Teeny Manolo

Thanks to our loyal readers who sent these in. Very disturbing, very amusing. Do your worst in the comments section!

The ante.

It must be upped.

Bourdain got his butt kicked, losing with only thirty percent of the vote.

So, I bring to you a man who has played a half-elf and a Russian gangster. And who looked good doing both.

Gentlemen, if you please…

vs.

According to this survey, thirty six percent of married moms have had an affair since having kids.  AOL and Cookie Magazine, the sponsors of the survey, report that over thirty thousand people have taken the survey.

Yikes, that sure is a lot of hourly motel room rentals

However, more than a few grains of salt should be taken with this survey.  First, it is an internet survey open to anyone.  That means there could be some pimply 17 year old in his mom’s basement filling out the survey.  I’m not exactly sure why he would want to do that, but many things are difficult to explain. Second, there is nothing preventing people from taking this survey more than once.  Heck, I had problems with a pop-up on the site and wound up getting kicked back to the beginning, even though I had already answered ten questions.

It is impossible to say how valid the numbers are, really.  If you halved it, coming up with eighteen percent, that sounds a bit more realisic.  Still, almost twenty percent of moms having an affair is a sobering statistic.

I thought it was the moms who were supposed to not want sex anymore!  All the whining demands, messes to clean up, and endless fruitless negotiations over household rules can really lower a woman’s sex drive.  And really, that’s just dealing with the husband…

But, I do have one important question. Does this mean that I will have to send Sven, my Swedish masseuse, home early now for fear the neighbors will start whispering?

Oh, girl. Just. Stop.

I’m just not a baby person.

I’m cool with babies and all, but I am not one of those women who will drop everything to rush over to an infant. I don’t normally coo and cuddle someone else’s child, unless I am related to or good friends with the parents.

I remember taking the Munchkin out when he was about six months to get our taxes done. The secretary saw him and immediately squealed, lurching out from behind her desk, begging to hold him. Granted, he was one cute baby, but I was a bit nonplussed that this woman, this stranger, was practically salivating at the thought of cradling him.

Since her boss was the one who was going to be saving us some money, I reluctantly allowed her. Her face suffused with joy, and she said, “I can’t help it, I am totally baby crazy. I just looooove babies.”

And when the Munchkin was young, I came across many of these women. Seemingly normal, but if their radar picked up an infant within twenty feet, their eyes would glaze over and their minds became slightly unhinged. Once that baby hit their arms, they could no longer communicate properly with the outside world. Syllables became drawn out, and nonsensical babbling/singing would come out of their mouths. There was nothing else but this infant and their momentary bond. Which is touchingly sweet, and yet is at the same time a wee bit creepy.

I sort of get it. There is something so very adorable about newborns. Those little lips! Those big eyes! The cute noises! And the helplessness! Who can resist the helplessness?

Well, I can.

I think I am happier now that my son and I can have a conversation, that he can brush his own teeth, and that diapers are a thing of the distant, distant past.

I have a confession to make: there is a soft spot in my heart for the loopy comedy stylings of Ben Stiller, and it’s not just because he smiled at me once in Waterfront Station.

Although some.

One of his finest creations is the fabulously moronic Derek(Dayre-ique?) Zoolander, and one of the best bits of that movie was the hilariously appalling infomercial with which Mugatu brainwashed him. “Governments are interfering with the age-old right of children to work as they please! Now…Kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia!”

Oops! Uh, “Spoiler Alert!” Still, at least I didn’t tell you about the Duchovny surprise, so that’s good.

In any case and in the same vein, here is a lovely news presentation from The Onion, celebrating the new Gap For Kids, By Kids collection!

Gap Unveils New ‘For Kids By Kids’ Clothing Line

Nicole Kidman is seven months pregnant!

I have to confess that I was bigger at four months than she is at seven.

You know, I’m wondering exactly when I turned old. When I became the type of person to mutter under my breath, “These kids today!”

I see dresses like the one that unfortunately led to a ruined prom, or ads like these for prom dresses, and all I can think is, the horror! And also perhaps, thank goodness I am not raising a girl! Because I would be sorely tempted to keep her locked in her room with only classic literature and a chess board as her only forms of entertainment.

I understand that teens are all about the shock value. That they love nothing more than to rebel and make people look at them. They enjoy rejecting the values that society at large supposedly holds dear.

I wish I could say that this has been a trend that has been going on for a very long time, but I am inclined to think it has been more prevalent since the Industrial Revolution. Teens who needed to work the field to make sure the crops were harvested didn’t really have the luxury of wondering if getting a belly piercing would help them to establish their independence from Mom and Dad. In most agrarian societies, there was no true “independence” from Mom and Dad. Everyone would live and work together to help their family survive.

And what I am also wondering is, have we failed our children?

Have we allowed false celebrity and overt sex to flourish in our society because we are too afraid to speak out? That we are a “live and let live” sort of place where we think of badly of ourselves if we trample on someone else’s right to utitlize sex and sex appeal to sell everything from cigarettes to hair products ?

Sex obviously sells, and we must be buying into it. Literally. Because if it didn’t work, they would move on to a different strategy, I assure you. It’s ubiquitous. On television, in magazines, on computer ads and billboards along the road. Name me some place that it isn’t. And then we cluck in dismay as teens are flashing as much skin as they can and worrying if they are fat? Do we truly hold the idea of the innocence of children all that dearly?

Or do we just talk a really good game?

Or perhaps soon enough, (because short of public nudity, I’m not sure there is anywhere else to go) the pendulum will swing the other way, and the showing of an anke will become scandalous.

This was a contentious one. There was, naturally, unanimity in the TeenyManolosphere on the unattractiveness and inappropriateness of these outfits, but I, personally, was shocked by the fact that no-one singled that ridonkulous hat out for particular ridicule. Honestly, that poor girl looks like Gumby! No, not the one you’re thinking of: that one looks like a gay Huggy Bear.

In any case, it’s time to announce the winner of the most hotly-contested caption contest since the Junior Justice League:

pomme Says:
May 11th, 2008 at 2:14 pm

Delurking to suggest:
“Honey, I Shrunk the Pussycat Dolls”

And the virtual rewards of de-lurking are both hypothetical and fabulous: the eye-catching, yet tasteful Nahui Ollin New Ritual Tote.