Jayded? | Teeny Manolo


By raincoaster

Jayden is hitting the bottle early

It is with sadness that I recall a time when I was not yet a blogger full-grown, but was a blogger in larval form, cocooned in skidoo suits and footie pjs against that great day still in the future when the industry I was fated to dominate (work with me here, okay?) would be born. Sad those days were, indeed, not so much because of the lack of blogs (but kinda) but rather because of the presence of vast herds of easily-influenced, lowbrow trend sheep: back then, we called them white trash.

Remember those divine triple avatars of conflicted feminism, the Angels of Charlie? (ZOMG, I am channeling the Olo of the Man!) Somewhere towards the death throes of that show, perhaps the definitive television program of adolescent 70’s femininity (Mary Tyler Moore was just too damn chipper, and she didn’t get to toss her hair and yell “Freeze!” like wicked-cool Kate Jackson or, come to think of it, Angie Dickinson) they leapt the ferocious, fanged fish as badly as Fonzie. Verily, they pulled a Cousin Oliver! They started subbing in any old wannabe and trying to pass them off as Angels.

Remember “Tiffany?” The year after she appeared on the show (“replacing” Kate Jackson, oh please, as if anyone could!) Tiffany was the most popular girl’s name in the United States. Whatever the merits of the no-doubt-charming-and-intelligent little girls in question, it’s hard to go through life with a name that forever marks your parents as appallingly tacky, unoriginal people who get their best ideas off dying sexploitation tv.

I had hoped that this trend would vanish along with dashikis for white guys and nylon bodysuits for girls (the 70’s Chastity Belt). I was wrong.

They are with us even now.

Jayden, my friends, is a sweet-looking, apparently quiet and happy little boy. Britney’s youngest child, he and his brother have been photographed relentlessly since birth, as if they were some kind of miracle pandas: sometimes demonstrating gravity to Mommy and the ‘razzi, sometimes enjoying fine dining en famille, sometimes roving free within the confines of the moving convertible, sometimes playing with Mommy’s lighter and Marlboros. Oh, life is a carnival for the Federtots, constantly in the spotlight.

I wish to make it clear that I have nothing whatsoever against Jayden personally. I’m sure he’s a fine young man. I even have nothing against Britney, who is, after all, called Britney, and who could hardly be expected to name her offspring after the more popular 4th Century BC philosophers. I wish only to complain about the tens of thousands of people who have named their sons Jayden, after someone they have never met, who was saddled with a hickster name at birth he’ll probably hate his whole life (still better than Kal-El I guess) and who hadn’t even mastered bowel control when this sad-sack immortality by proxy was foisted upon him.

Last year, Jayden became the 18th most popular baby name in the United States of America. #2 in New York (which tells you something about New Yorkers that I did not know).

15 Responses to “Jayded?”

  1. missm Says:


  2. marvel Says:

    In defense of the name Jayden:

    It is spelled like it sounds.
    It is possible to correctly pronounce it on the first try.
    It has no hyphens, apostrophes, or oddly capitalized letters.
    It does not (usually) leave one guessing as to the gender of the child.
    It does not lend itself to derogatory nicknames (not that I can think of, anyway).

    In other words: it could be much worse, and for many children, is.

  3. raincoaster Says:

    Actually, apparently it’s historically a unisex name. And you are obviously not familiar with the term “va-jay-jay.” You know nicer kids than I do!

  4. marvel Says:

    Raincoaster: Apparently I have led a more sheltered life than I realized; I have NO idea what the referenced term means. Oh…wait…nevermind…

  5. Tiffany Says:

    For the record, I was born and named Tiffany FULLY A YEAR before Tiffany Welles first appeared on Charlie’s Angels.

  6. raincoaster Says:

    Then quite obviously she was named after you!

  7. Aimiliona Says:

    Tiffany is a real name. It’s the English version of Greek Theophania (“appearance of God”), French Tiphaine. Suitable for children born on the Feast of the Epiphany.

    I’d be surprised if the parents of the average Tiffany knew that.

  8. mrsdarwin Says:

    and who could hardly be expected to name her offspring after the more popular 4th Century BC philosophers.

    Boethius Federline: a name made of win!

  9. mrsdarwin Says:

    Whoa, watch my subpar reading skillz at work. BC does not equal AD; who knew?

    Aristotle Federline: still made of win!

  10. raincoaster Says:

    Aristotle Federline might just be the coolest name I’ve heard all year. And Britney’s not totally ignorant of the period: she did quite a decent paper on Sophocles’ Antigone. Maybe she’ll marry one of those roving Greek Shipping heirs and start over again. Heraclitus Latsis FTW!

  11. LeighB in the ATL Says:

    I call it “the enema test.” Imagine what it will sound like, when they are old and in a nursing home, to hear your child’s name used in the following sentence… “_______, it’s time for your enema.” For example, “Britney, it’s time for your enema.”

    Then decide if you want to name your child that. I figure if a name can sound even remotely dignified, or at least not ridiculous, when used in that sentence, it might stand up to the test of time.

  12. raincoaster Says:

    Careful with that: in the hands of the irrational, it can result in “Prince Michael Jackson”. My sister went to school with a girl named Princess. I always thought she must have been named after a dog.

  13. La BellaDonna Says:

    Raincoaster, I see your “Princess” and raise you a “Lady”. Yes, I met a girl (an American) whose first name was “Lady”. To top it off, at the time, she was dating a genuine (if somewhat raffish) British peer. All I could think was that she could wind up as Lady Lady Thus-and-So.

  14. raincoaster Says:

    It would be funnier if she became a stripper, though. Or fetched frisbees. I knew a Lady who did that.

  15. Chloé Wright-Sinclair Says:

    At least it’s better than APPLE.
    Or Phineas & Hazel!!!

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