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Archive for April 8th, 2008

Love’s Labour a Liability?

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
By raincoaster

Aunt FattieNow, regular readers will know several things about this blog. They’ll know about Listmania. They’ll know about the Friday Caption Contest. They’ll know, if they’ve got the right hormones, about the Celebrity Dad Face-Off.

And they will also know that if you’re looking for practical parenting advice, you go to Glinda. If you’re looking for attitude with or without a side of tentacles, you come to me.

But today Glinda has her hands full making fun of neurasthenic Desperate Housewives, so we must look elsewhere in the blogosphere for a good, stiff dose of sense. Where do we find it?Mary Martini

Ask Aunt Fattie! Seriously, this may be my second favorite advice column, right after Ask Sister Mary Martha (She had me at “Home Depot.” The only way to make Home Depot more awesome is to add nuns). The question o’ the day is, how to look for a job when you’re quite obviously pregnant, even if you’re not actually pregnant. A fraught question indeed. Let’s see what she’s got to say:

Dear Aunt Fatty,

I’m a college senior, about to enter the big wide job market, and I’m looking for some advice on how to handle my Ultra Super Special Body Shape.

You see, I look like I’m about 5-6 months pregnant, despite a complete and total lack of fetuses in my stomach…


Dear Imaginary Fetus,

Aunt Fattie’s first suggestion would be a T-shirt reading “No, I’m Not Pregnant.”

Her first serious suggestion would be “no empire waists.”

In truth, this is a poser. It is reprehensible but undeniable that firms and companies are reluctant to hire pregnant women because they don’t want to immediately pay for an extended leave of absence. Due to both social and legal restrictions, you can’t solve this with words — they can’t ask, and it’s awkward to answer unbidden. And so, you must solve it with clothes…

Finally, please remember: the “problem” in this case is not your belly, but widespread discriminatory hiring practices. Unfortunately, changing the latter is a huge project, and you shouldn’t have to go unemployed while it’s being undertaken. But even though Aunt Fattie’s advice involves hiding your belly, your belly is NOT the problem here.

And so it goes, with practical advice, witty phrasing, and motivational delivery, and with many amusing and several actually very useful suggestions in the comments. Did you know what happens to your ladyparts when you wear a spandex bodysquasher when you’re actually pregnant?


Note that the recommended outfits would not include this:

Maternity dress from HELL

Cry Them a River

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
By Glinda

May I hand you one of these? You know you need it.

It was the worst experience that I could ever imagine going through as a mother,” said one West Hollywood mom… “Of course I broke down and started crying. I threw up. I had diarrhea. I locked myself in the closet and drank myself into oblivion. I felt like I failed my kid.”

I know that you are thinking to yourself, what the hell caused that type of reaction? Was her child mauled by a wild bear? Maimed in an entirely preventable accident? Or perhaps walking too close to a cliff and fell off, resulting in bodily injury? Did they have a disease which she blames herself for missing the symptoms?

No my friends, it was worse than that.

Much, much worse.

Her child just so happened to be wait-listed for kindergarten.

I know, I know.

Don’t worry.

I’ve got enough hankies for all of you.

Friday Caption Contest Results: Banana Servitude Editon

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
By raincoaster

I take the blame for one of our least lively rounds. Alas, bananas appear to be devoid of talent as a muse and nobody appears to have seen that Twilight Zone episode.  That said, we do have a winner in our most challenging challenge ever, and it is time to announce her:

Bananas, unspeakable

gemdiva Says:

In what can only be described as a ghastly lapse in judgement the chef for the state dinner honoring the King of the Bananna people mistook the protocol book for a cookbook, effectively severing all diplomatic ties with Bananna Land before they had begun.

Congratulations and whipped topping to gemdiva, who walks away with the trophy once again. Cheeta, what do we have for our winner today? What else could we chose but the Glory leopard thong from Donald J Pliner?

Glory thong

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