Deception: Parental Discretion Advised
A while back, some cookbooks were published that featured recipes with hidden fruits and vegetables. It didn’t matter that they were eating brownies with spinach in them, as long as they were eating something healthy. At least, that was the theory, anyway.
The author of a newly published recipe collection has this to say about the other books:
As a mother of twins and a food professional, I was appalled by this deceptive and sneaky idea. Not only are we teaching our kids to “eat your brownies, they’re good for you” (in a country where a third of kids are obese or overweight and perhaps the first generation to not outlive their parents), but we are lying to our kids and signaling, either implicitly or explicitly, that vegetables, in particular, are so yucky, they have to be hidden. That’s the worst idea I’ve heard since manufacturers decided to add trans fats to everything edible.
I can see her point on the vegetable thing, but I take exception to the “appalled by this deceptive and sneaky idea” comment.
Lying to your child has a long, grand tradition in parenting, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to let it end on my watch.
What parent hasn’t said to their toddler, “Oh, I’m sorry honey, the park is closing now. We have to go!”
Or, “Mr. Scruffles is at a big, beautiful farm, where he can run and play in the grass all day long!”
Or, “Mommy and Daddy weren’t hurting each other. That was just a very special hug.”
Those are just a few of the classics, there are almost too many to mention here. Now I’m not advocating that you baldface lie to your child at every opportunity, but there is no doubt that there are many occasions where a touch of untruth makes everything run that much more smoothly.
Each parent is the best judge of exactly how much information their child needs, given their age and developmental stage. Sometimes the entire, detailed truth is too much for them to handle, and a bit of finessed omission helps a child deal with a situation, rather than causing them to have nightmares for weeks. Parents must wing it as best they know how, and I’m given to thinking that they usually get it right.
Although to this day, I still wonder why we never went to visit Mr. Scruffles at that farm.
Santa Claus? Easter Bunny? Tooth Fairy? The Great Pumpkin? Caffeine will stunt your growth? There’s no such thing as a Boogey Man? We tell kids lies 24/7! Please!
O good lord.
I must confess two lies I have told my daughter for no other reason than I could.
1. When it rained and she would ask, “Mommy, why is it STILL raining?” I would say, “Because Mommy didn’t turn the faucet off yet.” She totally believed that for two days. Then she called me on it.
2. I renamed her Barney toy “Sally” for a while. She would call it Barney and I would correct her and say, “No honey, this is Sally.” And again, she totally believed it. She even corrected Mr. Hall when he called the thing Barney. I finally put a stop to this deception myself after two months. I just couldn’t handle the guilt.
yeah, I know I am headed to hades.
Mrs. Hall
What are you trying to tell me about Santa Claus, Jennie? What are you implying???
I don’t think it’s about the lying. I just worry about the parents who never offer their kids a carrot, but instead hand out brownies. What does that do to a kid’s palate?
So much of this is well meaning parents handing down their own bias to their children. Just because I don’t like eggplant, doesn’t mean my 11 month old won’t like it. In fact, she devoured all of the broccoli out of my stir fry last night. I am always shocked at what my children are willing to eat. My son snubs chocolate for watermelon. All I have to do is put it in front of them.
More than anything, I think people need to lead by example (eat their own vegetables!) There is always something the kids will eat that will meet their nutritional requirements. In the meantime, If mommy keeps enjoying her asparagus night after night, the kids will most likely come around.
I’m gonna be the contrarian here. I think there’s a big difference between affirmatively lying to your kids and omitting an overly detailed explanation. I know I’m in the minority on this, but lying to my kids about animals dying or Santa Claus or the park closing or the like isn’t on our parenting agenda. Now don’t go getting all defensive–y’all are free to tell your kids what you want and I won’t rat you out.
I know some of you are inclined to get all judgey on me, so, uh, whatev. I’ll just add that we have yet to encounter a situation where our two kids have not been able to handle any of the bitter truths we’ve dished out.
But hiding vegetables in the dessert? Come on. That’s not lying. If my kid asked me “Are vegetables in this cheesecake?” I’d say yes, but I wouldn’t say, “Here! Try this cheesecake with brussel sprouts and spinach.” It’s all in the marketing. I don’t consider that lying, though.
Raincoaster, Raincoaster… calm down. It’s really ok! It’s just that…er…well… Santa Claus isn’t really a fat old guy… I mean, I’m not suppose to tell but since it’s you… The SC is really a handsome, rich, intelligent, generous person that loves to pamper others. The jolly old elf is just a cover to prevent the groupie types from stalking him…
My mom and dad are big Tolkien fans and we read the Hobbit aloud a lot as a family when we were young (yep….cheeeeeap entertainment!). My dad (whose family is Welsh) told all of us that Welsh people were descended from hobbits, giving as evidence his shortness, roundness, curly hair, and very hairy toes. I don’t know about my older brother, but we younger three bought it hook, line and sinker. I don’t know when exactly we figured it out, but I just remember being very disappointed. The thought of being descended from hobbits was just marvelous!
Well, that hobbit thing is in fact true. Very few people know that.
Actually, literary historians think he may have had the picts in mind when inventing hobbits, so one way or the other it’s still true.
My Dad (and my sister) lied to me all the time, but about stupid stuff that I was naive enough to fall for.
And dgm, I have never personally told a lie such as the “dog farm” one, but I will give an example that we have been talking about China, and I have discussed many things in China’s long and illustrious history. However, the whole Mao thing is getting glossed over, as well as current human rights abuses. So, am purposely leaving out details that I don’t think he needs to know just yet.
I actually find the “Mr. Scruffles/dog farm” lie to be reprehensible. If the parents have NOT been responsible enough to find another home for an animal in their care, they’re certainly not responsible enough to be reproducing. I’ll bet I know who they are, too – I see their spawn carrying on every day. That is NOT in a category with Santa Claus.
As for the author of “in a country where a third of kids are obese or overweight and perhaps the first generation to not outlive their parents” – what, she has a direct hotline to God, and she knows when these kids will die? She has her finger poised over The Button? Wait, I thought the problem was that the obese lived so long and were costing the health system so much – especially those who went to bed normal weight, and woke up overweight, when the BMI was changed overnight.
My friend told her 5 year old son that the dog on the side of the road was sleeping. He indignantly told her that no, the dog was not sleeping, he was DEAD.
@La Bella Donna
Mr. Snuffles and the dog farm is a way of *not* telling a child that their beloved pet has died. It is not the heartless abandonment of a dependent animal.
My dad was the king of random parental lies. As a pre-schooler, if I ever complained about being disciplined or corrected (I was an only child at the time), my dad would tell me I could “just leave, like the other little girl we had who didn’t like the rules!”. I was convinced for years that my heartless parents had let an older sister of mine walk away, and there but for the grace of God went I. His second memorable whopper was when I was in grade school and read the ingredients off the label of an empty bottle of beer one night at a BBQ. When I asked what ‘hops’ were, Dad told me they were squeezed out of bunnies. I was just old enough to be skeptical (what, exactly, could you squeeze out?!), and was unnerved about the implications for bunny injury, but hadn’t the foggiest what else hops could be…
Man, I hope this thread never dies. It’s incredibly entertaining. “Best parental lies” is a topic which could well be inexhaustible.
Anyone ever tell their children that marriage is illegal before 30? Worked for me up until he was old enough to realize that marriage was exclusionary and restrictions to various partner access would apply once marriage occured, then we revisted the truth. I resigned myself to the fact that I would never have a chance of winning a mommy of the year award, so have approached parenting with a comedic relief dimension.
@Jennie – apparently, you’ve been running into some better pet owners than I have. Okay I can – grudgingly – understand why certain types of parents might opt to tell a child that a pet is romping happily elsewhere. However, then you have to explain why you yanked a beloved pet away from the child who loved it. Yes, it’s awful when your children are sad, but Death is a part of life. Might it not be better to take this opportunity to help a young child learn to cope? I certainly held my share of funerals for an assortment of furred and finned folks who went to meet their Maker. Yes, I grieved, and so will other children. And I still remember my pets with love, too. I think it’s better to have a plan in mind to deal with it; otherwise, parents are left with no way out when it’s the little one who finds the dead animal, as I did.
Worse yet, the parents may have to explain to their little ones that Gramma is on a big, beautiful farm, where she can run and play all day, and where she’s having so much fun she will never, ever call or visit again.
@KS – Wow. Just wow. What your Dad told you was inexcusable. Way to undermine a child’s feelings of home and security. Not to mention the subtext of condoning abuse to animals. Add that into “just leave,” and you have the basis for a good solid unhappy childhood.
If that was your Dad’s approach, I do NOT think that he merits a big, beautiful farm where he can run and play all day.
@LaBellaDonna – I really hope you’re being sarcastic, or are just having a fit of taking-yourself-too-seriously-itis. My dad (both my parents, actually) were/are fantastic and I consider myself to have had a blessed childhood. Dad is a joker, not a child and/or animal abuser. I never once had any doubts about my childhood home or security – you’ll notice he said I COULD leave, not that they’d MAKE me leave. Please think twice before condemning others’ humorous recollections of their parents’ aphorisms…thanks.