Ten Reasons I’m Not a Soccer Mom
By Glinda
The other day I categorized myself as a “soccer mom.”
Actually, I would like to retract that statement. That statement was written for satirical purposes only. There are many, many soccer moms around here, and I know exactly what they are like.
I happen to think that I don’t qualify as a soccer mom, and here’s why.
10. I’m simply too lazy to be running around all the time.
9. I don’t own a honkingly large SUV or minivan which renders me unable to park properly.
8. I don’t have a cell phone on which I can chat obnoxiously. Well, technically I do, but my husband has it all the time so it doesn’t count.
7. My child only attends one extracurricular activity. No Mandarin or violin lessons over here. But the Munchkin has approximately 3,000 Legos, which has to count for something, right?
6. I’m not upper class. At least, I’m not sure if I am. However, I’m of the mind that it runs along the same principle of finding out what something costs. If you have to ask, then you aren’t.
5. I don’t drink coffee, which kicks me out of the club right there.
4. I don’t wear my high heeled boots and designer outfits, complete with matching purse and sunglasses, when I take my son to his lone activity.
3. I’m pretty sure my house isn’t clean enough, big enough, or decorated well enough.
2. Politicians don’t care what I think.
1. My kid doesn’t play soccer.
April 9th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I drink coffee–I confess! But actually, that’s about it that would put me in the soccer mom category. I own a cell phone too, but I HATE chatting on it out in public. If I’m going to chat, I must be tucked away where others can’t hear me.
I am so glad my daughter has zero interest in soccer.
April 9th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I never thought of soccer moms as wealthy, and especially not glamorous. I always think of them as stay at home moms in dumpy looking clothes, driving their kids from playdate to karate to soccer all of the time. Women who are focused on looking practical. Practical shoes, practical hair, no make up.
Interesting that that’s almost opposite of your impression. I wonder if it’s the neighborhood I live in?
April 9th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
You don’t drink coffee? OMG, you’re lucky they still let you live in the suburbs.
My concept of soccer moms is not that they are upper class. It is that they are competitively, and relentlessly, bourgeois. Do you really think Caroline Kennedy wore spike heels to watch the polo? Regardless of income, you can take the girl out of the strip mall, but you can’t take the strip mall out of the girl: Nouveau Riche is not ruling class, whatever they themselves may think.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:38 am
#1 is the only reason you can’t be called a “soccer mom”. I was one for many years (kindergarden through high school with the youngest son) and only qualified under #1 and #5 of your list. NOTE: Do NOT attempt to take my coffee away from me. Not now, not ever.
Soccer moms drive SUVs and mini vans and stick-shift Saturn coupes. They wear jeans or skirts or suits, depending on whether they came from work or home or church (yes, many Sunday tournament games in our past!). Some live in the twee suburbs, some live in a duplex in the city. Some live in apartments. Some are married, some divorced. Some talk on the cell phone if it’s necessary to get something else done. We are a “political group” only because it was an easy stereotype at the time. I don’t believe it’s been cited as such since then, thankfully.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I am not a mom, but I have just gotten my first cellphone and I love it! How did I live without the ability to call my fiance from the grocery store to ask him if we have tahini? Or to call my friends during a four-hour delay at the airport when I don’t want to use up my plane books?
April 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
The moms who wear high heels drive me INSANE. I wear high heels every day because I work in a sales exec position. My step-son’s mom is one of those women who not only wear heels and DON’T work, but wear obnoxious wooden platform-ish 5 inch heels. Every time I see her she looks likes she is going to fall over. Why would you do that to yourself if you don’t have to and how do you get anything done with your kids in tow with those shoes? Give me sweatpants and flip-flops anyday!!!!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
It’s interesting how the term conjures up different images for different people. Here are some pictures of real soccer moms (and dads). I don’t know where they were taken, but this could easily have been taken at my town’s soccer field, and pretty much anywhere in suburban America. http://www.donaschwartz.com/soccerMomImages.html
April 11th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Merry, those could have been taken at any one of my son’s games. There were 5i heel wearing, SUV driving parents there, of course, but most were “normal” parents just trying to get the kids where they needed to go and fed half-way decently on hot dogs and nachos from the concession stand. I kinda miss those days….
April 11th, 2008 at 10:24 am
My younger sister is one of those heel-wearing moms, but she still manages to handle two young children with aplomb. She doesn’t wear heels to athletic events, however. We’ve noticed that only clueless rednecks do that.
April 13th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
[...] Glinda… There are many, many soccer moms around here, and I know exactly what they are like. [...]