We may have made reference to this guiding principle of parenting in the past. Yes, moms can enjoy a lovely Mother’s Day, full of pancakes in bed, trips to the spa, and salmon salad dinners in fern bars, but there’s no reason in the world for Mom’s fun to end there. All it takes is a little advance planning.
Rely on the Daily Martini to come across with three different, all tasty, recipes for a Mothers Day Martini! The Blushing Lady, the White Lady, and the Pink Lady (although my own Pink Lady recipe differs somewhat, but is tasty as well). The most important thing is that someone else mix it, very strong, and they bring it to you in bed.
Because we’ve had enough flowers and chocolate!
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
Erma Bombeck
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
Ed Asner
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Mothers are all slightly insane.
J.D. Salinger
And I couldn’t resist these, either…
Dictionary of a Mother
Dumbwaiter
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback
The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name
What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Independent
How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Show Off
A child who is more talented than yours.
Whodunit
None of the kids that live in your house.
You Are Catwoman |
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Me likey! But I’ve got a bit of working out to do before I rock the skintight catsuit or the lead role in a $85,000,000 stinker. While I root around my pad for that personal trainer I misplaced, you can enjoy this selection of the week’s finest posts from around the Parentosphere:
Man Babies (ManBabies)
Banksy Unmasked? No superhero is sacred! (Gawker)
The fine art of grocery criticism (Defamisher)
File under That’s Just Wrong: Wine in a baby bottle (Gastrokid)
Thank you, Mommy (ExtraordinaryMommy)
The Great Truths, according to kids and parents (Fracas)
Cloned mare gives birth (Bridlepath)
Don’t call me Mommy! (WorkItMom)
You know you’re addicted to blogging when… (MagnetoBoldToo)
Celebrity moms speak out on motherhood (CelebrityBabyScoop)
What this world needs is fridge-based sex meters (TrueDadConfessions)
Dear “friend” (TrueMomConfessions)
Ninjas are everywhere! (TheBloggess)
Quick, easy money (GoodMom/BadMom)
As the Manolo has predicted, spring shoes are fairly bursting with color.
So that poses the dilemma of what to paint your toesies with. For some reason, I’m not a big fan of the French pedicure, although I have to say it probably goes with everything. But if it isn’t your thing either, it can be tough to choose a nail color that doesn’t clash badly with a vibrant yellow or pink.
Metallic neutrals are a good answer. They give a bit of shimmer, a bit of color, but allow your shoes to do the real talking. And let’s face it, if you’ve spent a lot of money on your shoes, you want them to do most of the talking. Dont’ get me wrong, definitely do your nails, just have them be whispering seductively rather than vying for attention.
These polishes will help you get your shine on…
Dior Golden Nugget is a glittery golden bronze.
OPI India Collection Charmed by a Snake is a shimmery bronze.
Essie Great Expectations is a sheer grey with subtle glimmers.
Essie Body Language is a shimmery grey with pink undertones.
Oh, my. Mrs. Z (the artist formerly known as Beyonce) has a lot to answer for with this:
As it turns out, Denzel was able to deliver quite the drubbing to Mr. CSI, or Jag, or whatever show Mark Harmon is currently starring in. Denzel garnered almost sixty percent of the vote, leaving Mr. Harmon to languish with a mere forty-two percent.
And once again, my friends, I have slogged through seemingly gazillions of sometimes painful Google image pages, searching for someone who just might have the chops to win over the esteemed Mr. Washington.
And while raincoaster and the ever superfantastic Phyllis had some great suggestions, (I will utilize them, never fear!) I sort of went my own way this week. I admit to having somewhat of a crush on this next contender, even though he isn’t necessarily conventionally handsome. But, as we all know, conventionally handsome does not always translate into hot, and ladies, we’re all about the hot over here.
vs. 
It’s only May and already the always hotly-contested Mother of the Year award is reaching temperatures approaching that of the heart of the sun. Don’t let Dina Lohan’s recent winning of Long Island’s MotY prize fool you: only on Lawn Gyland does the year end in May, and besides, as someone on Defamer pointed out, her competition was who, exactly? Amy Fisher’s mom.
Quite.
But I think our intrepid reportorial friends at the Guardian have come up with the one to beat. Yes, in Lucie Ceccaldi, mother of French literary bad boy Michel Houellebecq, we have our Brutus, our Secretariat, our Muhammad Ali, and possibly even our AntiChrist all rolled up in one wizened, bitter, 83-year-old bundle of patchouli-scented, tie-dyed 100% pure hatred.
Let’s listen in on some of her thoughts on parenting. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride:
She calls her son an “evil, stupid little bastard” adding that “this individual, who alas came from my womb, is a liar, an imposter, a parasite and above all - above all - a petit arriviste ready to do absolutely anything for money and fame…If he is unfortunate enough to use my name in something again, I’ll cane him round the face, that’ll knock his teeth out, that’s for sure.”
“If it hadn’t been my son, I wouldn’t read that kind of crap, I would put it down straight away, because if there’s one thing I detest in the world it’s pornography. That book is pure pornography, it’s repugnant, it’s crap. I don’t understand its success at all, that just shows the decadance of France.” In her own book, she speculates that he writes about sex because he doesn’t get enough. “What’s this moronic literature?! Houellebecq is someone who’s never done anything, who’s never really desired anything, who never wanted to look at others. And that arrogance of taking yourself as superior … Stupid little bastard. Yes, Houellebecq’s a stupid little bastard, whether he’s my son or not.”Does she believe in mother love? “Western women get on my nerves with their mother love.”
Do you love your son? “Yes, of course I love my son. If he dropped dead, I’d be profoundly hurt, definitively, but I wouldn’t complain in newspapers and write a book about it.”
On her son’s relationships with women she says: “Above all he loves money, and women have always kept him - first, me, and then his good wives. The second one I never met, and I don’t know the others who came after her.”
I mention that he lives in Ireland. “Does he? If he was less of a stupid bastard, I’d go and see him.”
Charmant.
George Bush is the greatest president in the history of presidents.
Mission was accomplished.
Toddlers never throw tantrums.
I live in a huge mansion with a cook, a maid, and a butler.
Junk food is good for you and helps you lose weight.
Pamela Anderson is an Oscar-winning actress.
Christian is as straight as a ruler.
The economy is strong.
And Dina Lohan has received a “Top Mom” of the year award.
I am in Bizarro World, aren’t I?
If you grew up in the seventies, then chances are you had a Garanimals outfit. I’m not ashamed to admit that I owned more than a few myself. Er, well, perhaps I should be, but there it is.
If you were not part of our exclusive Garanimals club, allow me to explain the concept. Garanimals took the children’s fashion world by storm when they introduced the concept of a matching system. By having labels, usually some sort of jungle animal, kids would be able to dress themselves by simply making sure that the labels were the same for both top and bottom. If you had two bears, your outfit was a surefire winner! There was no way you could walk out of the house in an unmatched outfit and embarass your mom! So, a supposedly idiot-proof system.
Why this concept has not been introduced for men, I am not sure. But, that is entirely a different post probably better suited to a different blog.
But really, isn’t being able to dress batshit-crazy some sort of three year old birthright? At that age, it is downright adorable to go grocery shopping wearing an orange striped shirt, red shorts, and a superman cape. Kids should dress like that as often as they can, because that window of opportunity gets slammed shut around the age of seven or so. At that point, the child will either be seen as destined for fashion greatness or someone who will never get invited to birthday parties.
Apparently the makers of Garanimals decided that a couple decades of freestyle dressing by America’s youth was too much for them to handle. They re-launched the brand in February of 2008, available exclusively at WalMart. Which sort of explains why I didn’t know about it until now.
So once again, children have the opportunity to match zebra to zebra and elephant to elephant! Forget about actually teaching them how to put clothes together, let’s have some faceless corporation do all the hard work for us! But according to Dr. Joyce Brothers, “Garanimals…helps the pre-schooler to handle his/her own wardrobe.” Remember Dr. Joyce Brothers? I thought not. Nothing like trotting out an almost thirty year old quote to inspire brand confidence!
