Well has the eloquent Glinda pointed out the sheer wrongitude of allowing (or, Cthulhu forbid, encouraging) your pre- or barely-pubescent daughter to dress up like some sort of novelty escort on Halloween. Truly, if a courtesan would charge extra for the outfit, it’s not something that should sully a child’s wardrobe or reputation.

Apart from placing one’s foot with unnecessary firmness upon the ground and refusing to buy the “Sienna Miller in St. Tropez” outfit, there are other ways to strike back at a costume industry that seems intent on pandering to the demands of those who routinely use the service of panderers, rather than to the more appropriate requests of concerned parents.

Like this:

If you’re a parent it is presumable, although not biologically required, that you are over the age of consent. If you are over the age of consent, you’re allowed to dress as trashily as you like, yea, even unto the realms inhabited by Paris Hilton, Katie Price, Tara Reid, and other assorted human Bratz dolls.

Do this instead:

From Airchinapilot’s Photobooth at Parade of Lost Souls

If you can’t give up on the urge to shock people, rest assured this may still be achieved while maintaining one’s modesty. The Brits have done transvestitism to death, but what about dressing up as adorable little children?

Say, these ones?

I want you to think back to the original animated Disney movie, Peter Pan.

Who doesn’t love them some Peter Pan? Er, in a purely platonic way, I mean. The characters of Peter, Wendy, Hook, Smee, Tinkerbell, and hell, even the crocodile are perfect and I wouldn’t change a single frame.

But today I got a letter from Disney stating that because the Disney Fairies have become a huge marketing juggernaut for them (uh, my words, not theirs) a movie is coming out in which Tinkerbell speaks.

Ack!

I don’t want Tinkerbell to speak! I want to stay cozily wrapped up in my dusty old cocoon of nostalgia of Tinkerbell communicating only with the sound of chiming, tinkling bells. There will be no beautiful butterfly! This caterpillar wants to stay a caterpillar, completely ignorant of what Tinkerbell’s voice sounds like.

There are just no mysteries left for kids anymore, are there?

Even worse? This is a straight-to-DVD release. Tinkerbell’s voice doesn’t even get its own movie premiere.

Somewhere, the Lost Boys are weeping.

For some, the best thing about Halloween is the wonderful excuse it provides to go out and get your scared on and scream your face off. This is why amusement parks open on Halloween, even though the weather’s always lousy. They don’t even need to dress the carnies up! Just tell them to come straight from the meeting with the parole officer, as-is.

But some, it seems, have taken it too far. From the not-so-very-distant Nanny State comes news that this year 54% of parents are too frightened of the risks of Trick-or-Treating and will keep their children home instead.

54% of parents will ban their children from taking part in the age-old tradition, with 45% citing road safety issues and 43% highlighting antisocial behaviour as a concern. And of those who will let their children out, 89% will be accompanied by an adult with 72% saying they will only allow their children to visit friends and neighbours they know.

But, despite the fears, the same survey revealed only 3% of children have actually been involved in an accident or crime while trick or treating.

John McNamee, chief executive of CSEF, said: “It’s encouraging to see that the vast majority of children who are going trick or treating will be doing so under supervision.

“This really is key to ensuring a successful and fun Hallowe’en for children, parents and residents alike.”

While any accident is an unfortunate thing, simply having an adult along will lower the risk. I for one would never let my children Trick-or-Treat alone and besides, isn’t this one of those “golden moments of childhood” things that you’ll look back on in years to come and fondly say, “ah, remember the time you had eighteen bags of candy corn and puked in Mrs. Smith’s rhododendron bush?”