience of this digital camera. Kids can do basic art lessons, add and edit photos, and even create stop-motion animation!
U-Dance No mat necessary! Instead, you hook an innovative, customizable band around your shoes and get ready to execute almost any dance move you can think of!
Rock Band for Xbox 360 and Rock Band for Playstation 2 and Playstation 3 These special editions are fun for the entire family. Expensive? Yes. Entertaining? Absolutely! With a playlist ranging from Smashing Pumpkins to the Beastie Boys, everyone will indeed be rocking out.
Monopoly Here and Now World on sale! A world wide vote determined what cities would be included on this game board. There’s no telling which exciting, exotic locations you will own! Also comes with Monopoly “credit cards” and digital banking device that keeps track of your balance.
EyeClops Bionic Eye on sale! Forget stationary microscopes, kids can use this portable one to examine anything and everything up to 200X magnification! You can also plug it into the television to see it on the big screen!
LeapFrog Didj Custom Learning Gaming System Taking the popular portable Leapster to the next level. It offers a computer interface to continue the learning online. Also has customizable characters, backgrounds, animation, music, and more!
Fun-2-Learn Computer Cool School Preschoolers will love this keyboard built just for them! Includes a stylus, writing tablet and software. Leo the Lion takes them on fun adventures in reading, writing, math, art, music, and science.
Webkinz Ganz Large Fantail Goldfish Your young one may already have one of these, but do they have this new release? Instead of just a regular old room, the Goldfish will get you an underwater one! If you approve of safe online game play, the Webkinz are some of the best bargains around!
ME2 It works like a pedometer, but awards points for physical activity that can be redeemed for virtual goodies. Kids can also compete against other kids and enjoy an ME2 online universe.
Fur Real Friends Biscuit With lifelike sounds and movements, you will almost be convinced that you’ve got the real thing! Except, no vet bills, animal dander, or cleaning up after. I’m sold!
LeapFrog Tag Reading System Watch as books come to life! Using the Tag Reader, cool sounds, character voices, and music are added to literary favorites such as The Little Engine That Could.
Martha Stewart is my favorite felon. Not only did the woman come second in the highly competitive cell decorating contest at Camp Cupcake, but she never lets anything phase her, whether it’s hard-line questioning from District Attorneys, gooey come-ons from Conan O’Brian, or mere questions of taste.
See for yourself! Here is a snippet of Martha’s show from October a couple of years ago preparing for Thanksgiving (either she really thinks ahead or she was pandering to the Canadian viewers in hopes of obtaining long-denied permission to enter the country). Note that her mouth-watering food-themed centerpieces were fashioned from the finest fabrics, hypoallergenic stuffing material, and fresh, innocent babies.
from the Hater:
I don’t know why this video is so creepy. Well, actually, I know exactly why this video is so creepy: it features overhead shot after overhead shot of a table full of babies dressed like over-sized food products, their chubby arms and legs squirming beneath the giant foodstuffs that have become their prisons.
I suppose there are worse fates.
